Overly Sensitive/Special Night

Dear Doctah Sunday,

I think I need to work on my skin-density or something. Tengo dos issues, and I think they maybe both stem from me being way too worried about not disappointing anyone, but who knows. That's where you come in:

Uno) I have a friend who, as I get busier, is increasingly guilt-trip-inducing when I can't hang out. And if I can hang out, but not for what would be in said-friend's mind "long enough," I get an almost worse guilt trip. And it's a mean guilt trip, not a teasing one. It's abusive and hurtful at times. I think I'm a pretty good person, but these aggressive texts I get just make me recoil. What do I do? Ignore it? Confront it? Try to create more time in my day through some blend of alchemy and science fiction?

Dos) Being, as mentioned, pretty busy of late, I feel like I've let go of some of the romance with mah significant lover. He's been super supportive and awesome, and I need to make up my mind to DO something to show him how great he is. Should I: Make him a romantic dinner (even though I make dinner pretty often...so that might not seem that special)? If so, what? Buy some new lingerie? Make him a card? Something not as lame as those ideas that I'm not creative enough to think of?

Also: What color dress should I buy to wear to Dance_MF on the River (a.k.a. Waterway Ballet, Motherfucker)?

Love,
Overly-Sensitive in Downtown

Dear Overly,

I can utterly and personally relate to your circumstances as stated. I will address each issue in turn, but as there is a bit of overlap contextually, I think I can speak to the general circumstances at large in a fashion that should be helpful.

Having consorted with the powers of darkness for decades, I can assert that there are few methods for manipulation of time that are worth noting. A drug habit is usually a great way to make sure you stay awake more, effectively adding hours to the day, but often at the detriment of your health-- therefore, I recommend not making use of that particular route. The answer, really, is in simply doing your best, and attempting organization. I'm a busy person myself, drawn and quartered by more horses and forces than I care to relate; my way of maximizing my time is to enforce habits that act against my decadent nature. I plan, because I'm naturally impulsive. I use logic, because I'm a very emotional and irrational creature of dubious sanity. I create schedules and adhere to them, and treat them just as I treat my job-- this is merely the shape of my life, and within the strictures of this sonnet, I make my time as i will. You can't make more hours in the day-- but you can make the best of the hours you have.

You're clearly, as your name suggests, a sensitive person. The desire to please those in our lives who matter to us is a common one, but this desire needs to be tempered by a certain level of pragmatism, or it becomes a curse more so than a gift. You wouldn't have guests over for a proper dinner party if your dirty socks and undergarments were strewn wildly about the living room, or the kitchen was filled with dishes so encrusted with dried food and mold that they've begun to resemble artifacts from Pompeii. You'd tidy up first, take a little time to prepare. Similarly, you must approach the intersection of your professional and personal lives with that same level of pragmatic attention. Do what you have to do, and when this is done, everything else can follow.

But that's merely the general side. On the specific level, let's start with query Uno. Your friend is being highly unfair to you in not respecting the other demands upon your life. You knew that part. How to address it, though; this depends on firstly what you know of your friend. I can suggest a couple of ways one might deal with the situation. The simplest, of course, being the indirect approach, or as I like to call it "let THEM deal with it." Go as you must, do what thou wilt, and when the snide and snarkiness hits your text messaging screen, you make the conscious choice to remind yourself that you have no reason to feel guilty. In fact, you're being wronged by that. You can choose to ignore the messages, particularly as they turn sour-- one of the best communication techniques afforded us by the advent of text messaging is that silence can be interpreted any number of ways. If you get an aggressive or ugly text, you can ignore it, and let the sender make of that as they will. If they're the kind of friend worth having, they may just think, upon cooling down, that they've crossed a line, and thus learn a lesson. The problem here isn't on YOUR end. You're living your life. You just have a needy friend who has a schedule far less busy than your own, who lacks in social graces, and is clearly trying to exploit your sensitive nature into guilt reactions. There's no reason to succumb to any of that. At all.

If it gets worse, I'd confront the person directly. A simple phone call, or perhaps a face-to-face conversation in calmer times. You can't see this person as often as you normally do, but if you stop by, say your peace, and do it respectfully, you'll likely get a good result. If it doesn't work, it's not your fault-- maybe this friend is not the best kind, or maybe there are factors present causing stress to your friend, leading them to act contrary to their past nature. Regardless of how you choose to deal actively with the situation, whether you ignore or confront (and if it was me, I'd ignore, and only confront if it didn't improve), the real lesson here is to not choose this burden for your own shoulders. You're carrying the weight of your own life, your own problems, your own stresses; you're far better off not adding to that load simply because a friend of yours is insensitive.

That's my word on that. I hope it helps. Question Dos is much easier. Speaking as both a male and a particularly awesome one at that, I can suggest that you think in terms of an event, to reward your beau for his supportive nature. Rather than simply going with a dinner, or a card, or the lingerie (all really great ideas), I would try to make a night, or a weekend, or a day, whatever, of it all-- plan in detail an event, for just the two of you. Think of things, small things, things you can make, things you can do, things you can create. The perfect itunes playlist, the perfect dinner; the perfect mood, the perfect moment. A combination of small things can become a memory that will carry this young man much further than an isolated gift. The tangible things are beautiful, but a memory goes everywhere. Consider what would make HIM happy, and what would excite you in preparing for him, from top to bottom: mood, sounds, intimacy, attention. I love the idea of hand-made gifts and a well-prepared dinner, but with a little planning, you can combine all the best of your many lovely charms into a night he will carry in his heart for the rest of his life. Plus, you're going to have an amazing time plotting, planning, and conniving. Use your good judgement-- I'm fully confident that you'll be able to exceed even your own expectations.

Regarding your final aside: with your coloration, I've always thought green a good look for you, provided it's a rich one. The symbolism of vitality while dancing and debauching on the mighty Ohio River is potent indeed. That's just off the top of my head, though.

I hope this has been helpful for you, and remember: you can strike a balance no matter how slender the beam. This is true for every aspect of your life. If you need any further advice, you know where to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday