Dearest Dr. Sunday,
I recently ended a long term relationship and there has been something weighing heavily on me. It is not a second guess of whether I did the "right thing", but why I am not hurt, nor confused about the situation.
This is someone I had spent every day with. Had held and whispered "I love you" to. Who was my best friend. The person I could spend every day with laughing, partying or just laying around in bed with. And in a series of days, all of this turned to dust and was quickly blown away by the wind. As I'm sure everyone else can relate to breakups, you would think I would be in tears and hurt. Instead, I shed a few tears and moved on immediately, never looking back. Fuck, I'm already dating someone else and it does not feel strange. It does not feel forced, nor too soon to be investing emotions into the girl I am seeing. Strange, right?
Not only this, but I am currently guessing that she is already interested and/or dating someone else as well. After finding this out, I sat back in bed and thought of her with someone else. Instead of pain or heartache filling me, it surprisingly made smile that she too is moving on and that she is happy. WTF, right?
I've never experienced anything like this before in all of my past relationships. This is why I am confused...
And here come the questions for you, Dr. Sunday:
Where was my grieving?
Where were the flooding tears and hurt?
Why am I completely okay dating someone else?
Why am I okay with her dating someone else?
Why do I feel so numb about this whole situation?
Was she really just a best friend who had a title of "girlfriend"?
Did I only love her as a best friend the entire time and that's why this is so easy?
What the fuck is going on here, Dr. Sunday? Because of what I have learned from past relationships and breakups, I don't feel human. I'm not depressed or upset about anything I have mentioned. Everything feels right. And that is the most interesting part to me.
I really need you to check my mechanical brain. It might have short-circuited... or maybe all systems are running perfectly (I side with the latter). Either way, I would like you to take a look inside.
love,
a robot
Dear Robot,
Is it really so strange to think that a decision you made seems, at least in the immediate present following the decision, to be without painful repercussion? That you could decide upon a thing, act upon it, and feel good about what you have done? I warn you, Robot, that in examining the circuits and gears of your robot brain, I may offer you more questions than answers-- but I believe that I can at least guide your programming to better self-diagnosis. Bear in mind, my pretend-internet doctorate is in Bombast, Assholery, and Knowitalletry, not robotics-- but I will do my best.
On the surface level, of course one might expect, in the ending of a relationship, to find tears on one side or other of the equation. Of course, this question comes from your side, so yours is the side that I can address. You followed your story with a series of questions, all which point towards common answers-- you want to know if there is something wrong with you, or something you might have missed in the definition of your prior relationship state, that would explain why now you feel happy for the current case of affairs (your new adventure, and the other party's new adventure). You say that you have never experienced this sort of thing in the ending of a relationship-- and you wonder what that means, as well.
So, where is your grief? You have stated that you "shed a few tears, and moved on immediately, never looking back." Let me suggest a few possibilities here. Firstly, were those few tears enough for you? Or did the act of moving on anesthetize you, at least in the short term, against further tears? Do you think that your quick forward step into a new relationship means something here? Perhaps moving forward made it easier for you not to grieve (at least for right now). Or perhaps the fact that you were willing to move on so immediately means that your level of commitment to the lost relationship was not as you believed it to be. Perhaps the time you spent together meant something different to each of you.
Is it possible that the recent events have happened so close together that you haven't had time to explore in full the things you may feel later on? It is hard to say. Every heart is different, every situation, every love-- only you know what you are truly feeling, and how honest you are allowing yourself to be regarding your heart. Is this self-defense? Is this a calm before the storm? Is this the peace that comes with doing what you believe in your heart to be right for you? The answer to your dilemma lies somewhere between these points, and in your place I would spend time reflecting thereupon.
You wondered whether or not your previous relationship was, in whole or in part, not as you imagined, at least from your side. Did your heart change? Would you have noticed? Were you preparing an exit strategy, with eyes towards a future of your own during the relationship at any point? Further, do you think that the kind of time spent together perhaps led you towards familiarity rather than romance? It is hard to say. A good relationship, at least in my opinion (which is what matters here, as this is MY blog), consists of a combination of deep friendship and deep passion. Maybe somewhere along the way, at least in YOUR heart, the line between friendship and passion was crossed and blurred until it was hard to see for you-- and the constant time spent together made it hard for you to really see that something had changed. You can't see the movie if you're sitting in the front row, you know?
Perhaps this would explain why you would be happy for her when the time comes for her to move on with her life. Maybe in the course of all of this you realized that the care you hold in your heart for this lady is such that you wish her happiness. Sometimes relationships end in bitter circumstances-- so without knowing the exact shape your ending there took, I cannot say whether the spite and bitterness that sometimes appears therein has fallen. I would imagine that while you have acted such, taking steps towards your own future and away from her, that you are at least decent enough to feel bad for any pain you might have caused-- it would only follow, logically, then, that you would wish her well. Only you know how you really feel there, and only time will tell just what the outcome of your choices may be.
Of course, sometimes, Robot, "everything feels right" because it is. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do-- maybe not hard for you, but hard for someone else. Sometimes, you make choices that won't be popular or easy, and that may cause pain to people who do not deserve to be hurt--but ultimately, time will tell. Maybe you're getting off easy at the moment-- but if you did what you believe is right, and believed it enough to be willing to take this kind of step, even if it hurt someone else, then you did what you had to do. Maybe the lady's hurting-- maybe she's in the same boat as you, relieved in some respects, ready for a new adventure, or just taking some time to reflect. It isn't your worry anymore, regardless of the case--you gave up the right to that worry when you ended things.
So, Robot, is something wrong with you? Or is everything as it should be, now? I advise, rather than worrying about why you are not worrying at all, that you focus on functioning as well as you can, leading your life, doing no harm and keeping those gears oiled and turning. A chapter in your life is past, and a new one begins-- do not let your memory chips get cluttered. Save that which is good and beautiful, or what is wise and instructive. Learn, live, and grow. You have time to find your own answers, as we all do in our own adventures.
I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
If this one doesn't offend you, you might be worth knowing.
To the ever witty and handsome Doctor Sunday,
Have recently been pondering life. Love, pain, existence, etc. Included in this waxing, and the one I wish to speak on, is the biggest perplexity of all..
Why is everyone a moron?
It seems that quite recently I have been surrounded by more stupidity than deemed necessary. As I have never been naive in the least, I have always had my suspicions of half the general population being sadly afflicted with being an idiot. It has just been growing in numbers more so than usual lately.
To elaborate: Why does my roommate have the time to get weeded/eat all of my food/whine about women daily, but cannot spare twenty seconds to wash a fork?
Why is an ex m.i.a. until they need an outlet to bitch or rant to, i.e., you?
Why does that drunk girl you don't know at The Tavern feel the need to let you know exactly how long she's gone without sexy time (and how horny she is) whilst spilling your beer and attempting bedroom eyes at all your friends?
And then there's even the non-personal. Why is gay marriage illegal?
Why does the creditreport.com guy continue to be allowed commercial time? I could go on for days here.
Is this just a part of human nature that I will eventually have to accept and live with? Is it because Pluto is in retrograde? Am I just unmoving, unfeeling, unkind? (bonus points for alliteration) I would surely hope not as I'm a humanist first and foremost. Please share your thoughts on my, and the world's, dilemma.
xo,
Pissed off Smarty Pants.
Dearest Pissed off Smarty Pants,
This is indeed a tough and challenging question. Why are there so many morons? Can we blame it on modern diet, or perhaps the influx of new avenues of vicarious entertainment that serve to dilute creativity, stunt motivation, and cripple intellect? Is it a sign of some pending apocalypse not predicted in any ancient text or entheogen-addled shaman dreams? Does the Matrix need more RAM or to switch to Linux? All valid questions.
We could point the finger in many directions. While I'm only half-joking when I say that the "information age" serves to leave people more "educated" while growing less intelligent, the truth is, people really do pay too much attention to things that aren't worth it. Take the continued existence of American Idol. Anyone with even just a single pair of neurons that spark even periodically should find that sort of thing to be a slap in the face; particularly anyone who values art enough to NOT wish it to be so BLATANTLY commoditized. Now, I could sit here and insult even some of my close friends by calling them stupid for watching it, but I'd rather not, because some of them are people I see often enough to make social exchanges awkward were I to make that choice.
So looking at the results, we wonder: is there a causal relationship between the modern media and stupidity? Do we support moronic things because we're stupid, or does our stupidity result in a market for stupid things? It's a vicious cycle.
The point is, and I'll be shockingly Nietzschean for a moment, by saying that morons are out there to make the non-morons shine. Think about it. Evolution has created a number of wonders and traits (seriously, click that link; it's awesome, right?), all while leaving others far, far behind. The favorable features provide mating advantages, and social evolution often adopts innovation. Now, the scary thing here, is that natural selection appears to be leading us in the wrong direction, as the proliferation of idiocy is reaching a more critical stage, when the opposite SHOULD be true. We're getting educations, we're travelling more widely, we've got access to so many things beyond the dreams of previous generations-- so why is it that we're consistently producing underachieving, uninspired hacks who consume foolishly, travel seemingly only to prove that a fool in Chicago is a fool in Paris, and allow atrocities such as this to be inflicted upon the general public.
Why? Isn't it obvious? Clearly, we've reached a plateau, and in some metaphysical sense, evolution/God/the Universe is saying "ok, seriously? all this time and the best you can do is this?" This is why we have so many legends, myths, and tales of a Great Deluge. It's an archetype that plugs directly into the forward-thinking psyche of Human Development. We know that the day will come, when rather than "wickedness," "ungodliness" and "immorality," we are damned by "stupidity," "douchebags," and "80's retro."
It's all our own fault, though. In the last few decades, more so than ever, and worse still today, we're raising a society of people who are born and raised without ever having to actually try; people who are fed entitlement and inflated senses of self-worth, who are coddled through situations where character should have been built. LET THE CHILDREN FAIL. IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THEY WILL EVER REALLY LEARN. YOUR ILLITERATE, BELLIGERENT, LOUD-MOUTHED BEDWETTER IS NOT SPECIAL-- THAT HAS TO BE EARNED.
Would that I knew the proper spell to incant, to make this all go away-- give our pesky species the chance to install upgrades and restart. Sadly, such is not the case, so these are facts and facets with which you and I must continue to cope. And as logic will dictate, when the facts of a situation are immutable, one must address reality by altering perception and/or altering reaction. For example, to address your sub-questions: your roomie puffs, dines, and whines so much because if he shut up, he'd have to find something else to do, and washing up seems distasteful: in other words, stupid, lazy, and it sucks--keep your food where it cannot be taken, roll your eyes at the whining, and wash only your own dishes. And ex's who only come around when they want something are selfish and stupid enough to believe that you don't have anything better to do than make yourself available to them--be stronger than that, and you can always hang up the phone, hit the "invisible" button in chat, or be clever with excuses. Remember, lying to a moron doesn't count as dishonesty-- so go for it, with my blessing.
The drunk bar slut behaves thus because she is slave to her appetites and impulses, thereby little to differ from the animals at the zoo. I'd recommend throwing peanuts at her and taking her picture until she either starts flinging feces or hides behind a tree. It's 2009, drunk bar slut-- getting laid is easy, and you don't have to play games or reek of desperation while embarassing yourself and everyone who knows you. Put on some underwear and close your fucking mouth-- if you weren't so pathetic, maybe you wouldn't HAVE to whine about "how long it's been."
Gay marriage is illegal because there are too many ignorant idiots holding onto outmoded morality, who want to hold onto their places in the rising divorce rates. Don't worry, we'll have gay marriage before we have legal pot--and both of those are coming down the line, doubt it not.
And the creditreportdotcom guy is still on the air because we are being punished for all of our sins, and for allowing the continued existence of Coldplay.
As for the last part of your message, do not blame yourself-- you are certainly not "unmoving, unfeeling, unkind." You're merely aware and quite realistic, and if the weight of the world makes you a little bit bitter sometimes, it is to be understood. You can be a humanist and still find your heart a bit sour on the thought of your fellow humans, sometimes.
My advice to you is simple. Do what I do: surround yourself with intelligent, charming and attractive people; chances are, you already know some-- seek their company. You can meet new people through those you know already, and that's fantastic, because you can pick and choose. Invite yourself out, invite others in. Participate in activities geared towards your interests, and make friends-- take a class, get up and go out, be creative and use good judgement. Be choosy with those you allow to become close to you. Initiate creative correspondences-- collaborate. Be smart and never, ever, EVER settle for anything less than what will really keep you happy and stimulated. Ignore what you can of the unwashed masses, and learn to laugh at what you can't ignore-- the more you learn to laugh, the easier it is to keep that shadow right out of your heart, and moreso, there is POWER in mockery. Keep your wits sharp and don't drag yourself down unnecessarily. A nice sense of superiority helps, too, but you'll get that anyway.
Your recognition of the problem tells me that you're going to be JUST fine. I hope this has helped you, and if you need anything else, you know where to find me.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
Have recently been pondering life. Love, pain, existence, etc. Included in this waxing, and the one I wish to speak on, is the biggest perplexity of all..
Why is everyone a moron?
It seems that quite recently I have been surrounded by more stupidity than deemed necessary. As I have never been naive in the least, I have always had my suspicions of half the general population being sadly afflicted with being an idiot. It has just been growing in numbers more so than usual lately.
To elaborate: Why does my roommate have the time to get weeded/eat all of my food/whine about women daily, but cannot spare twenty seconds to wash a fork?
Why is an ex m.i.a. until they need an outlet to bitch or rant to, i.e., you?
Why does that drunk girl you don't know at The Tavern feel the need to let you know exactly how long she's gone without sexy time (and how horny she is) whilst spilling your beer and attempting bedroom eyes at all your friends?
And then there's even the non-personal. Why is gay marriage illegal?
Why does the creditreport.com guy continue to be allowed commercial time? I could go on for days here.
Is this just a part of human nature that I will eventually have to accept and live with? Is it because Pluto is in retrograde? Am I just unmoving, unfeeling, unkind? (bonus points for alliteration) I would surely hope not as I'm a humanist first and foremost. Please share your thoughts on my, and the world's, dilemma.
xo,
Pissed off Smarty Pants.
Dearest Pissed off Smarty Pants,
This is indeed a tough and challenging question. Why are there so many morons? Can we blame it on modern diet, or perhaps the influx of new avenues of vicarious entertainment that serve to dilute creativity, stunt motivation, and cripple intellect? Is it a sign of some pending apocalypse not predicted in any ancient text or entheogen-addled shaman dreams? Does the Matrix need more RAM or to switch to Linux? All valid questions.
We could point the finger in many directions. While I'm only half-joking when I say that the "information age" serves to leave people more "educated" while growing less intelligent, the truth is, people really do pay too much attention to things that aren't worth it. Take the continued existence of American Idol. Anyone with even just a single pair of neurons that spark even periodically should find that sort of thing to be a slap in the face; particularly anyone who values art enough to NOT wish it to be so BLATANTLY commoditized. Now, I could sit here and insult even some of my close friends by calling them stupid for watching it, but I'd rather not, because some of them are people I see often enough to make social exchanges awkward were I to make that choice.
So looking at the results, we wonder: is there a causal relationship between the modern media and stupidity? Do we support moronic things because we're stupid, or does our stupidity result in a market for stupid things? It's a vicious cycle.
The point is, and I'll be shockingly Nietzschean for a moment, by saying that morons are out there to make the non-morons shine. Think about it. Evolution has created a number of wonders and traits (seriously, click that link; it's awesome, right?), all while leaving others far, far behind. The favorable features provide mating advantages, and social evolution often adopts innovation. Now, the scary thing here, is that natural selection appears to be leading us in the wrong direction, as the proliferation of idiocy is reaching a more critical stage, when the opposite SHOULD be true. We're getting educations, we're travelling more widely, we've got access to so many things beyond the dreams of previous generations-- so why is it that we're consistently producing underachieving, uninspired hacks who consume foolishly, travel seemingly only to prove that a fool in Chicago is a fool in Paris, and allow atrocities such as this to be inflicted upon the general public.
Why? Isn't it obvious? Clearly, we've reached a plateau, and in some metaphysical sense, evolution/God/the Universe is saying "ok, seriously? all this time and the best you can do is this?" This is why we have so many legends, myths, and tales of a Great Deluge. It's an archetype that plugs directly into the forward-thinking psyche of Human Development. We know that the day will come, when rather than "wickedness," "ungodliness" and "immorality," we are damned by "stupidity," "douchebags," and "80's retro."
It's all our own fault, though. In the last few decades, more so than ever, and worse still today, we're raising a society of people who are born and raised without ever having to actually try; people who are fed entitlement and inflated senses of self-worth, who are coddled through situations where character should have been built. LET THE CHILDREN FAIL. IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THEY WILL EVER REALLY LEARN. YOUR ILLITERATE, BELLIGERENT, LOUD-MOUTHED BEDWETTER IS NOT SPECIAL-- THAT HAS TO BE EARNED.
Would that I knew the proper spell to incant, to make this all go away-- give our pesky species the chance to install upgrades and restart. Sadly, such is not the case, so these are facts and facets with which you and I must continue to cope. And as logic will dictate, when the facts of a situation are immutable, one must address reality by altering perception and/or altering reaction. For example, to address your sub-questions: your roomie puffs, dines, and whines so much because if he shut up, he'd have to find something else to do, and washing up seems distasteful: in other words, stupid, lazy, and it sucks--keep your food where it cannot be taken, roll your eyes at the whining, and wash only your own dishes. And ex's who only come around when they want something are selfish and stupid enough to believe that you don't have anything better to do than make yourself available to them--be stronger than that, and you can always hang up the phone, hit the "invisible" button in chat, or be clever with excuses. Remember, lying to a moron doesn't count as dishonesty-- so go for it, with my blessing.
The drunk bar slut behaves thus because she is slave to her appetites and impulses, thereby little to differ from the animals at the zoo. I'd recommend throwing peanuts at her and taking her picture until she either starts flinging feces or hides behind a tree. It's 2009, drunk bar slut-- getting laid is easy, and you don't have to play games or reek of desperation while embarassing yourself and everyone who knows you. Put on some underwear and close your fucking mouth-- if you weren't so pathetic, maybe you wouldn't HAVE to whine about "how long it's been."
Gay marriage is illegal because there are too many ignorant idiots holding onto outmoded morality, who want to hold onto their places in the rising divorce rates. Don't worry, we'll have gay marriage before we have legal pot--and both of those are coming down the line, doubt it not.
And the creditreportdotcom guy is still on the air because we are being punished for all of our sins, and for allowing the continued existence of Coldplay.
As for the last part of your message, do not blame yourself-- you are certainly not "unmoving, unfeeling, unkind." You're merely aware and quite realistic, and if the weight of the world makes you a little bit bitter sometimes, it is to be understood. You can be a humanist and still find your heart a bit sour on the thought of your fellow humans, sometimes.
My advice to you is simple. Do what I do: surround yourself with intelligent, charming and attractive people; chances are, you already know some-- seek their company. You can meet new people through those you know already, and that's fantastic, because you can pick and choose. Invite yourself out, invite others in. Participate in activities geared towards your interests, and make friends-- take a class, get up and go out, be creative and use good judgement. Be choosy with those you allow to become close to you. Initiate creative correspondences-- collaborate. Be smart and never, ever, EVER settle for anything less than what will really keep you happy and stimulated. Ignore what you can of the unwashed masses, and learn to laugh at what you can't ignore-- the more you learn to laugh, the easier it is to keep that shadow right out of your heart, and moreso, there is POWER in mockery. Keep your wits sharp and don't drag yourself down unnecessarily. A nice sense of superiority helps, too, but you'll get that anyway.
Your recognition of the problem tells me that you're going to be JUST fine. I hope this has helped you, and if you need anything else, you know where to find me.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Age and betrayal.
Dear Dr. Sunday,
I broke up with my long term, live in boyfriend last year because, among other things, he was carrying on what I believed to be an inappropriate relationship with a high school student who was the little sister of one of our friends. He insisted nothing was going on but now they are in a relationship so I think I was pretty much dead on. He is 26 and she is 18. I find this to be incredibly disgusting despite the techinical legality of the whole thing. My ex is incredibly smart, he graduated top of his class from a very prestigious university, is a two-time national debate champion and just finished a clerkship with a federal judge and is now working for the government in an important position. But, that being the case, how can he be so stupid and date a high school student? Is there something wrong with me that I dated such a creep? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Confused in the City
Dear Confused,
Let me first state that I am sorry to hear what you have been through, particularly with respect to the presumed (and likely) infidelity (emotional or otherwise). Ending a relationship is, more often than not, a very unpleasant and difficult thing, and situations such as these only make it that much harder. I do hope that you've found yourself the better for it.
I'll answer your twofold question in reverse order, because I can, and it seems easier that way. I don't believe that you should blame yourself, or that there is "something wrong" with you for having dated him. He was the one who wronged you, at least during the relationship. Obviously, the things he has done subsequent to the relationship are his own affair, no pun intended. Even if there was in fact "nothing" going on, and he merely considered the young lady a friend, he should have respected AT THE VERY LEAST that it made you uncomfortable. If he were truly committed to the relationship, he would have shown you the courtesy and respect due you by facing and addressing in a productive and unselfish fashion, or removing the situation. Relationships are ALWAYS supposed to be about compromise, which means sacrifices must be made particularly where outside forces (in this case, a high school girl) act as obstacles. The fact that he did NOT, according to your account, make the necessary changes proves at the least he is/was a selfish person who put his own wishes before your own and well ahead of the relationship itself, and also tends to imply that his unwillingness to make such a change in that circumstance might be indicative of actual infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both. He wasn't willing to let go for a reason-- it isn't hard to imagine what those reasons might have been, particularly given the circumstances now.
As for WHY he would date a high school student? To that, I cannot say with certainty. I have to admit that the age difference between myself and my girlfriend of the last five years is exactly the same-- and a little math will probably make it clear that she was a high school senior when I started dating her, two weeks before my 26th birthday. At the time, we'd not really discussed the age difference (I thought she was older, she thought I was younger, and we met through work), but to be fair, I also was NOT in a relationship with someone else at the time. We simply made a strong emotional connection, one that blossomed into something very real for the two of us, despite the years. For us, it felt natural-- it's not as though I sought after a much younger gal, it just sort of happened that the person I fell in love with was also someone a fair bit younger than me.
With your ex, however, he had to have known. So why, then? Obviously, he wasn't anywhere near as committed as you to the relationship. Maybe he had some sort of unresolved emotional issue inside, where he saw in a much younger girl the chance to recapture some sort of vitality or youth? Or could it be that he felt that the relationship had become stagnant for him, because he'd never really given himself fully to it, and found his wandering eye to be more than he could stand? For some people, the "grass is always greener," which doesn't mean your pasture is any less beautiful-- it just means that despite his obvious intelligence, he may lack a certain level of personal maturity. You can be a very intelligent person and still be an impetuous child, especially when you're a male.
Or, maybe, and I can't know for certain, but maybe-- she's the one for him, and the time was right, and age is, at certain points in one's life, merely another label. Meaning, then, that this is not and never was your fault-- it was just time for things to change, and maybe he's happy now and you'll be happier too. It's difficult to say, but you have to consider all possibilities.
You should not hold any of this against yourself, or feel any less worthy as a result of it. It's hard sometimes not to doubt oneself, particularly when you've been put aside in favor of something else (if this was indeed the problem), but the fault is not in you-- this guy acted like a selfish asshole, or this guy wasn't right for you, or this whole time had come and gone, and now it's time to learn, grow and move on.
Set your sights on the future, and learn from the past.
I hope this has helped you. Be well.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I broke up with my long term, live in boyfriend last year because, among other things, he was carrying on what I believed to be an inappropriate relationship with a high school student who was the little sister of one of our friends. He insisted nothing was going on but now they are in a relationship so I think I was pretty much dead on. He is 26 and she is 18. I find this to be incredibly disgusting despite the techinical legality of the whole thing. My ex is incredibly smart, he graduated top of his class from a very prestigious university, is a two-time national debate champion and just finished a clerkship with a federal judge and is now working for the government in an important position. But, that being the case, how can he be so stupid and date a high school student? Is there something wrong with me that I dated such a creep? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Confused in the City
Dear Confused,
Let me first state that I am sorry to hear what you have been through, particularly with respect to the presumed (and likely) infidelity (emotional or otherwise). Ending a relationship is, more often than not, a very unpleasant and difficult thing, and situations such as these only make it that much harder. I do hope that you've found yourself the better for it.
I'll answer your twofold question in reverse order, because I can, and it seems easier that way. I don't believe that you should blame yourself, or that there is "something wrong" with you for having dated him. He was the one who wronged you, at least during the relationship. Obviously, the things he has done subsequent to the relationship are his own affair, no pun intended. Even if there was in fact "nothing" going on, and he merely considered the young lady a friend, he should have respected AT THE VERY LEAST that it made you uncomfortable. If he were truly committed to the relationship, he would have shown you the courtesy and respect due you by facing and addressing in a productive and unselfish fashion, or removing the situation. Relationships are ALWAYS supposed to be about compromise, which means sacrifices must be made particularly where outside forces (in this case, a high school girl) act as obstacles. The fact that he did NOT, according to your account, make the necessary changes proves at the least he is/was a selfish person who put his own wishes before your own and well ahead of the relationship itself, and also tends to imply that his unwillingness to make such a change in that circumstance might be indicative of actual infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both. He wasn't willing to let go for a reason-- it isn't hard to imagine what those reasons might have been, particularly given the circumstances now.
As for WHY he would date a high school student? To that, I cannot say with certainty. I have to admit that the age difference between myself and my girlfriend of the last five years is exactly the same-- and a little math will probably make it clear that she was a high school senior when I started dating her, two weeks before my 26th birthday. At the time, we'd not really discussed the age difference (I thought she was older, she thought I was younger, and we met through work), but to be fair, I also was NOT in a relationship with someone else at the time. We simply made a strong emotional connection, one that blossomed into something very real for the two of us, despite the years. For us, it felt natural-- it's not as though I sought after a much younger gal, it just sort of happened that the person I fell in love with was also someone a fair bit younger than me.
With your ex, however, he had to have known. So why, then? Obviously, he wasn't anywhere near as committed as you to the relationship. Maybe he had some sort of unresolved emotional issue inside, where he saw in a much younger girl the chance to recapture some sort of vitality or youth? Or could it be that he felt that the relationship had become stagnant for him, because he'd never really given himself fully to it, and found his wandering eye to be more than he could stand? For some people, the "grass is always greener," which doesn't mean your pasture is any less beautiful-- it just means that despite his obvious intelligence, he may lack a certain level of personal maturity. You can be a very intelligent person and still be an impetuous child, especially when you're a male.
Or, maybe, and I can't know for certain, but maybe-- she's the one for him, and the time was right, and age is, at certain points in one's life, merely another label. Meaning, then, that this is not and never was your fault-- it was just time for things to change, and maybe he's happy now and you'll be happier too. It's difficult to say, but you have to consider all possibilities.
You should not hold any of this against yourself, or feel any less worthy as a result of it. It's hard sometimes not to doubt oneself, particularly when you've been put aside in favor of something else (if this was indeed the problem), but the fault is not in you-- this guy acted like a selfish asshole, or this guy wasn't right for you, or this whole time had come and gone, and now it's time to learn, grow and move on.
Set your sights on the future, and learn from the past.
I hope this has helped you. Be well.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
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