Betrayed

Doctor Sunday:
A very good friend (metaphorically) threw me under the bus today, and I am having trouble letting it go. I don't really want to go into the details, but I'll say that we were involved in a somewhat stressful decision-situation, in which many of the other people involved were overreacting, and I was trying to be reasonable and convince everyone to stop and think before we acted in a reactionary way. This is not an unusual scenario with this group. Usually, I can count on him to be with me and help chill everyone out, but today, instead, he mocked me in front of all of them. (Essentially, "she's bitching and moaning so I guess we'll just have to wait till she stops crying") I already told him that I didn't appreciate this remark, and he sort of apologized, but I am still very bothered. How do I let this go? Much of this is the fact that I am disappointed in him, I expected more and now I feel as though I can't count on him anymore.

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,
This is a very unpleasant experience indeed. Trust is the most important factor in any relationship, be it platonic, collaborative, romantic, or any combination thereof, and when that trust feels violated, it can be very difficult to regain, let alone to merely forgive/forget. Without knowing the full details of the situation, I can still perhaps suggest a couple of possibilities as to the "why," which may help you to let this go.

The first possible solution would involve, however, Dr. Sunday taking on the role of devil's advocate, so please bear with me and understand that I am in no ways trying to downplay the validity of your feelings. (Furthermore, let me apologize for utilizing both the third and first person in the prior sentence; this is not a habit of mine, but rather a narrative device meant under no circumstances to bely any sort of pretension in my nature above and beyond that which can be expected).

The thought here would be, given that this person has, in the past been a party upon which you could consistently rely in such straits, is it not possible that there are extenuating circumstances that led him to behave in a manner divergent from his norms? Not to excuse his behavior, but rather to explain it as rather the byproduct of something external and not to be taken personally? Either way, he owes you an apology, but consider: perhaps said party had one of those mornings that seems a modern remake of the Book of Job; rises to find that his spacious and reasonable apartment has become flooded from a backup in the plumbing, leading to black water, ankle deep, which has ruined his collection of novels and caused an electrical fire which, among other things, destroyed his computer, suffocated his dog, immolated his Playstation, and caused his alarm clock to fail catastrophically.

Of course I exaggerate, but the point meant to be illustrated here is thus: if a person acts contrary to their nature, or to your expectations of their nature (given past circumstances), is it not reasonable to posit that there may be factors present of which you simply know little, or nothing? The course of action here is plain, if this hypothesis is correct: allow this person time to collect himself, and perhaps inquire, on a friendly level, of his well-being. Unless seriously dire forces are at work, it is entirely reasonable to assume that the individual will realize his mistake and perhaps even offer a well-deserved apology. If this is a friend, you have a right to ask of his well-being, and indeed to push further still, if you deem it necessary or appropriate, wherein you confront him directly and state that you found his attitude and comments inappropriate.

Speaking personally, I find such attitudes to be reprehensible, and borderline misogynist. This may not necessarily be the case, but you have every right to feel as you do, and the important thing to take with you from this (which would also lead into my second suggestion) is that you have a different, and perhaps broader perspective on the way this person deals with situations where stress is a factor.

I was raised to believe that in any circumstance, one treats one's peers with respect, wherever possible; and REacting based on base emotional state (i.e. blowing up at, or ridiculing another because you're "in a shitty mood") is simply inappropriate. In my own personal and professional life, I've striven to avoid such reactive attitudes and actions, but it's far easier said than done.

My second suggestion is the more difficult, but ultimately the more pragmatic; it is simply that knowing now what you know of this person, accept the knowledge for what it is, acknowledge the way it makes you feel, and deal with it in the fashion you deem least destructive. To give you an example, were I in your shoes, I'd wait exactly twenty-four hours, and if an apology or some extenuating circumstance has not come to light, I'd confront this person directly and state my feelings on the matter. I'd take that twenty-four hours to remind myself that nothing in this world is ever certain, and that the nature of trust is that it is tenuous-- this is both its beauty and its curse. Trust is a soap bubble from a plastic wand; beautiful as it floats, iridescent as the light strikes, a thing of magic for the entirety of its existence-- but to carry the metaphor further, bubbles eventually pop, at one point or another, and you can always blow another, I suppose. The conceit sort of loses momentum at this point, because I can't figure out how to tie in that orange plastic bottle, sticky to your fingers, with the fact that you have to strike a balance between trust and observation. You can easily let go of a broken trust by saying "fuck it, I'm on my own, people suck," thus giving up all expectations of other humans, for now, for a time, or forever-- but you'd be wrong in this, and selling yourself short on the human experience. You can also forgive anything and everything, but eventually that leads to you being taken advantage of by even those nearest and dearest-- which sort of defeats the purpose of letting anyone become near, let alone dear.

I suppose the best I can say here is this, and I hope it helps: listen to your heart. Rely on yourself, and smile when others back you up. You've been wronged-- what would make YOU feel better about it? You can confront a person who has wronged you without causing further trouble, but your heart is, regardless, going to desire an answer, a reason, a rationale for this behavior. Think about what would satisfy you, and make a plan. Again, in your shoes, I'd wait that time, try to find my calm and rational center, and compose my manner for approaching the person in question should he fail to take action within those twenty-four hours.


How a person behaves in the most trying times, is the true test of a person's character. While this may not console your disappointment in full, it at least gives you the time to reflect, and perhaps to consider of your own self: how do I behave in trying times? We've all failed, we've all spoken harshly when we didn't mean to, and we've all said things we wish hadn't (whether immediately or some time later). I always give the benefit of the doubt, but my compassion is pro-rated based on 1) how well I regard the person, 2) how long I've known them, and lastly 3) how regularly I'm going to have to deal with them.

I hope this helps, and if you need further advice, or want to discuss this further, you know how to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday