Forgiveness

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I have recently done a great wrong against someone who means a lot to me (infidelity). Because of this wrong, I will never be able to even talk to this person again to make it up to them. Part of what I did was the result of mistakes I have made from overreaching flaws as a person; bad habits in my personality. I feel like I owe it to this person (and to my karma) to make amends but i also want to make the kinds of changes in my personality so I can be no longer such a selfish, thoughtless and cruel person anymore. What advice could you give me on these goals, and how can I make amends to someone I can never speak to again?

--Loveless in Loveland

Dear Loveless,

It is always important to learn from one's mistakes, and to give the best that one can to improving oneself. If you have wronged someone, of course it is best that you apologize, and if amends can be made, you should make them-- not just until you feel that you have satisfied your obligation, but rather until you know that the wounds you have caused have been healed as best they can.

You know that what you did was wrong. You feel guilt. Good. You should be hurting. You should look that pain in the face, and know the depths of the sins you have committed, until you know that you will be a better person, and can look back on the wrongs of the past to find yourself with the will and the impetus to change. Ask yourself what it was that you did so wrong, and what aspects of your personality led you to this. You said you were selfish and thoughtless; become someone generous. Become someone who puts others before the self. It's not hard to make little changes in your life, and these little changes become habitual, and then habits become realities. Just as simple as all of that.

Of course, you said the bridge has been burned. How can you make it up to someone who cannot or will not speak to you, let alone listen to you? There are multiple thoughts I might suggest, and they are yours to use as you see most fit. But first, ask yourself this: what do you want from the idea of making amends? A clean conscience in yourself, or to genuinely heal a wound in someone about whom you care? Are you doing this for you, or for the wronged party?

I hope it's both. You will find that while some wrongs DO put you in the kind of place you are now, where there can be no healing, no return to the way things were, that you are too late to change things. Some decisions cannot be taken back, some actions last forever. This does not, however, mean that you need to just lie down and die.

You can't "fix" this person, this wrong, this event that happened, whose inertia still carries you forward into suffering and guilt. You can assuage the guilt by choosing to become a better person, and making active improvements-- not just saying "I'll never do THAT again" or "I'm going to be generous and NOT self-centered anymore," but rather say only things that you can support. If you want these changes to be real, you have to make them stick. Random kindnesses are good. Sharing your story with someone who needs comfort is better. When given the choice to choose between yourself and someone about whom you care-- choose the latter, and throw yourself into it with passion and fervor. You'll find it makes a lot of difference. You'll find that you're much happier a person for it. You might not be able to do a kindness to this person you've harmed, but you can repay it to the universe, for a clean bill of karma.
I'd advise against trying to contact someone who has built a wall against you, if this is the case. The best gift you can give in that circumstance is respect-- don't tear open someone else's scabs just to make your own conscience feel better. Give him or her time to heal. Maybe someday you'll meet again, and maybe not. Maybe someday they'll hear about something truly charitable that you've done, some way in which you've proven that you are NOT defined by your sins, wrongs, harm and misconduct. Only you know what shape you have to take to make this right. It's not too late to improve yourself.

One last thing I will advise-- the way to make a lesson last is to not merely forget it ever happened. You will always know what you did. You will always carry that wrong. You should never feel like, even though you've paid your debt, that it doesn't matter anymore. Even if you are the only one who remembers it, keep it in your heart, as a reminder. If you burn your hand in a fire, you're going to come away with a scar-- and you'll know not to put your hand in a fire anymore. Similarly, let this be a scar in your heart, one that maybe only you can see, but a lesson learned and a tale told.

You have, as we all do, the capacity for great kindness as well as great harm. If you can make this right, do it. If you want to change who you are, don't just SAY it-- do it. Prove it. And don't ever stop proving it. You're not a generous person if you're never giving. You're not selfless person if you're always putting yourself first. make the changes, and don't give up. You'll find that the real answer to your question is in taking the time, and taking the steps your heart tells you.

I hope this has been helpful for you. Be strong-- the desire to improve is the first step towards personal improvement.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday