Dear Dr Sunday,
I was wondering if you had any advice for a couple. We've been together for a little more than two years and we don't have sex very much anymore. We still love each other but for some reason we're just not doing it that often- maybe once or twice a month. When we first got together we used to do it like three or four days out of the week at least. Im still very attracted to my boyfriend and hes still very attracted to me, but how can we make things a little more interesting for both of us? I dont want us to stop being interested in each other or to start looking elsewhere. Can you help us pleeeeease?
Frustrated in Fremont
Dear Frustrated,
Using extra vowels in the word "please" is a great way to get my attention, apparently. That was a joke. Never do that again. (also a joke, fyi)
Let me break this down for you as simply as possible. We're going to address this issue on two fronts-- causes and symptoms. This is going to require some work on your part-- but if you really care the way that you claim to, and I have no reason to doubt that you do, then you'll find this a breeze.
Ok. Now, to proceed logically, let me ask you: is something different in your relationship? Has something changed, qualitatively or quantitatively, in the nature of your interactions with your boyfriend, that might impact this? Are you spending less time together, are you spending less time thinking about each other? Is someone taking someone else for granted, is one partner more selfish than the other, have you both begun to drift, etc? Has something HAPPENED? Are both of you in good health? Do you live together, do you see each other often? Are you both honest about your needs and feelings, or your level of commitment to the relationship? How do YOU feel about YOURSELF? How does HE feel about HIMSELF? Etc.
Here's the thing, Frustrated. ANY of the above could factor into a reduction in the affection level. Are you physically affectionate enough OUTSIDE of sex? It's easy, in the first blush of a relationship, to hold hands, touch, be close, be intimate, make your friends nauseous through public displays of affection-- but when you're alone, do you still kiss good night? Do you still say "I love you" every time you meet? Does this love, honestly, to you, mean enough to you that you're willing to give of yourself? And what of him?
Those questions themselves pose suggestions, surely, if they are in fact the problem, but since our correspondence, at the moment, is limited to an email and your response (at least until you write more, I suppose), all I can say is ask yourself all of the above and if you find an issue, address it-- and if you need more advice, by all means, feel free to ask. This advice thing is kind of what I do, right?
Now. How, in the short term, to address the problem? Well, for the sensibilities of my readers, I'll keep this relatively clean, though I do believe my advice will lend itself well to resolution of your immediate sexual concerns, while you choosing to pursue and face any root matters (if any) as listed above, or otherwise, will address the problem at its core. In other words, I can't help you love your man any more than I can help him to love you, though I can probably give you some advice to get you both screwing like you should already be.
Thought one: honesty. If you're both concerned about not having enough sex, then try to figure out why. Sure, it gets less hot if you're scheduling it, but for FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, make time for each other, with an emphasis on that. Since it's you writing me (and not HIM writing me) I'd suggest that you take the reins here yourself (figuratively OR literally). Are you really that attracted to him? Do you love him? Then SEDUCE the guy. Use your charms and wiles. Talk to him. Ask him about fantasies. Seriously. Sounds corny, but if you suddenly reveal something about your own, he's going to feel a bit comfortable stepping forward to tell you something. See if that's not something you can work with. I can guarantee you, unless he reveals some unforeseen really sick fetish, you're both going to have one HELL of a time with that talk, especially if you really make sure it keeps going well past the initial awkwardness. You'll thank me. Talk about what you both want, and see how long it takes to start seeing some of that come to life.
Thought two: what you already know. You're the one writing me, not him, so maybe he doesn't read this blog (if so, he's probably not worth fucking anyway, but since you love him, I'll assume he's a loyal reader, and pretend I was just joking when I said that). This says clearly that you really want to make this happen, but you're at a loss. You're at the end of your rope, so to speak, and you need more than what you have. So get more. Make this happen yourself. You know this guy. You know him a lot better than I do. Surprise him. Give him what he wants: positions, costumes, location, roleplay, talk, accessories, unrestrained passion--whatever it is that you know he would enjoy. Give him something that's going to leave him wanting more. Send him a message, write him a letter, take a picture (but only if you're sure this is going to last, obviously), or just fucking surprise him when he least expects it. Show up and tell him you need something, get it and then go home. He'll be so blindsided that he'll be forced to take a whole new perspective on who you are-- and if he's really into you, he's going to find himself a lot more willing. And if you're the problem, if you're the one who isn't as willing, then giving yourself time to use what you know of him to plot, plan, and scheme for amazing experiences, you're going to feel like more of a sexual person. You can't be lazy with love. You have to give, you have to show effort, you can't merely expect things to happen in their own time. Those kinds of thoughts are exactly why this kind of thing happens to people.
Being male myself, I can state categorically that if you provide him with something that is a true EXPERIENCE, you're going to give him the kind of gift (memories, desire, satisfaction) that will keep him focused on you-- and at the same time, you're going to find yourself a lot more interested, as you work to make things more interesting. And it won't take much effort in that way to really let love (or at the very least, sex) to engage itself into making things a lot hotter and more interesting than you ever thought possible, or ever could have accomplished alone.
Trust me, I'm a pretend internet Doctor. I'm not going to let you down on this one. If you do as I say, you won't let yourself (or him) down either. I've got plenty more I could tell you, but I'd rather not denote this particular entry as NSFW. Believe in yourself, use your creativity, and if you really want this, the appetite will provide the impetus. Do it! It's on you now. Stop reading (for tonight) and start plotting!
I hope this has helped you.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Age and betrayal.
Dear Dr. Sunday,
I broke up with my long term, live in boyfriend last year because, among other things, he was carrying on what I believed to be an inappropriate relationship with a high school student who was the little sister of one of our friends. He insisted nothing was going on but now they are in a relationship so I think I was pretty much dead on. He is 26 and she is 18. I find this to be incredibly disgusting despite the techinical legality of the whole thing. My ex is incredibly smart, he graduated top of his class from a very prestigious university, is a two-time national debate champion and just finished a clerkship with a federal judge and is now working for the government in an important position. But, that being the case, how can he be so stupid and date a high school student? Is there something wrong with me that I dated such a creep? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Confused in the City
Dear Confused,
Let me first state that I am sorry to hear what you have been through, particularly with respect to the presumed (and likely) infidelity (emotional or otherwise). Ending a relationship is, more often than not, a very unpleasant and difficult thing, and situations such as these only make it that much harder. I do hope that you've found yourself the better for it.
I'll answer your twofold question in reverse order, because I can, and it seems easier that way. I don't believe that you should blame yourself, or that there is "something wrong" with you for having dated him. He was the one who wronged you, at least during the relationship. Obviously, the things he has done subsequent to the relationship are his own affair, no pun intended. Even if there was in fact "nothing" going on, and he merely considered the young lady a friend, he should have respected AT THE VERY LEAST that it made you uncomfortable. If he were truly committed to the relationship, he would have shown you the courtesy and respect due you by facing and addressing in a productive and unselfish fashion, or removing the situation. Relationships are ALWAYS supposed to be about compromise, which means sacrifices must be made particularly where outside forces (in this case, a high school girl) act as obstacles. The fact that he did NOT, according to your account, make the necessary changes proves at the least he is/was a selfish person who put his own wishes before your own and well ahead of the relationship itself, and also tends to imply that his unwillingness to make such a change in that circumstance might be indicative of actual infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both. He wasn't willing to let go for a reason-- it isn't hard to imagine what those reasons might have been, particularly given the circumstances now.
As for WHY he would date a high school student? To that, I cannot say with certainty. I have to admit that the age difference between myself and my girlfriend of the last five years is exactly the same-- and a little math will probably make it clear that she was a high school senior when I started dating her, two weeks before my 26th birthday. At the time, we'd not really discussed the age difference (I thought she was older, she thought I was younger, and we met through work), but to be fair, I also was NOT in a relationship with someone else at the time. We simply made a strong emotional connection, one that blossomed into something very real for the two of us, despite the years. For us, it felt natural-- it's not as though I sought after a much younger gal, it just sort of happened that the person I fell in love with was also someone a fair bit younger than me.
With your ex, however, he had to have known. So why, then? Obviously, he wasn't anywhere near as committed as you to the relationship. Maybe he had some sort of unresolved emotional issue inside, where he saw in a much younger girl the chance to recapture some sort of vitality or youth? Or could it be that he felt that the relationship had become stagnant for him, because he'd never really given himself fully to it, and found his wandering eye to be more than he could stand? For some people, the "grass is always greener," which doesn't mean your pasture is any less beautiful-- it just means that despite his obvious intelligence, he may lack a certain level of personal maturity. You can be a very intelligent person and still be an impetuous child, especially when you're a male.
Or, maybe, and I can't know for certain, but maybe-- she's the one for him, and the time was right, and age is, at certain points in one's life, merely another label. Meaning, then, that this is not and never was your fault-- it was just time for things to change, and maybe he's happy now and you'll be happier too. It's difficult to say, but you have to consider all possibilities.
You should not hold any of this against yourself, or feel any less worthy as a result of it. It's hard sometimes not to doubt oneself, particularly when you've been put aside in favor of something else (if this was indeed the problem), but the fault is not in you-- this guy acted like a selfish asshole, or this guy wasn't right for you, or this whole time had come and gone, and now it's time to learn, grow and move on.
Set your sights on the future, and learn from the past.
I hope this has helped you. Be well.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I broke up with my long term, live in boyfriend last year because, among other things, he was carrying on what I believed to be an inappropriate relationship with a high school student who was the little sister of one of our friends. He insisted nothing was going on but now they are in a relationship so I think I was pretty much dead on. He is 26 and she is 18. I find this to be incredibly disgusting despite the techinical legality of the whole thing. My ex is incredibly smart, he graduated top of his class from a very prestigious university, is a two-time national debate champion and just finished a clerkship with a federal judge and is now working for the government in an important position. But, that being the case, how can he be so stupid and date a high school student? Is there something wrong with me that I dated such a creep? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Confused in the City
Dear Confused,
Let me first state that I am sorry to hear what you have been through, particularly with respect to the presumed (and likely) infidelity (emotional or otherwise). Ending a relationship is, more often than not, a very unpleasant and difficult thing, and situations such as these only make it that much harder. I do hope that you've found yourself the better for it.
I'll answer your twofold question in reverse order, because I can, and it seems easier that way. I don't believe that you should blame yourself, or that there is "something wrong" with you for having dated him. He was the one who wronged you, at least during the relationship. Obviously, the things he has done subsequent to the relationship are his own affair, no pun intended. Even if there was in fact "nothing" going on, and he merely considered the young lady a friend, he should have respected AT THE VERY LEAST that it made you uncomfortable. If he were truly committed to the relationship, he would have shown you the courtesy and respect due you by facing and addressing in a productive and unselfish fashion, or removing the situation. Relationships are ALWAYS supposed to be about compromise, which means sacrifices must be made particularly where outside forces (in this case, a high school girl) act as obstacles. The fact that he did NOT, according to your account, make the necessary changes proves at the least he is/was a selfish person who put his own wishes before your own and well ahead of the relationship itself, and also tends to imply that his unwillingness to make such a change in that circumstance might be indicative of actual infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both. He wasn't willing to let go for a reason-- it isn't hard to imagine what those reasons might have been, particularly given the circumstances now.
As for WHY he would date a high school student? To that, I cannot say with certainty. I have to admit that the age difference between myself and my girlfriend of the last five years is exactly the same-- and a little math will probably make it clear that she was a high school senior when I started dating her, two weeks before my 26th birthday. At the time, we'd not really discussed the age difference (I thought she was older, she thought I was younger, and we met through work), but to be fair, I also was NOT in a relationship with someone else at the time. We simply made a strong emotional connection, one that blossomed into something very real for the two of us, despite the years. For us, it felt natural-- it's not as though I sought after a much younger gal, it just sort of happened that the person I fell in love with was also someone a fair bit younger than me.
With your ex, however, he had to have known. So why, then? Obviously, he wasn't anywhere near as committed as you to the relationship. Maybe he had some sort of unresolved emotional issue inside, where he saw in a much younger girl the chance to recapture some sort of vitality or youth? Or could it be that he felt that the relationship had become stagnant for him, because he'd never really given himself fully to it, and found his wandering eye to be more than he could stand? For some people, the "grass is always greener," which doesn't mean your pasture is any less beautiful-- it just means that despite his obvious intelligence, he may lack a certain level of personal maturity. You can be a very intelligent person and still be an impetuous child, especially when you're a male.
