After the relationship.

Dearest Dr. Sunday,

I recently ended a long term relationship and there has been something weighing heavily on me. It is not a second guess of whether I did the "right thing", but why I am not hurt, nor confused about the situation.

This is someone I had spent every day with. Had held and whispered "I love you" to. Who was my best friend. The person I could spend every day with laughing, partying or just laying around in bed with. And in a series of days, all of this turned to dust and was quickly blown away by the wind. As I'm sure everyone else can relate to breakups, you would think I would be in tears and hurt. Instead, I shed a few tears and moved on immediately, never looking back. Fuck, I'm already dating someone else and it does not feel strange. It does not feel forced, nor too soon to be investing emotions into the girl I am seeing. Strange, right?

Not only this, but I am currently guessing that she is already interested and/or dating someone else as well. After finding this out, I sat back in bed and thought of her with someone else. Instead of pain or heartache filling me, it surprisingly made smile that she too is moving on and that she is happy. WTF, right?

I've never experienced anything like this before in all of my past relationships. This is why I am confused...

And here come the questions for you, Dr. Sunday:

Where was my grieving?
Where were the flooding tears and hurt?
Why am I completely okay dating someone else?
Why am I okay with her dating someone else?
Why do I feel so numb about this whole situation?
Was she really just a best friend who had a title of "girlfriend"?
Did I only love her as a best friend the entire time and that's why this is so easy?

What the fuck is going on here, Dr. Sunday? Because of what I have learned from past relationships and breakups, I don't feel human. I'm not depressed or upset about anything I have mentioned. Everything feels right. And that is the most interesting part to me.

I really need you to check my mechanical brain. It might have short-circuited... or maybe all systems are running perfectly (I side with the latter). Either way, I would like you to take a look inside.

love,
a robot

Dear Robot,

Is it really so strange to think that a decision you made seems, at least in the immediate present following the decision, to be without painful repercussion? That you could decide upon a thing, act upon it, and feel good about what you have done? I warn you, Robot, that in examining the circuits and gears of your robot brain, I may offer you more questions than answers-- but I believe that I can at least guide your programming to better self-diagnosis. Bear in mind, my pretend-internet doctorate is in Bombast, Assholery, and Knowitalletry, not robotics-- but I will do my best.

On the surface level, of course one might expect, in the ending of a relationship, to find tears on one side or other of the equation. Of course, this question comes from your side, so yours is the side that I can address. You followed your story with a series of questions, all which point towards common answers-- you want to know if there is something wrong with you, or something you might have missed in the definition of your prior relationship state, that would explain why now you feel happy for the current case of affairs (your new adventure, and the other party's new adventure). You say that you have never experienced this sort of thing in the ending of a relationship-- and you wonder what that means, as well.

So, where is your grief? You have stated that you "shed a few tears, and moved on immediately, never looking back." Let me suggest a few possibilities here. Firstly, were those few tears enough for you? Or did the act of moving on anesthetize you, at least in the short term, against further tears? Do you think that your quick forward step into a new relationship means something here? Perhaps moving forward made it easier for you not to grieve (at least for right now). Or perhaps the fact that you were willing to move on so immediately means that your level of commitment to the lost relationship was not as you believed it to be. Perhaps the time you spent together meant something different to each of you.

Is it possible that the recent events have happened so close together that you haven't had time to explore in full the things you may feel later on? It is hard to say. Every heart is different, every situation, every love-- only you know what you are truly feeling, and how honest you are allowing yourself to be regarding your heart. Is this self-defense? Is this a calm before the storm? Is this the peace that comes with doing what you believe in your heart to be right for you? The answer to your dilemma lies somewhere between these points, and in your place I would spend time reflecting thereupon.

You wondered whether or not your previous relationship was, in whole or in part, not as you imagined, at least from your side. Did your heart change? Would you have noticed? Were you preparing an exit strategy, with eyes towards a future of your own during the relationship at any point? Further, do you think that the kind of time spent together perhaps led you towards familiarity rather than romance? It is hard to say. A good relationship, at least in my opinion (which is what matters here, as this is MY blog), consists of a combination of deep friendship and deep passion. Maybe somewhere along the way, at least in YOUR heart, the line between friendship and passion was crossed and blurred until it was hard to see for you-- and the constant time spent together made it hard for you to really see that something had changed. You can't see the movie if you're sitting in the front row, you know?

Perhaps this would explain why you would be happy for her when the time comes for her to move on with her life. Maybe in the course of all of this you realized that the care you hold in your heart for this lady is such that you wish her happiness. Sometimes relationships end in bitter circumstances-- so without knowing the exact shape your ending there took, I cannot say whether the spite and bitterness that sometimes appears therein has fallen. I would imagine that while you have acted such, taking steps towards your own future and away from her, that you are at least decent enough to feel bad for any pain you might have caused-- it would only follow, logically, then, that you would wish her well. Only you know how you really feel there, and only time will tell just what the outcome of your choices may be.

Of course, sometimes, Robot, "everything feels right" because it is. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do-- maybe not hard for you, but hard for someone else. Sometimes, you make choices that won't be popular or easy, and that may cause pain to people who do not deserve to be hurt--but ultimately, time will tell. Maybe you're getting off easy at the moment-- but if you did what you believe is right, and believed it enough to be willing to take this kind of step, even if it hurt someone else, then you did what you had to do. Maybe the lady's hurting-- maybe she's in the same boat as you, relieved in some respects, ready for a new adventure, or just taking some time to reflect. It isn't your worry anymore, regardless of the case--you gave up the right to that worry when you ended things.

So, Robot, is something wrong with you? Or is everything as it should be, now? I advise, rather than worrying about why you are not worrying at all, that you focus on functioning as well as you can, leading your life, doing no harm and keeping those gears oiled and turning. A chapter in your life is past, and a new one begins-- do not let your memory chips get cluttered. Save that which is good and beautiful, or what is wise and instructive. Learn, live, and grow. You have time to find your own answers, as we all do in our own adventures.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday