Firstly, thank you for your thoughts on my ice cream query. I had never thought to replace strawberry in the classic neopolitan combo with mint. Inspired. But I have another one for you: ever since this question was brought to me via my beloved Internets, I have not been able to reach a satisfactory answer. I sit up nights, weighing the options (that is a lie). I asked my friends what they thought on the Twitters some time ago, but they were as divided as I (that is a truth).
My question is, which animal is the most smug: dolphins or camels?
My favorite internet thinker seems to hate them both equally:
Camels: http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/12/camels-are-played-out.html
Dolphins: http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/11/dolphin-swagger-makes-me-sick.html
If HE cannot solve his very important debate, then what hope have I? Dolphins are pretty damn holier-than-thou in general, yet camels often seem inconvenienced to even take the effort to spit on passing travelers. Is there another animal I have yet to consider that is even more smug than these two? I am at a loss. You are my last hope, Dr. S.
- Confused on Chase
Dear Confused,
I had to spend some time, doing a fair bit of research, and consulting a wide range of experts on the topic (and by a wide range of experts, I mean asking my dad over the telephone while discussing unrelated matters). My dad’s answer (what the hell is wrong with you, son?) wasn’t completely useful, but some simple detective work provided much more useful information.
Camels are certainly smug, and they spit, which is rather nasty. They take a great deal of pride in their ability to conserve large quantities of water, and are efficient as methods of conveyance, despite their relative ugliness. Additionally, take a look at any Nativity scene– there are Camels, hanging out at the birth of Christ, having carried the Magi to bring Him some Christmas presents, thinking to themselves “history will remember us, and That Baby Over There, we’re awesome.” These facts do not escape the camel, as any google image search will reveal a very smug and self-satisfied look, although some justification for this can be assumed, if only slightly, because they do, in some respects, meet their own hype. Think of the Camel as Mother Nature’s Prius Owner.
Now, the Dolphin, on the other hand; that’s a horse of a different color. This is an animal who looks like it was designed by the hand of an artist in the early 80’s, the kind of person who wears neon tank tops and Zubaz pants, capped by wrap-around shades. We’re talking about an animal that looks as though its sole purpose in the world is to be airbrushed onto the backs of white tshirts with cheesy slogans and sunsets. This is why the Dolphin smiles– if the Camel is the Prius Owner, the Dolphin is the Cokehead Investment Banker in the Red Mustang, Blasting Whitesnake with the Top Down and Leering at Women while Cutting You off in Traffic. But it gets worse, so much worse.
You see, the Intenet, in its infinite wisdom, also tells us that the Dolphin follows that metaphor of the smug asshole just a little bit farther. There are countless reports, and I’ll just link a couple here, of Dolphins sexually assaulting humans while in the water– which oftentimes causes the victims to drown. That’s right, those smug assholes who contribute nothing to the world except for really bad ankle tattoos are serial rapists/murderers who consider themselves above the law. This is where the old saying comes from: “Never take a drink from a Dolphin, or leave your drink unattended while in the company of Dolphins.” The stories are disturbing, and these links are just the tip of the iceberg:
Shocking.
Deplorable.
EVIL.
And still they smile for the camera... smug bastards.
So, Confused, I think the answer is obvious: Camels are certainly smug, but Dolphins are more smug, and are huge assholes to boot. I hope this helps you, and stay out of the water.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
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