Let's talk about sex.

Dear Dr Sunday,
I was wondering if you had any advice for a couple. We've been together for a little more than two years and we don't have sex very much anymore. We still love each other but for some reason we're just not doing it that often- maybe once or twice a month. When we first got together we used to do it like three or four days out of the week at least. Im still very attracted to my boyfriend and hes still very attracted to me, but how can we make things a little more interesting for both of us? I dont want us to stop being interested in each other or to start looking elsewhere. Can you help us pleeeeease?
Frustrated in Fremont

Dear Frustrated,

Using extra vowels in the word "please" is a great way to get my attention, apparently. That was a joke. Never do that again. (also a joke, fyi)

Let me break this down for you as simply as possible. We're going to address this issue on two fronts-- causes and symptoms. This is going to require some work on your part-- but if you really care the way that you claim to, and I have no reason to doubt that you do, then you'll find this a breeze.

Ok. Now, to proceed logically, let me ask you: is something different in your relationship? Has something changed, qualitatively or quantitatively, in the nature of your interactions with your boyfriend, that might impact this? Are you spending less time together, are you spending less time thinking about each other? Is someone taking someone else for granted, is one partner more selfish than the other, have you both begun to drift, etc? Has something HAPPENED? Are both of you in good health? Do you live together, do you see each other often? Are you both honest about your needs and feelings, or your level of commitment to the relationship? How do YOU feel about YOURSELF? How does HE feel about HIMSELF? Etc.

Here's the thing, Frustrated. ANY of the above could factor into a reduction in the affection level. Are you physically affectionate enough OUTSIDE of sex? It's easy, in the first blush of a relationship, to hold hands, touch, be close, be intimate, make your friends nauseous through public displays of affection-- but when you're alone, do you still kiss good night? Do you still say "I love you" every time you meet? Does this love, honestly, to you, mean enough to you that you're willing to give of yourself? And what of him?

Those questions themselves pose suggestions, surely, if they are in fact the problem, but since our correspondence, at the moment, is limited to an email and your response (at least until you write more, I suppose), all I can say is ask yourself all of the above and if you find an issue, address it-- and if you need more advice, by all means, feel free to ask. This advice thing is kind of what I do, right?

Now. How, in the short term, to address the problem? Well, for the sensibilities of my readers, I'll keep this relatively clean, though I do believe my advice will lend itself well to resolution of your immediate sexual concerns, while you choosing to pursue and face any root matters (if any) as listed above, or otherwise, will address the problem at its core. In other words, I can't help you love your man any more than I can help him to love you, though I can probably give you some advice to get you both screwing like you should already be.

Thought one: honesty. If you're both concerned about not having enough sex, then try to figure out why. Sure, it gets less hot if you're scheduling it, but for FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, make time for each other, with an emphasis on that. Since it's you writing me (and not HIM writing me) I'd suggest that you take the reins here yourself (figuratively OR literally). Are you really that attracted to him? Do you love him? Then SEDUCE the guy. Use your charms and wiles. Talk to him. Ask him about fantasies. Seriously. Sounds corny, but if you suddenly reveal something about your own, he's going to feel a bit comfortable stepping forward to tell you something. See if that's not something you can work with. I can guarantee you, unless he reveals some unforeseen really sick fetish, you're both going to have one HELL of a time with that talk, especially if you really make sure it keeps going well past the initial awkwardness. You'll thank me. Talk about what you both want, and see how long it takes to start seeing some of that come to life.

Thought two: what you already know. You're the one writing me, not him, so maybe he doesn't read this blog (if so, he's probably not worth fucking anyway, but since you love him, I'll assume he's a loyal reader, and pretend I was just joking when I said that). This says clearly that you really want to make this happen, but you're at a loss. You're at the end of your rope, so to speak, and you need more than what you have. So get more. Make this happen yourself. You know this guy. You know him a lot better than I do. Surprise him. Give him what he wants: positions, costumes, location, roleplay, talk, accessories, unrestrained passion--whatever it is that you know he would enjoy. Give him something that's going to leave him wanting more. Send him a message, write him a letter, take a picture (but only if you're sure this is going to last, obviously), or just fucking surprise him when he least expects it. Show up and tell him you need something, get it and then go home. He'll be so blindsided that he'll be forced to take a whole new perspective on who you are-- and if he's really into you, he's going to find himself a lot more willing. And if you're the problem, if you're the one who isn't as willing, then giving yourself time to use what you know of him to plot, plan, and scheme for amazing experiences, you're going to feel like more of a sexual person. You can't be lazy with love. You have to give, you have to show effort, you can't merely expect things to happen in their own time. Those kinds of thoughts are exactly why this kind of thing happens to people.

Being male myself, I can state categorically that if you provide him with something that is a true EXPERIENCE, you're going to give him the kind of gift (memories, desire, satisfaction) that will keep him focused on you-- and at the same time, you're going to find yourself a lot more interested, as you work to make things more interesting. And it won't take much effort in that way to really let love (or at the very least, sex) to engage itself into making things a lot hotter and more interesting than you ever thought possible, or ever could have accomplished alone.

Trust me, I'm a pretend internet Doctor. I'm not going to let you down on this one. If you do as I say, you won't let yourself (or him) down either. I've got plenty more I could tell you, but I'd rather not denote this particular entry as NSFW. Believe in yourself, use your creativity, and if you really want this, the appetite will provide the impetus. Do it! It's on you now. Stop reading (for tonight) and start plotting!

I hope this has helped you.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday