Medication

Dr. Sunday,

Sometimes I feel completely and utterly helpless. To rely on a single pill to manage my complete existence is both frustrating and depressing. When did this happen? When did I become such a fucking basket case? Have I always been this way? Was this an inheritance of my bipolar father? Or maybe the roots were planted during one of his abusive fits, and just continued to grow over the years. Maybe it didn't start til mom left him and I was left alone to raise my little sister when I was nine years old. I guess it's possible the alcohol and drug abuse in high school could have contributed. Or maybe it wasn't until I gave birth, becoming the sole provider responsible for another little helpless human being. A human I created. And I've since created more. I suppose having the job from hell doesn't really help matters. Or the fact that I have the stress level and responsibilites of an air traffic controller.

Whatever the case, or reason, it doesn't really matter at this point. Irreversible. Damaged goods. Mind fucked.

Today I lost it. I attempted to get off the daily anxiety medication. I ran out a few days ago, and decided since my doctor was out of town, I'd go ahead and stop for good. That didn't so much work out. The entire day today I felt as though I had smoked about 8 blunts and maybe a hit of acid, except it was not the kind of high people are going for. I fucked up royally at work, as if my brain was slowly melting, neurons firing blankly, nothing connecting to where it tried to go. Slowly but surely, I was spinning out of control, until I broke. Completely helpless. I could not stop the insane emotions jerking out of me. Tears. Anger. Sadness. Absolute loss of control.

At a new low, I had to call the pharmacy and beg for more of the medication I despise.

Am I seriously a nutjob? Will I ever get off these meds? Is it true the majority of American is in a similar situation, as my doctor suggested? Am I truly helpless and out of control of my own being?

--Helpless

Dear Helpless,

It's a sad state of affairs to find oneself feeling truly and utterly lost, or to become overwhelmed by the weight of the world around you and inside of you. The past is tricky, and has a long reach, and in the modern age, we're desperate to find cures for absolutely everything.

This of course leads to medication.

Medication is a double-edged sword. First of all, your doctor was correct in stating that there is a large portion of the American public who take medication for reasons very similar to your own-- and it's great, when it works, but oftentimes, you wind up trapped in a lifecycle where you take one medicine, then get switched to another, riding out side effects by trading sleep, healthy body weight, creativity, libido, or whatever other horrors hidden in the fine print, just on the off chance that this will be something to keep the demons at bay just a little while longer.

I won't speak to the efficacy of medication, because I can only speak from my own experiences. I've had as many friends on it who have reaped benefits as I have those who've struggled with it, taken it and quit. I've lost exactly four friends to suicide, through complications related to taking medications of that nature. I've been on medication myself, and decided it wasn't for me.

I am not a doctor. The DR in front of my name is an affectation, and a dig at twats like Dr. Phil. So please don't take my advice as anything other than what it is-- the fruits of the best of my common sense, and what wisdom I can share, as gleaned from the minds of those wiser than me, from personal experience, and my compassionate heart.

Firstly, I will say that if you want to be free of the medication, and don't fancy the idea of taking pills every night, you should talk to your doctor about that. If he wants to argue the point, hear him out-- but don't let him bully you. It is your body, your mind, your soul-- you have rights. I don't know if you're also seeing a therapist, but typically the best results from medication ALWAYS involve a course of therapy. Think of therapy as stitches, where medication is a band-aid-- and you're bleeding out pretty badly. It sounds like you're carrying quite a load of baggage, and you might find benefit in making use of some of the programs available to you.

DO NOT simply quit taking the medicine. I cannot stress this enough. You can do serious harm to yourself by going cold turkey, depending on what you're taking. It's far better to wean oneself off over time, than to simply flush them down the toilet. Medicines create dependencies, of one type or another, but you can be free of that-- you just have to work smart.

My father, himself a medical professional (and probably the most practical and intelligent person I know) once told me that there was nothing stronger than the power of the will. To an extent, I believe him, but I also know, as he does too, that there are some things the mind simply cannot address of its own. I was also told (BY A DOCTOR, NO LESS), the last time I dropped medication, that starting a daily exercise routine is oftentimes enough to sort of reset the chemical balances of the human brain, and that the physical AND psychological benefits of this cannot be overstated. Consider adding a twenty-minute, very simple regimen of aerobic exercise to your life, if you don't already-- done daily, made part of your basic routine, and see if that doesn't help.

My father also told me "stop crying and use your head." I took him at his word. I'm not in a perfect situation myself, but I find that I can be quite functional by using the best piece of advice he ever gave me: "perception is reality." He told me once that the wild mood swings, crippling anxiety, and soul destroying depression were characteristic of creative types, and that if I learned rather to LIVE with them, than to try to fight them-- to accept them as a part of who I am, and utilize them as a source of strength, that I could overcome. I didn't believe a word of that, until I realized how much I'd already overcome, and how deep my resilience ran-- i mean, what "sane" soul lives as I have had to? I'm not any better or worse than anyone else-- but I've come to take the long hard road of accepting this as merely par for the course. I ride it out, and when it gets bad, I turn to those I love for comfort and/or distraction. And when it gets REALLY bad, I seek the help of professionals, but I make my wishes clear-- that no dependencies would be a nice thing. But most importantly, I listen to it, and I hear it, the little voice inside of me, and I know how and when to recognize it, so that rather than reacting to it and winding up crying into a pillow, I can mine it for strength. Art. My music, my art, my words, pictures, ideas.

If you can't kick the devil out of your living room, you're going to have to learn to live with him-- and there are always ways to make the most of every situation.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but I hope it helps.

Be strong, and believe in yourself.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday