After the relationship.

Dearest Dr. Sunday,

I recently ended a long term relationship and there has been something weighing heavily on me. It is not a second guess of whether I did the "right thing", but why I am not hurt, nor confused about the situation.

This is someone I had spent every day with. Had held and whispered "I love you" to. Who was my best friend. The person I could spend every day with laughing, partying or just laying around in bed with. And in a series of days, all of this turned to dust and was quickly blown away by the wind. As I'm sure everyone else can relate to breakups, you would think I would be in tears and hurt. Instead, I shed a few tears and moved on immediately, never looking back. Fuck, I'm already dating someone else and it does not feel strange. It does not feel forced, nor too soon to be investing emotions into the girl I am seeing. Strange, right?

Not only this, but I am currently guessing that she is already interested and/or dating someone else as well. After finding this out, I sat back in bed and thought of her with someone else. Instead of pain or heartache filling me, it surprisingly made smile that she too is moving on and that she is happy. WTF, right?

I've never experienced anything like this before in all of my past relationships. This is why I am confused...

And here come the questions for you, Dr. Sunday:

Where was my grieving?
Where were the flooding tears and hurt?
Why am I completely okay dating someone else?
Why am I okay with her dating someone else?
Why do I feel so numb about this whole situation?
Was she really just a best friend who had a title of "girlfriend"?
Did I only love her as a best friend the entire time and that's why this is so easy?

What the fuck is going on here, Dr. Sunday? Because of what I have learned from past relationships and breakups, I don't feel human. I'm not depressed or upset about anything I have mentioned. Everything feels right. And that is the most interesting part to me.

I really need you to check my mechanical brain. It might have short-circuited... or maybe all systems are running perfectly (I side with the latter). Either way, I would like you to take a look inside.

love,
a robot

Dear Robot,

Is it really so strange to think that a decision you made seems, at least in the immediate present following the decision, to be without painful repercussion? That you could decide upon a thing, act upon it, and feel good about what you have done? I warn you, Robot, that in examining the circuits and gears of your robot brain, I may offer you more questions than answers-- but I believe that I can at least guide your programming to better self-diagnosis. Bear in mind, my pretend-internet doctorate is in Bombast, Assholery, and Knowitalletry, not robotics-- but I will do my best.

On the surface level, of course one might expect, in the ending of a relationship, to find tears on one side or other of the equation. Of course, this question comes from your side, so yours is the side that I can address. You followed your story with a series of questions, all which point towards common answers-- you want to know if there is something wrong with you, or something you might have missed in the definition of your prior relationship state, that would explain why now you feel happy for the current case of affairs (your new adventure, and the other party's new adventure). You say that you have never experienced this sort of thing in the ending of a relationship-- and you wonder what that means, as well.

So, where is your grief? You have stated that you "shed a few tears, and moved on immediately, never looking back." Let me suggest a few possibilities here. Firstly, were those few tears enough for you? Or did the act of moving on anesthetize you, at least in the short term, against further tears? Do you think that your quick forward step into a new relationship means something here? Perhaps moving forward made it easier for you not to grieve (at least for right now). Or perhaps the fact that you were willing to move on so immediately means that your level of commitment to the lost relationship was not as you believed it to be. Perhaps the time you spent together meant something different to each of you.

Is it possible that the recent events have happened so close together that you haven't had time to explore in full the things you may feel later on? It is hard to say. Every heart is different, every situation, every love-- only you know what you are truly feeling, and how honest you are allowing yourself to be regarding your heart. Is this self-defense? Is this a calm before the storm? Is this the peace that comes with doing what you believe in your heart to be right for you? The answer to your dilemma lies somewhere between these points, and in your place I would spend time reflecting thereupon.

You wondered whether or not your previous relationship was, in whole or in part, not as you imagined, at least from your side. Did your heart change? Would you have noticed? Were you preparing an exit strategy, with eyes towards a future of your own during the relationship at any point? Further, do you think that the kind of time spent together perhaps led you towards familiarity rather than romance? It is hard to say. A good relationship, at least in my opinion (which is what matters here, as this is MY blog), consists of a combination of deep friendship and deep passion. Maybe somewhere along the way, at least in YOUR heart, the line between friendship and passion was crossed and blurred until it was hard to see for you-- and the constant time spent together made it hard for you to really see that something had changed. You can't see the movie if you're sitting in the front row, you know?

Perhaps this would explain why you would be happy for her when the time comes for her to move on with her life. Maybe in the course of all of this you realized that the care you hold in your heart for this lady is such that you wish her happiness. Sometimes relationships end in bitter circumstances-- so without knowing the exact shape your ending there took, I cannot say whether the spite and bitterness that sometimes appears therein has fallen. I would imagine that while you have acted such, taking steps towards your own future and away from her, that you are at least decent enough to feel bad for any pain you might have caused-- it would only follow, logically, then, that you would wish her well. Only you know how you really feel there, and only time will tell just what the outcome of your choices may be.

Of course, sometimes, Robot, "everything feels right" because it is. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do-- maybe not hard for you, but hard for someone else. Sometimes, you make choices that won't be popular or easy, and that may cause pain to people who do not deserve to be hurt--but ultimately, time will tell. Maybe you're getting off easy at the moment-- but if you did what you believe is right, and believed it enough to be willing to take this kind of step, even if it hurt someone else, then you did what you had to do. Maybe the lady's hurting-- maybe she's in the same boat as you, relieved in some respects, ready for a new adventure, or just taking some time to reflect. It isn't your worry anymore, regardless of the case--you gave up the right to that worry when you ended things.

So, Robot, is something wrong with you? Or is everything as it should be, now? I advise, rather than worrying about why you are not worrying at all, that you focus on functioning as well as you can, leading your life, doing no harm and keeping those gears oiled and turning. A chapter in your life is past, and a new one begins-- do not let your memory chips get cluttered. Save that which is good and beautiful, or what is wise and instructive. Learn, live, and grow. You have time to find your own answers, as we all do in our own adventures.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Positivity

Dr. Sunday--

I have a question. How do we make the whole world posi?

--Awesome in Ohio

Great question, and a great first post of the New Year. (For those of you keeping score at home, I've taken a little time off, as my health and other concerns have been in the forefront)

So. You want to know how we can make the whole world "posi." For the kids who aren't quite hip enough to know the usage, or those of you who lack the ability to figure out what we're talking about here, I'll nutshell it for you. We're talking about a positive outlook on life, positivity. Being upbeat and having a world view that encompasses a bit more than waking up vomiting and crying, hating your way through the day to day routine of your job, school, whatever, and then going home to mope into the wee hours of the morning; lather, rinse, repeat, etc etc ad nauseum, forever and ever amen.

I'm going to level with you, Awesome. I don't think it's possible to make the whole WORLD posi as such, because not everyone is wired for that kind of thinking. HOWEVER, this does not make the goal any less admirable or worth pursuit.

There's an old saying my father uses whenever discussing any sort of major undertaking. "How do you eat an elephant?" The response is, of course, "one bite at a time." It's kind of a corny saying, but there's wisdom there. I could have used any number of quotes, proverbs or aphorisms there, but I chose that one because as a child, I was always amused by the visual of my father chasing an elephant in order to steal surreptitious bites from its ankles and trunk.

Hey, fuck you, it makes me laugh, and that's what counts.

Anyway. So. Posi, right? How to. The idea would be, focus on yourself. Take a long hard look at your own life, and try to determine just where you can enhance your character, enrich your enjoyment of life; to actually be a positive person. When one stands forth as a representative or adherent of a particular creed, philosophy, or value system, one stands under a microscope. You can't just say something-- you have to do it; to adhere truly, one must become.

By being a more positive person, and treating your internal development as such as a constant work in progress, you are assured a strong likelihood of self-improvement. You're throwing kindling on a little fire to make it burn more brightly. As that light grows, you're going to gather people who want to warm their respective (and metaphorical) tootsies at your fire. Better still if you're surrounding yourself with positive people. The wonder of modern social networking is that it is quite easy to diversify your circle, exchange ideas and influences. Your attitude might intrigue others, but your actions and words will really allow you to spread that fire.

It's simple enough to make small changes in your own world, and to share your compassion and enthusiasm with the friends and acquaintances and even strangers who share your little corner of the world. Maybe you can't make the whole WORLD "posi" but you can damned sure make a difference. It's your house-- decorate it how you want, you know?

You don't need New Year's Resolutions to make changes-- but it's as good an impetus as any. Dr. Sunday has certainly made some resolutions, but that's my watch. Eyes on your own paper!

I hope this helps you. Best of luck!

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

If this one doesn't offend you, you might be worth knowing.

To the ever witty and handsome Doctor Sunday,

Have recently been pondering life. Love, pain, existence, etc. Included in this waxing, and the one I wish to speak on, is the biggest perplexity of all..

Why is everyone a moron?

It seems that quite recently I have been surrounded by more stupidity than deemed necessary. As I have never been naive in the least, I have always had my suspicions of half the general population being sadly afflicted with being an idiot. It has just been growing in numbers more so than usual lately.
To elaborate: Why does my roommate have the time to get weeded/eat all of my food/whine about women daily, but cannot spare twenty seconds to wash a fork?
Why is an ex m.i.a. until they need an outlet to bitch or rant to, i.e., you?
Why does that drunk girl you don't know at The Tavern feel the need to let you know exactly how long she's gone without sexy time (and how horny she is) whilst spilling your beer and attempting bedroom eyes at all your friends?
And then there's even the non-personal. Why is gay marriage illegal?
Why does the creditreport.com guy continue to be allowed commercial time? I could go on for days here.

Is this just a part of human nature that I will eventually have to accept and live with? Is it because Pluto is in retrograde? Am I just unmoving, unfeeling, unkind? (bonus points for alliteration) I would surely hope not as I'm a humanist first and foremost. Please share your thoughts on my, and the world's, dilemma.

xo,
Pissed off Smarty Pants.

Dearest Pissed off Smarty Pants,

This is indeed a tough and challenging question. Why are there so many morons? Can we blame it on modern diet, or perhaps the influx of new avenues of vicarious entertainment that serve to dilute creativity, stunt motivation, and cripple intellect? Is it a sign of some pending apocalypse not predicted in any ancient text or entheogen-addled shaman dreams? Does the Matrix need more RAM or to switch to Linux? All valid questions.

We could point the finger in many directions. While I'm only half-joking when I say that the "information age" serves to leave people more "educated" while growing less intelligent, the truth is, people really do pay too much attention to things that aren't worth it. Take the continued existence of American Idol. Anyone with even just a single pair of neurons that spark even periodically should find that sort of thing to be a slap in the face; particularly anyone who values art enough to NOT wish it to be so BLATANTLY commoditized. Now, I could sit here and insult even some of my close friends by calling them stupid for watching it, but I'd rather not, because some of them are people I see often enough to make social exchanges awkward were I to make that choice.

So looking at the results, we wonder: is there a causal relationship between the modern media and stupidity? Do we support moronic things because we're stupid, or does our stupidity result in a market for stupid things? It's a vicious cycle.

The point is, and I'll be shockingly Nietzschean for a moment, by saying that morons are out there to make the non-morons shine. Think about it. Evolution has created a number of wonders and traits (seriously, click that link; it's awesome, right?), all while leaving others far, far behind. The favorable features provide mating advantages, and social evolution often adopts innovation. Now, the scary thing here, is that natural selection appears to be leading us in the wrong direction, as the proliferation of idiocy is reaching a more critical stage, when the opposite SHOULD be true. We're getting educations, we're travelling more widely, we've got access to so many things beyond the dreams of previous generations-- so why is it that we're consistently producing underachieving, uninspired hacks who consume foolishly, travel seemingly only to prove that a fool in Chicago is a fool in Paris, and allow atrocities such as this to be inflicted upon the general public.

Why? Isn't it obvious? Clearly, we've reached a plateau, and in some metaphysical sense, evolution/God/the Universe is saying "ok, seriously? all this time and the best you can do is this?" This is why we have so many legends, myths, and tales of a Great Deluge. It's an archetype that plugs directly into the forward-thinking psyche of Human Development. We know that the day will come, when rather than "wickedness," "ungodliness" and "immorality," we are damned by "stupidity," "douchebags," and "80's retro."

It's all our own fault, though. In the last few decades, more so than ever, and worse still today, we're raising a society of people who are born and raised without ever having to actually try; people who are fed entitlement and inflated senses of self-worth, who are coddled through situations where character should have been built. LET THE CHILDREN FAIL. IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THEY WILL EVER REALLY LEARN. YOUR ILLITERATE, BELLIGERENT, LOUD-MOUTHED BEDWETTER IS NOT SPECIAL-- THAT HAS TO BE EARNED.

Would that I knew the proper spell to incant, to make this all go away-- give our pesky species the chance to install upgrades and restart. Sadly, such is not the case, so these are facts and facets with which you and I must continue to cope. And as logic will dictate, when the facts of a situation are immutable, one must address reality by altering perception and/or altering reaction. For example, to address your sub-questions: your roomie puffs, dines, and whines so much because if he shut up, he'd have to find something else to do, and washing up seems distasteful: in other words, stupid, lazy, and it sucks--keep your food where it cannot be taken, roll your eyes at the whining, and wash only your own dishes. And ex's who only come around when they want something are selfish and stupid enough to believe that you don't have anything better to do than make yourself available to them--be stronger than that, and you can always hang up the phone, hit the "invisible" button in chat, or be clever with excuses. Remember, lying to a moron doesn't count as dishonesty-- so go for it, with my blessing.

The drunk bar slut behaves thus because she is slave to her appetites and impulses, thereby little to differ from the animals at the zoo. I'd recommend throwing peanuts at her and taking her picture until she either starts flinging feces or hides behind a tree. It's 2009, drunk bar slut-- getting laid is easy, and you don't have to play games or reek of desperation while embarassing yourself and everyone who knows you. Put on some underwear and close your fucking mouth-- if you weren't so pathetic, maybe you wouldn't HAVE to whine about "how long it's been."

Gay marriage is illegal because there are too many ignorant idiots holding onto outmoded morality, who want to hold onto their places in the rising divorce rates. Don't worry, we'll have gay marriage before we have legal pot--and both of those are coming down the line, doubt it not.

And the creditreportdotcom guy is still on the air because we are being punished for all of our sins, and for allowing the continued existence of Coldplay.

As for the last part of your message, do not blame yourself-- you are certainly not "unmoving, unfeeling, unkind." You're merely aware and quite realistic, and if the weight of the world makes you a little bit bitter sometimes, it is to be understood. You can be a humanist and still find your heart a bit sour on the thought of your fellow humans, sometimes.

My advice to you is simple. Do what I do: surround yourself with intelligent, charming and attractive people; chances are, you already know some-- seek their company. You can meet new people through those you know already, and that's fantastic, because you can pick and choose. Invite yourself out, invite others in. Participate in activities geared towards your interests, and make friends-- take a class, get up and go out, be creative and use good judgement. Be choosy with those you allow to become close to you. Initiate creative correspondences-- collaborate. Be smart and never, ever, EVER settle for anything less than what will really keep you happy and stimulated. Ignore what you can of the unwashed masses, and learn to laugh at what you can't ignore-- the more you learn to laugh, the easier it is to keep that shadow right out of your heart, and moreso, there is POWER in mockery. Keep your wits sharp and don't drag yourself down unnecessarily. A nice sense of superiority helps, too, but you'll get that anyway.

Your recognition of the problem tells me that you're going to be JUST fine. I hope this has helped you, and if you need anything else, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Shorties, Anonymous, and Facebook: a collection of the brief.

*****Dear Readers-- what you are about to read is a list of random short questions asked of me, whether via anonymous emails (some nice, some fake, some douchey), or comments left on my facebook page. Thought I'd share, because, well, I want to, and this is MY blog. If you don't like it, you're probably not reading this anyway. So enjoy, friends. --The Doctor.*****

#1- Doctor: Itchy head.. Do I have lice? And if so, Will you pick them out? --T.

Dear T: Getting checked for lice is fun and easy-- those popsicle stick things they run through your hair kind of feel good on the scalp.
Lice-picking is a premium service, not included within the Dr. Sunday free project, but I could probably offer you a coupon or something. I'd also advise not wearing the other kids' hats. Love, Dr. Sunday

#2- Doctor Sunday: My question for you is... My boyfriend is turning 28 in August and I have no idea what to do for him. I know I want to do something very creative and adventurous but I'm running low on ideas. Any thoughts??? --M.

Dear M: Might I suggest, firstly, a surprise party, on a date at least one week prior to his birthday? I successfully caught my dear Claudia with a great surprise party by enlisting (without her knowledge) the help of a couple of her friends (whom she didn't know I had contact with; I used facebook and was VERY tricky). A surprise party ON the birthday would be too easily deduced.

Are we discussing a gift, an event, or a combination thereof? In my experience (as in, being a guy), I will tell you that nothing moves me more than an experience I can remember forever, or something I can hold onto and look back on repeatedly, whether it be a poem, a hand-made gift or hand-made card, or simply a letter on clever stationary. I'm the sentimental type, so a keepsake is a lot more meaningful to me than say, that video game I've been dying to play, which I'll play through once and then never again. I don't know if your man falls into that category, but that would certainly make your job easier.

Using your wits, you can guarantee the kind of birthday surprise for your boyfriend that he'll never forget.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

#3-- Doctor Sunday- Why are you such a homo? --Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle [identity edited by the editor because I fucking CAN]
Dear GSF,
It's 2009, why not? Dr. Sunday just loves people. Plus, you're really cute. Piss off, my dear Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle, and if you feel again like speaking to me, at least be funny. Keep reaching for that rainbow! --Dr. Sunday

#4-- Dr. Sunday, Where the hell did my pants go??????!@? --K.
Dear K.,
They are under my bed, in my box of keepsakes, because your love means so much to me that I can't imagine being able to part with them. I regret the necessity of sneaking up behind you with a chloroform soaked rag, just to steal your pants, but to be honest, after the roller coaster/whirlwind madness we shared, I simply didn't believe that you'd be willing to part with even such a simple keepsake.

Or maybe that was a joke. I'd advise looking through your laundry hamper aggressively, or looking under your bed. Normally, when I can't find an article of clothing, it has either been misfiled in my closet/dresser/etc, or buried somehow in my laundry, if not appropriated by my beloved cat as part of his fortress under my bed.
Hope this helps you.
Love,
Dr. Sunday

#5 Dr Sunday-- (*editor's note, spelling in this query has been corrected, and rather extensively at that): what is your problem with BC13? I read your post and you're just running your mouth like an asshole. no one asked you. --the dank knight
Dear "The Dank Knight,"
First off, yes, someone DID ask me. Secondly, you clearly didn't read the post thoroughly enough, but I'd blame that on the apparently severe level of cognitive disability you displayed so memorably across your email. Tell your mother or special needs provider that I told you to "write back when puberty hits, or functional literacy-- whichever comes first." Twat. Sincerely, Dr. Sunday.
PS- the "DANK KNIGHT?" seriously? dude. Wow.

*****And I'll close there. I've got more, but I'll save those for a future date. I'd once again like to remind you to feel free to ASK ME ANYTHING, and thank you, my dear readers, for making this blog such a fun and successful project.
Much love, and always listening,
Dr. Sunday*****

Betrayed

Doctor Sunday:
A very good friend (metaphorically) threw me under the bus today, and I am having trouble letting it go. I don't really want to go into the details, but I'll say that we were involved in a somewhat stressful decision-situation, in which many of the other people involved were overreacting, and I was trying to be reasonable and convince everyone to stop and think before we acted in a reactionary way. This is not an unusual scenario with this group. Usually, I can count on him to be with me and help chill everyone out, but today, instead, he mocked me in front of all of them. (Essentially, "she's bitching and moaning so I guess we'll just have to wait till she stops crying") I already told him that I didn't appreciate this remark, and he sort of apologized, but I am still very bothered. How do I let this go? Much of this is the fact that I am disappointed in him, I expected more and now I feel as though I can't count on him anymore.

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,
This is a very unpleasant experience indeed. Trust is the most important factor in any relationship, be it platonic, collaborative, romantic, or any combination thereof, and when that trust feels violated, it can be very difficult to regain, let alone to merely forgive/forget. Without knowing the full details of the situation, I can still perhaps suggest a couple of possibilities as to the "why," which may help you to let this go.

The first possible solution would involve, however, Dr. Sunday taking on the role of devil's advocate, so please bear with me and understand that I am in no ways trying to downplay the validity of your feelings. (Furthermore, let me apologize for utilizing both the third and first person in the prior sentence; this is not a habit of mine, but rather a narrative device meant under no circumstances to bely any sort of pretension in my nature above and beyond that which can be expected).

The thought here would be, given that this person has, in the past been a party upon which you could consistently rely in such straits, is it not possible that there are extenuating circumstances that led him to behave in a manner divergent from his norms? Not to excuse his behavior, but rather to explain it as rather the byproduct of something external and not to be taken personally? Either way, he owes you an apology, but consider: perhaps said party had one of those mornings that seems a modern remake of the Book of Job; rises to find that his spacious and reasonable apartment has become flooded from a backup in the plumbing, leading to black water, ankle deep, which has ruined his collection of novels and caused an electrical fire which, among other things, destroyed his computer, suffocated his dog, immolated his Playstation, and caused his alarm clock to fail catastrophically.

Of course I exaggerate, but the point meant to be illustrated here is thus: if a person acts contrary to their nature, or to your expectations of their nature (given past circumstances), is it not reasonable to posit that there may be factors present of which you simply know little, or nothing? The course of action here is plain, if this hypothesis is correct: allow this person time to collect himself, and perhaps inquire, on a friendly level, of his well-being. Unless seriously dire forces are at work, it is entirely reasonable to assume that the individual will realize his mistake and perhaps even offer a well-deserved apology. If this is a friend, you have a right to ask of his well-being, and indeed to push further still, if you deem it necessary or appropriate, wherein you confront him directly and state that you found his attitude and comments inappropriate.

Speaking personally, I find such attitudes to be reprehensible, and borderline misogynist. This may not necessarily be the case, but you have every right to feel as you do, and the important thing to take with you from this (which would also lead into my second suggestion) is that you have a different, and perhaps broader perspective on the way this person deals with situations where stress is a factor.

I was raised to believe that in any circumstance, one treats one's peers with respect, wherever possible; and REacting based on base emotional state (i.e. blowing up at, or ridiculing another because you're "in a shitty mood") is simply inappropriate. In my own personal and professional life, I've striven to avoid such reactive attitudes and actions, but it's far easier said than done.

My second suggestion is the more difficult, but ultimately the more pragmatic; it is simply that knowing now what you know of this person, accept the knowledge for what it is, acknowledge the way it makes you feel, and deal with it in the fashion you deem least destructive. To give you an example, were I in your shoes, I'd wait exactly twenty-four hours, and if an apology or some extenuating circumstance has not come to light, I'd confront this person directly and state my feelings on the matter. I'd take that twenty-four hours to remind myself that nothing in this world is ever certain, and that the nature of trust is that it is tenuous-- this is both its beauty and its curse. Trust is a soap bubble from a plastic wand; beautiful as it floats, iridescent as the light strikes, a thing of magic for the entirety of its existence-- but to carry the metaphor further, bubbles eventually pop, at one point or another, and you can always blow another, I suppose. The conceit sort of loses momentum at this point, because I can't figure out how to tie in that orange plastic bottle, sticky to your fingers, with the fact that you have to strike a balance between trust and observation. You can easily let go of a broken trust by saying "fuck it, I'm on my own, people suck," thus giving up all expectations of other humans, for now, for a time, or forever-- but you'd be wrong in this, and selling yourself short on the human experience. You can also forgive anything and everything, but eventually that leads to you being taken advantage of by even those nearest and dearest-- which sort of defeats the purpose of letting anyone become near, let alone dear.

I suppose the best I can say here is this, and I hope it helps: listen to your heart. Rely on yourself, and smile when others back you up. You've been wronged-- what would make YOU feel better about it? You can confront a person who has wronged you without causing further trouble, but your heart is, regardless, going to desire an answer, a reason, a rationale for this behavior. Think about what would satisfy you, and make a plan. Again, in your shoes, I'd wait that time, try to find my calm and rational center, and compose my manner for approaching the person in question should he fail to take action within those twenty-four hours.


How a person behaves in the most trying times, is the true test of a person's character. While this may not console your disappointment in full, it at least gives you the time to reflect, and perhaps to consider of your own self: how do I behave in trying times? We've all failed, we've all spoken harshly when we didn't mean to, and we've all said things we wish hadn't (whether immediately or some time later). I always give the benefit of the doubt, but my compassion is pro-rated based on 1) how well I regard the person, 2) how long I've known them, and lastly 3) how regularly I'm going to have to deal with them.

I hope this helps, and if you need further advice, or want to discuss this further, you know how to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Dungeons & Dragons

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I was wondering why you play Dungeons & Dragons? I would also like to know the back story of your character (I heard his name is Bubbles). That is all.

Love,
Your local Dungeon Master

Dear Local DM,

Yes, it is indeed true that among the many pleasures and private, personal pursuits of the good Doctor, I can often be found rolling the dice with a close-knit group of my most dear and cherished friends. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some might call such a thing a "guilty pleasure"-- but for me, if it's a pleasure, why should I feel guilty about it?

The whole point of life is enjoyment and personal growth. Well, that and other things, but that's the simplest way to explain the most basic of aspects of human nature. There's a lot to be found in this world, and among the deepest treasures in the rich galleries of life, are the gifts of the human mind and imagination. So, for the same reason that I can't seem to put down my guitar, or stay up late into the wee hours of the morning poring over pages or laptop keys, and have fingered scarred from art scalpels or pins/needles, burned by glue guns, I find my pleasures where I will-- in the realms of the mind as much as of the body.

Playing D&D with my friends is the kind of pursuit that not only makes us smile, laugh, and engage one another, but also provides that close-knit bond of family, something deeply lacking in people of our generation. These are interesting times in which we live, and we must find our own ways to reestablish that drive to family/tribal unit/village that has been taken from the modern person living in more urbanized areas. We form cliques and groups, rotating casts of characters that fade in and out united by fashion or music or love of alcohol-- and that's fine. For me, D&D is something much the same. For our little group, it is as much a pleasure pursuit as it is one more excuse for us all to come together.

Beyond that, it's a callback to the youth that our generation refuses to relinquish. We hold onto those things that keep us young and vital. Lifestyle becomes much more a motivational factor, and thus we choose the lifestyle that fits us best, accessorizing with toys and games and locations and dreams, which we wear like insignia, a complex shibboleth. We choose our faces and dialects in a way that makes sense only in the context of ourselves. This, then, D&D, is just one more way for us to pursue the elusive spectres of happiness that flit in and out of our periphery.

Plus, it's really fucking fun.

To answer the second part of your question, yes, my character's name is Bubbles.

Bubbles is a Warlord of the Tiefling race (something like the above picture), who travels with a group of adventurers who he happens to know from high school. Bubbles wasn't particularly popular in high school, because he was introverted and snide, mostly because he had a quietly cynical attitude, and believed he knew better than everyone else. Plus, a bookish type, he regularly got picked on by the "normals." In his adult years, he came more into his own, but developed a bit of a bossy attitude, which manifests itself as a sort of misguided compassion-- he tells everyone else what to do because he KNOWS he knows better, and wants to do the right thing always. Sometimes, in his minutes just before drifting off to sleep, he imagines himself in another world where he provides advice to friends and strangers, though in a much more handsome and less cynical fashion. Bubbles enjoys good food, but prefers to dine in quiet places, where the wait staff never asks "does everything taste good tonight?" while he has a mouth full of food (he abhors bad manners like that). While he may not always smile, he never hesitates to bestow kindnesses on those closest to him. He's got an amazing singing voice, too-- a rich, velvety baritone; expressive and sensual without any hint of excesses in showmanship.

And that, friends, is that. Yes, I play D&D. No, I won't apologize-- it's a great way to spend time with the people who matter most. That makes it awesome.

I hope this has helped you.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Huddled in a Corner

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I've been having an incredibly tough time of things lately. I recently
found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and today she went in to have an operation, only to discover that the cancer had spread (marginally) to her lymph nodes. My entire family has been
pulling through this in such a cavalier manner, but truthfully I just don't think that we know how to discuss it. Being the oldest, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the iron lung for my family, if you
will. However, I just found out some disturbing news of my own; not having health insurance, I have to rely on Planned Parenthood for my ladylike checkup needs. They informed me that on my last pap smear,
they found "severe dysplaysia," meaning that I could possibly have cervical cancer, or nothing at all. Doctors, right? The WORST part is that, in order to find out whether or not it definitely IS cancer,
they have to take a sample which costs $300; I can barely afford my
rent each month, and I'm supposed to pay for a $300 medical procedure?
Right. Uh huh. I haven't told my family about it, because it would only add to their worries (I guess that's the FINAL worst part).

The kicker is that I feel like my friends have, for the most part, completely drifted away from me over the last couple months. I have no one, save for my roommate and a completely close, dear girlfriend of
mine, to talk to this about. I feel like I've done something totally wrong, which would be an entirely separate 'Dear Dr. Sunday' post. I'm completely trapped, clawing at the inside of my head, with nowhere to
go. How do I talk about this to someone? Anyone? Bueller?

-Huddled in a Corner in Clifton

Dear Huddled,

There's a lot to cover here, and I'll do my absolute best to address every point. Let me start by offering you my moral and spiritual support, for you, your family, and especially your mother. Cancer is a scary prospect even in the best of times, but it's important to keep a positive attitude, because while science can't always take care of the problem, there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that a positive mindset in trying times, especially when coupled with a solid support network, such as a family being as sensitive to the needs of the survivor as possible, while remaining positive themselves.

Now, as far as the feeling that no one is really discussing the matter, or that the issue isn't being faced directly, I will say two things. Thing one, I'm playing devil's advocate: there are as many ways of facing trying times as there are people to face them. Example: I've had some deaths in my family in recent years, more than I wish-- and my father and I, in the best of times, often don't relate the best. I am one to cry when hurt, to share my feelings with my friends, and to give equal time both to confronting my emotions as to trying to be of cheer (cheering myself up, letting friends and close loved ones cheer me, or merely distracting myself to recharge my batteries, so to speak). My father, however, will talk only to my mother about his feelings, and put on the bravest face possible for everyone else, because this is how he sees himself, and how he feels it is best to meet a crisis; not just for himself, but for his family: his wife, three sons, two daughters, and four granddaughters. If this is a recent development, as you said, then perhaps the "cavalier" manner of coping that your family has thus far adopted may simply be the first phase of their response, or may simply be the best they can do-- at the moment.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to simply allow this to continue. While "sweeping things under the rug" may be a time-honored Midwest/American tradition, it's not the best way to deal, by any means. Without knowing the specific dynamic of your family, let me make you a few suggestions for opening dialogue within your family, and if nothing else, let the above statements remind you that sometimes, things are as they must be, thus you must rely upon your own reservoirs of strength, which are great.

Being an oldest child myself, I can relate to your position in your family. This gives you a unique opportunity, of course, to take advantage of being the oldest child-- here's how. Firstly, go to your mother-- MAKE her a card, not to say "get well" but just to say "Mom, I love you, thanks for being amazing." I don't know how she's facing the crisis, or if she's merely doing as the rest of your family, but if you spend a little one-on-one time with her, you can tell her that you're proud of her courage, and that you're praying for her/wishing her well/lighting candles/sacrificing goats/whatever the custom is in your family circumstance. It may seem like a simple thing, but making the gesture is going to do worlds of good for both of you. Then, perhaps you have lunch with your father, or a phone call, or go over to the house and make some dinner for everyone, as you have time. You can meet with siblings or daddy privately, to get into some depth, ask how they're holding up BUT MAKE SURE that you volunteer your OWN feelings in these exchanges, because it opens dialogue and loosens reticent lips. Those more direct approaches are great, but at the very least, making sure that you're visibly showing concern WITH support (making dinner, stopping by to visit, being kind and generous in the best way that you can) will go miles towards opening that door for your whole family, and helping your mother in her recovery.

These are easy things, certainly, and cost you very little financially OR personally-- but trust me, it'll make a difference, as long as you're consistent.

Regarding your concern with Planned Parenthood and the possibility of cancer in your own life, I can offer a few suggestions as well. Firstly, I wish you well, and hope for the best in your health-- but you need to get that test done. How can you do this? Here are my thoughts:

Thought one: Ask your father, privately, without informing the rest of your family. I know that you're concerned about bringing this up with your family, to spare them the worries, but let's be completely frank here-- your father would rather find out that two women he loves well are suffering BUT BEING TREATED, than find that while his wife has recovered, his firstborn daughter is facing the possibility of serious health complications, up to and including DEATH, because she didn't get treated in time. I don't say that to scare you-- please don't mistake me. I've lost two family members in recent years because they didn't want to face the financial implications of seeing a doctor when things STARTED getting scary. That's not an exaggeration. So ask your father for help, if you think he can help you, at least financially, but ask him to hold that in confidence. He'll be glad you trusted him enough to turn to him, and while he'll be concerned, he loves you enough to do the fatherly thing and take care of you.

Thought two: You're clearly working a job right now that doesn't pay you enough for your expenses. Granted, this is a tricky and trying job market/economy, but have you considered the possibility of going to work in an environment where insurance comes from day one? I've got several friends who work in "call center" environments, which, admittedly, aren't the most fun jobs in the world, but tend to have healthcare benefits attached from the first day, as do those of larger corporations-- especially national banks. You could, potentially, get a job by submitting an online application, begin training, and sign up for your benefits ASAP-- and use them. Even if you're only doing it as a means to an end, it's worth it, if it saves your health, or even your life.

Thought three: I don't know how Planned Parenthood works as far as billing/payment go, but if you throw yourself on the mercy of the office, you might be able to put yourself in a payment plan. Call and ask them, stating clearly your concerns-- speak to the doctor, and see what he has to say, what suggestions, if any he might have in this regard. Most doctors, despite being incomprehensible and baffling to the general public, ("it could be cervical cancer-- or nothing at all. Give me $300") are good people who get into their line of work because they want to HELP. I know lots of people who are in RIDICULOUSLY easy payment plans for medical procedures ($20 a month against a few grand, you can swing-- just eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week, and you're there). It'd be great to think this might work, but just bear it in mind and be honest about your financial circumstances. You don't have to prostrate yourself and grovel-- just ask. The worst thing that happens, you get told "I'm sorry, ma'am" and have to use one of the other options.

Were it me, I'd speak to your father first, but only you know what is best for you in that matter, or what you're willing/capable of doing. Keep your resolve strong, make your choice, and stick with it. You will not fail, I can assure you of that.

Now. Regarding your friends, let me say-- it sucks, being isolated, for whatever reason, whether as the result of something you may have done (right, wrong, or indifferent), or merely because the world moves, shit happens, and life goes on for others. It's a terrible feeling, when you can perceive that unpleasant distance between your friends and yourself. So how do you talk about it? How do you find an outlet? There are a few ideas I would have for you, and I hope one fits you well.

You say that your roommate and a close girlfriend are there for you. Perhaps those friends are ones with whom you might spend more time. Get outside your comfortable social circle and see what the world has to offer. It's easy to lean on familiar shoulders-- but ultimately, you hear the kind of advice you'd expect from people who know you as well as you know them. Sure, your roomie probably is close, and you've met his or her crew, maybe they're right and maybe not. What about asking that girlfriend to take you somewhere new, do something outside of your norms? What about other friends who might have drifted away, not as a result of any direct action you've taken, but rather as a result of the not-quite-parallel lines that human lives lead? Call someone and ask them out for coffee. Invite them to something that takes you both to something new, or takes you somewhere that you can find an opportunity to expand who you are. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. Think laterally, think creatively. If the familiar isn't as friendly, spread out. Do something new. Change the landscape, even if you can't move out of the city. You have the power to do anything you choose-- it just takes two things: one, the choice, and two, the will to pursue. Don't forget it.

Alternatively, if you can't just ask someone to listen to you, you could always deal with your concerns in an artistic fashion. Maybe you write poetry, maybe you write prose; maybe you make ninjas out of pantyhose. Only you know what is going to bleed the pressure out of your pipes, so to speak, but don't let worry or fear impede you from doing whatever you have to do to make yourself feel right again. You're a strong and articulate person-- I don't think you're as trapped as you think you are; it's really just about how you perceive your environment. Maybe you just need to stop looking at the bars of the cage, and start considering how far apart those bars really are-- and where you can slip out, or how you can get a message to the outside, so someone can come and unlock that prison.

I know this has been a rather lengthy response, but to be fair, you started it! I'm kidding. I don't mind EVER offering the best advice I can, and I hope this has helped you. And if you have any further questions for me, as you implied, don't hesitate to ask.

Dr. Sunday is always listening. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sunday

Forgiveness

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I have recently done a great wrong against someone who means a lot to me (infidelity). Because of this wrong, I will never be able to even talk to this person again to make it up to them. Part of what I did was the result of mistakes I have made from overreaching flaws as a person; bad habits in my personality. I feel like I owe it to this person (and to my karma) to make amends but i also want to make the kinds of changes in my personality so I can be no longer such a selfish, thoughtless and cruel person anymore. What advice could you give me on these goals, and how can I make amends to someone I can never speak to again?

--Loveless in Loveland

Dear Loveless,

It is always important to learn from one's mistakes, and to give the best that one can to improving oneself. If you have wronged someone, of course it is best that you apologize, and if amends can be made, you should make them-- not just until you feel that you have satisfied your obligation, but rather until you know that the wounds you have caused have been healed as best they can.

You know that what you did was wrong. You feel guilt. Good. You should be hurting. You should look that pain in the face, and know the depths of the sins you have committed, until you know that you will be a better person, and can look back on the wrongs of the past to find yourself with the will and the impetus to change. Ask yourself what it was that you did so wrong, and what aspects of your personality led you to this. You said you were selfish and thoughtless; become someone generous. Become someone who puts others before the self. It's not hard to make little changes in your life, and these little changes become habitual, and then habits become realities. Just as simple as all of that.

Of course, you said the bridge has been burned. How can you make it up to someone who cannot or will not speak to you, let alone listen to you? There are multiple thoughts I might suggest, and they are yours to use as you see most fit. But first, ask yourself this: what do you want from the idea of making amends? A clean conscience in yourself, or to genuinely heal a wound in someone about whom you care? Are you doing this for you, or for the wronged party?

I hope it's both. You will find that while some wrongs DO put you in the kind of place you are now, where there can be no healing, no return to the way things were, that you are too late to change things. Some decisions cannot be taken back, some actions last forever. This does not, however, mean that you need to just lie down and die.

You can't "fix" this person, this wrong, this event that happened, whose inertia still carries you forward into suffering and guilt. You can assuage the guilt by choosing to become a better person, and making active improvements-- not just saying "I'll never do THAT again" or "I'm going to be generous and NOT self-centered anymore," but rather say only things that you can support. If you want these changes to be real, you have to make them stick. Random kindnesses are good. Sharing your story with someone who needs comfort is better. When given the choice to choose between yourself and someone about whom you care-- choose the latter, and throw yourself into it with passion and fervor. You'll find it makes a lot of difference. You'll find that you're much happier a person for it. You might not be able to do a kindness to this person you've harmed, but you can repay it to the universe, for a clean bill of karma.
I'd advise against trying to contact someone who has built a wall against you, if this is the case. The best gift you can give in that circumstance is respect-- don't tear open someone else's scabs just to make your own conscience feel better. Give him or her time to heal. Maybe someday you'll meet again, and maybe not. Maybe someday they'll hear about something truly charitable that you've done, some way in which you've proven that you are NOT defined by your sins, wrongs, harm and misconduct. Only you know what shape you have to take to make this right. It's not too late to improve yourself.

One last thing I will advise-- the way to make a lesson last is to not merely forget it ever happened. You will always know what you did. You will always carry that wrong. You should never feel like, even though you've paid your debt, that it doesn't matter anymore. Even if you are the only one who remembers it, keep it in your heart, as a reminder. If you burn your hand in a fire, you're going to come away with a scar-- and you'll know not to put your hand in a fire anymore. Similarly, let this be a scar in your heart, one that maybe only you can see, but a lesson learned and a tale told.

You have, as we all do, the capacity for great kindness as well as great harm. If you can make this right, do it. If you want to change who you are, don't just SAY it-- do it. Prove it. And don't ever stop proving it. You're not a generous person if you're never giving. You're not selfless person if you're always putting yourself first. make the changes, and don't give up. You'll find that the real answer to your question is in taking the time, and taking the steps your heart tells you.