Or, maybe, and I can't know for certain, but maybe-- she's the one for him, and the time was right, and age is, at certain points in one's life, merely another label. Meaning, then, that this is not and never was your fault-- it was just time for things to change, and maybe he's happy now and you'll be happier too. It's difficult to say, but you have to consider all possibilities.
You should not hold any of this against yourself, or feel any less worthy as a result of it. It's hard sometimes not to doubt oneself, particularly when you've been put aside in favor of something else (if this was indeed the problem), but the fault is not in you-- this guy acted like a selfish asshole, or this guy wasn't right for you, or this whole time had come and gone, and now it's time to learn, grow and move on.
Set your sights on the future, and learn from the past.
I hope this has helped you. Be well.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Shorties, Anonymous, and Facebook: a collection of the brief.
*****Dear Readers-- what you are about to read is a list of random short questions asked of me, whether via anonymous emails (some nice, some fake, some douchey), or comments left on my facebook page. Thought I'd share, because, well, I want to, and this is MY blog. If you don't like it, you're probably not reading this anyway. So enjoy, friends. --The Doctor.*****
#1- Doctor: Itchy head.. Do I have lice? And if so, Will you pick them out? --T.
Dear T: Getting checked for lice is fun and easy-- those popsicle stick things they run through your hair kind of feel good on the scalp.
Lice-picking is a premium service, not included within the Dr. Sunday free project, but I could probably offer you a coupon or something. I'd also advise not wearing the other kids' hats. Love, Dr. Sunday
#2- Doctor Sunday: My question for you is... My boyfriend is turning 28 in August and I have no idea what to do for him. I know I want to do something very creative and adventurous but I'm running low on ideas. Any thoughts??? --M.
Dear M: Might I suggest, firstly, a surprise party, on a date at least one week prior to his birthday? I successfully caught my dear Claudia with a great surprise party by enlisting (without her knowledge) the help of a couple of her friends (whom she didn't know I had contact with; I used facebook and was VERY tricky). A surprise party ON the birthday would be too easily deduced.
Are we discussing a gift, an event, or a combination thereof? In my experience (as in, being a guy), I will tell you that nothing moves me more than an experience I can remember forever, or something I can hold onto and look back on repeatedly, whether it be a poem, a hand-made gift or hand-made card, or simply a letter on clever stationary. I'm the sentimental type, so a keepsake is a lot more meaningful to me than say, that video game I've been dying to play, which I'll play through once and then never again. I don't know if your man falls into that category, but that would certainly make your job easier.
Using your wits, you can guarantee the kind of birthday surprise for your boyfriend that he'll never forget.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
#3-- Doctor Sunday- Why are you such a homo? --Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle [identity edited by the editor because I fucking CAN]
Dear GSF,
It's 2009, why not? Dr. Sunday just loves people. Plus, you're really cute. Piss off, my dear Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle, and if you feel again like speaking to me, at least be funny. Keep reaching for that rainbow! --Dr. Sunday
#4-- Dr. Sunday, Where the hell did my pants go??????!@? --K.
Dear K.,
They are under my bed, in my box of keepsakes, because your love means so much to me that I can't imagine being able to part with them. I regret the necessity of sneaking up behind you with a chloroform soaked rag, just to steal your pants, but to be honest, after the roller coaster/whirlwind madness we shared, I simply didn't believe that you'd be willing to part with even such a simple keepsake.
Or maybe that was a joke. I'd advise looking through your laundry hamper aggressively, or looking under your bed. Normally, when I can't find an article of clothing, it has either been misfiled in my closet/dresser/etc, or buried somehow in my laundry, if not appropriated by my beloved cat as part of his fortress under my bed.
Hope this helps you.
Love,
Dr. Sunday
#5 Dr Sunday-- (*editor's note, spelling in this query has been corrected, and rather extensively at that): what is your problem with BC13? I read your post and you're just running your mouth like an asshole. no one asked you. --the dank knight
Dear "The Dank Knight,"
First off, yes, someone DID ask me. Secondly, you clearly didn't read the post thoroughly enough, but I'd blame that on the apparently severe level of cognitive disability you displayed so memorably across your email. Tell your mother or special needs provider that I told you to "write back when puberty hits, or functional literacy-- whichever comes first." Twat. Sincerely, Dr. Sunday.
PS- the "DANK KNIGHT?" seriously? dude. Wow.
*****And I'll close there. I've got more, but I'll save those for a future date. I'd once again like to remind you to feel free to ASK ME ANYTHING, and thank you, my dear readers, for making this blog such a fun and successful project.
Much love, and always listening,
Dr. Sunday*****
#1- Doctor: Itchy head.. Do I have lice? And if so, Will you pick them out? --T.
Dear T: Getting checked for lice is fun and easy-- those popsicle stick things they run through your hair kind of feel good on the scalp.
Lice-picking is a premium service, not included within the Dr. Sunday free project, but I could probably offer you a coupon or something. I'd also advise not wearing the other kids' hats. Love, Dr. Sunday
#2- Doctor Sunday: My question for you is... My boyfriend is turning 28 in August and I have no idea what to do for him. I know I want to do something very creative and adventurous but I'm running low on ideas. Any thoughts??? --M.
Dear M: Might I suggest, firstly, a surprise party, on a date at least one week prior to his birthday? I successfully caught my dear Claudia with a great surprise party by enlisting (without her knowledge) the help of a couple of her friends (whom she didn't know I had contact with; I used facebook and was VERY tricky). A surprise party ON the birthday would be too easily deduced.
Are we discussing a gift, an event, or a combination thereof? In my experience (as in, being a guy), I will tell you that nothing moves me more than an experience I can remember forever, or something I can hold onto and look back on repeatedly, whether it be a poem, a hand-made gift or hand-made card, or simply a letter on clever stationary. I'm the sentimental type, so a keepsake is a lot more meaningful to me than say, that video game I've been dying to play, which I'll play through once and then never again. I don't know if your man falls into that category, but that would certainly make your job easier.
Using your wits, you can guarantee the kind of birthday surprise for your boyfriend that he'll never forget.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
#3-- Doctor Sunday- Why are you such a homo? --Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle [identity edited by the editor because I fucking CAN]
Dear GSF,
It's 2009, why not? Dr. Sunday just loves people. Plus, you're really cute. Piss off, my dear Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle, and if you feel again like speaking to me, at least be funny. Keep reaching for that rainbow! --Dr. Sunday
#4-- Dr. Sunday, Where the hell did my pants go??????!@? --K.
Dear K.,
They are under my bed, in my box of keepsakes, because your love means so much to me that I can't imagine being able to part with them. I regret the necessity of sneaking up behind you with a chloroform soaked rag, just to steal your pants, but to be honest, after the roller coaster/whirlwind madness we shared, I simply didn't believe that you'd be willing to part with even such a simple keepsake.
Or maybe that was a joke. I'd advise looking through your laundry hamper aggressively, or looking under your bed. Normally, when I can't find an article of clothing, it has either been misfiled in my closet/dresser/etc, or buried somehow in my laundry, if not appropriated by my beloved cat as part of his fortress under my bed.
Hope this helps you.
Love,
Dr. Sunday
#5 Dr Sunday-- (*editor's note, spelling in this query has been corrected, and rather extensively at that): what is your problem with BC13? I read your post and you're just running your mouth like an asshole. no one asked you. --the dank knight
Dear "The Dank Knight,"
First off, yes, someone DID ask me. Secondly, you clearly didn't read the post thoroughly enough, but I'd blame that on the apparently severe level of cognitive disability you displayed so memorably across your email. Tell your mother or special needs provider that I told you to "write back when puberty hits, or functional literacy-- whichever comes first." Twat. Sincerely, Dr. Sunday.
PS- the "DANK KNIGHT?" seriously? dude. Wow.
*****And I'll close there. I've got more, but I'll save those for a future date. I'd once again like to remind you to feel free to ASK ME ANYTHING, and thank you, my dear readers, for making this blog such a fun and successful project.
Much love, and always listening,
Dr. Sunday*****
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Friday, August 14, 2009
To love and be loved
Dr. Sunday,
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
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