I hope this has been helpful for you. Be strong-- the desire to improve is the first step towards personal improvement.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Overly Sensitive/Special Night

Dear Doctah Sunday,

I think I need to work on my skin-density or something. Tengo dos issues, and I think they maybe both stem from me being way too worried about not disappointing anyone, but who knows. That's where you come in:

Uno) I have a friend who, as I get busier, is increasingly guilt-trip-inducing when I can't hang out. And if I can hang out, but not for what would be in said-friend's mind "long enough," I get an almost worse guilt trip. And it's a mean guilt trip, not a teasing one. It's abusive and hurtful at times. I think I'm a pretty good person, but these aggressive texts I get just make me recoil. What do I do? Ignore it? Confront it? Try to create more time in my day through some blend of alchemy and science fiction?

Dos) Being, as mentioned, pretty busy of late, I feel like I've let go of some of the romance with mah significant lover. He's been super supportive and awesome, and I need to make up my mind to DO something to show him how great he is. Should I: Make him a romantic dinner (even though I make dinner pretty often...so that might not seem that special)? If so, what? Buy some new lingerie? Make him a card? Something not as lame as those ideas that I'm not creative enough to think of?

Also: What color dress should I buy to wear to Dance_MF on the River (a.k.a. Waterway Ballet, Motherfucker)?

Love,
Overly-Sensitive in Downtown

Dear Overly,

I can utterly and personally relate to your circumstances as stated. I will address each issue in turn, but as there is a bit of overlap contextually, I think I can speak to the general circumstances at large in a fashion that should be helpful.

Having consorted with the powers of darkness for decades, I can assert that there are few methods for manipulation of time that are worth noting. A drug habit is usually a great way to make sure you stay awake more, effectively adding hours to the day, but often at the detriment of your health-- therefore, I recommend not making use of that particular route. The answer, really, is in simply doing your best, and attempting organization. I'm a busy person myself, drawn and quartered by more horses and forces than I care to relate; my way of maximizing my time is to enforce habits that act against my decadent nature. I plan, because I'm naturally impulsive. I use logic, because I'm a very emotional and irrational creature of dubious sanity. I create schedules and adhere to them, and treat them just as I treat my job-- this is merely the shape of my life, and within the strictures of this sonnet, I make my time as i will. You can't make more hours in the day-- but you can make the best of the hours you have.

You're clearly, as your name suggests, a sensitive person. The desire to please those in our lives who matter to us is a common one, but this desire needs to be tempered by a certain level of pragmatism, or it becomes a curse more so than a gift. You wouldn't have guests over for a proper dinner party if your dirty socks and undergarments were strewn wildly about the living room, or the kitchen was filled with dishes so encrusted with dried food and mold that they've begun to resemble artifacts from Pompeii. You'd tidy up first, take a little time to prepare. Similarly, you must approach the intersection of your professional and personal lives with that same level of pragmatic attention. Do what you have to do, and when this is done, everything else can follow.

But that's merely the general side. On the specific level, let's start with query Uno. Your friend is being highly unfair to you in not respecting the other demands upon your life. You knew that part. How to address it, though; this depends on firstly what you know of your friend. I can suggest a couple of ways one might deal with the situation. The simplest, of course, being the indirect approach, or as I like to call it "let THEM deal with it." Go as you must, do what thou wilt, and when the snide and snarkiness hits your text messaging screen, you make the conscious choice to remind yourself that you have no reason to feel guilty. In fact, you're being wronged by that. You can choose to ignore the messages, particularly as they turn sour-- one of the best communication techniques afforded us by the advent of text messaging is that silence can be interpreted any number of ways. If you get an aggressive or ugly text, you can ignore it, and let the sender make of that as they will. If they're the kind of friend worth having, they may just think, upon cooling down, that they've crossed a line, and thus learn a lesson. The problem here isn't on YOUR end. You're living your life. You just have a needy friend who has a schedule far less busy than your own, who lacks in social graces, and is clearly trying to exploit your sensitive nature into guilt reactions. There's no reason to succumb to any of that. At all.

If it gets worse, I'd confront the person directly. A simple phone call, or perhaps a face-to-face conversation in calmer times. You can't see this person as often as you normally do, but if you stop by, say your peace, and do it respectfully, you'll likely get a good result. If it doesn't work, it's not your fault-- maybe this friend is not the best kind, or maybe there are factors present causing stress to your friend, leading them to act contrary to their past nature. Regardless of how you choose to deal actively with the situation, whether you ignore or confront (and if it was me, I'd ignore, and only confront if it didn't improve), the real lesson here is to not choose this burden for your own shoulders. You're carrying the weight of your own life, your own problems, your own stresses; you're far better off not adding to that load simply because a friend of yours is insensitive.

That's my word on that. I hope it helps. Question Dos is much easier. Speaking as both a male and a particularly awesome one at that, I can suggest that you think in terms of an event, to reward your beau for his supportive nature. Rather than simply going with a dinner, or a card, or the lingerie (all really great ideas), I would try to make a night, or a weekend, or a day, whatever, of it all-- plan in detail an event, for just the two of you. Think of things, small things, things you can make, things you can do, things you can create. The perfect itunes playlist, the perfect dinner; the perfect mood, the perfect moment. A combination of small things can become a memory that will carry this young man much further than an isolated gift. The tangible things are beautiful, but a memory goes everywhere. Consider what would make HIM happy, and what would excite you in preparing for him, from top to bottom: mood, sounds, intimacy, attention. I love the idea of hand-made gifts and a well-prepared dinner, but with a little planning, you can combine all the best of your many lovely charms into a night he will carry in his heart for the rest of his life. Plus, you're going to have an amazing time plotting, planning, and conniving. Use your good judgement-- I'm fully confident that you'll be able to exceed even your own expectations.

Regarding your final aside: with your coloration, I've always thought green a good look for you, provided it's a rich one. The symbolism of vitality while dancing and debauching on the mighty Ohio River is potent indeed. That's just off the top of my head, though.

I hope this has been helpful for you, and remember: you can strike a balance no matter how slender the beam. This is true for every aspect of your life. If you need any further advice, you know where to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday