Dear Dr. Sunday...
My eye is twitching. Specifically my right eye. And even more specifically the lower lid of my right eye...just about in the center of it. This has been going on for MONTHS....way too many months. One friend said to eat a banana. I"m turning into a monkey. Another friend suggested I am too stressed out. At this very moment my eye is twitching and if I was any less stressed out I would be Buddha. Hence I bring myself to your office to inquire as to what I can do to make this stop before I put a fork in it and call it done.
Thanks so much....
~Twitchy
Dear Twitchy,
An excellent question, and one I've had cause to answer numerous times in my life. Fortunately, I come from a family that is as steeped in folkloric wisdom as it is in traditional, practical methods.
According to some sources, twitching under your right eye means you are going to see something that you should pay attention to-- something will transpire within your peripheral vision, literally or figuratively, that if you aren't paying attention, you could miss out on totally. Of course, I've also heard, from less folksy sources, that the under eye twitching (which is called, by the way, myokymia, has not ever really been linked conclusively to any one specific cause. Like zits, it's been tied to stress, caffeine, bad diet, lack of sleep, too much sleep, lack of exercise, too much exercise, lack of sex, too much... well, you get the picture.
Translation: no one really knows WHY, we just have our best guesses based on evidence which may or may not be anything more than coincidence. "Well, it only happens when I'm awake, so maybe it's being conscious that does it? Damn, I guess I better sleep more." That sort of thing. Point is, it happens, you get it, lots of people do, and it's more common in females than it is in males, but only slightly. When it happens in both eyes at once, or starts to twitch an entire part of your face, that's when to seek legitimate medical attention.
Since it's only in one eye, it's not anything TOO much to worry about. The EASIEST way to deal with it is to try the practical approach. A warm washcloth, held over the offending eye, while you gently massage with small circles the lower eyelid should relieve the twitching. This often resolves it immediately, but not always-- in which case you just do it again, later in the day. Do this as often as needed-- don't be afraid to show that pesky eyelid who really wears the trousers in your face.
If it is intense enough to really drive you crazy, you can use the kinds of allergy eye drops available over the counter at pharmacies, preferably the kinds of drops which have an antihistamine component. This won't cure it in and of itself, but it can reduce the intensity of the muscle reaction, allowing you to make some headway.
Personally, I've ALWAYS had success with the warm washcloth method, and never had to do it for more than a day or two. If that fails, try the old fashioned method-- take the oldest penny you can find, face north with the offending eye closed, and rub southward down the face of the penny, as quickly as you can. When the penny gets warm, hold it against your eye, and whisper your desire (my eye to stop twitching) fifty times. I think you have to drink cow's milk and light a candle, too, but I might have my folk magicks mixed up here.
Hmm... Probably just go get a washcloth warm/wet, instead, yeah? I hope this helps you.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dungeons & Dragons
Dear Dr. Sunday,
I was wondering why you play Dungeons & Dragons? I would also like to know the back story of your character (I heard his name is Bubbles). That is all.
Love,
Your local Dungeon Master
Dear Local DM,
Yes, it is indeed true that among the many pleasures and private, personal pursuits of the good Doctor, I can often be found rolling the dice with a close-knit group of my most dear and cherished friends. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some might call such a thing a "guilty pleasure"-- but for me, if it's a pleasure, why should I feel guilty about it?
The whole point of life is enjoyment and personal growth. Well, that and other things, but that's the simplest way to explain the most basic of aspects of human nature. There's a lot to be found in this world, and among the deepest treasures in the rich galleries of life, are the gifts of the human mind and imagination. So, for the same reason that I can't seem to put down my guitar, or stay up late into the wee hours of the morning poring over pages or laptop keys, and have fingered scarred from art scalpels or pins/needles, burned by glue guns, I find my pleasures where I will-- in the realms of the mind as much as of the body.
Playing D&D with my friends is the kind of pursuit that not only makes us smile, laugh, and engage one another, but also provides that close-knit bond of family, something deeply lacking in people of our generation. These are interesting times in which we live, and we must find our own ways to reestablish that drive to family/tribal unit/village that has been taken from the modern person living in more urbanized areas. We form cliques and groups, rotating casts of characters that fade in and out united by fashion or music or love of alcohol-- and that's fine. For me, D&D is something much the same. For our little group, it is as much a pleasure pursuit as it is one more excuse for us all to come together.
Beyond that, it's a callback to the youth that our generation refuses to relinquish. We hold onto those things that keep us young and vital. Lifestyle becomes much more a motivational factor, and thus we choose the lifestyle that fits us best, accessorizing with toys and games and locations and dreams, which we wear like insignia, a complex shibboleth. We choose our faces and dialects in a way that makes sense only in the context of ourselves. This, then, D&D, is just one more way for us to pursue the elusive spectres of happiness that flit in and out of our periphery.
Plus, it's really fucking fun.
To answer the second part of your question, yes, my character's name is Bubbles.
Bubbles is a Warlord of the Tiefling race (something like the above picture), who travels with a group of adventurers who he happens to know from high school. Bubbles wasn't particularly popular in high school, because he was introverted and snide, mostly because he had a quietly cynical attitude, and believed he knew better than everyone else. Plus, a bookish type, he regularly got picked on by the "normals." In his adult years, he came more into his own, but developed a bit of a bossy attitude, which manifests itself as a sort of misguided compassion-- he tells everyone else what to do because he KNOWS he knows better, and wants to do the right thing always. Sometimes, in his minutes just before drifting off to sleep, he imagines himself in another world where he provides advice to friends and strangers, though in a much more handsome and less cynical fashion. Bubbles enjoys good food, but prefers to dine in quiet places, where the wait staff never asks "does everything taste good tonight?" while he has a mouth full of food (he abhors bad manners like that). While he may not always smile, he never hesitates to bestow kindnesses on those closest to him. He's got an amazing singing voice, too-- a rich, velvety baritone; expressive and sensual without any hint of excesses in showmanship.
And that, friends, is that. Yes, I play D&D. No, I won't apologize-- it's a great way to spend time with the people who matter most. That makes it awesome.
I hope this has helped you.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
I was wondering why you play Dungeons & Dragons? I would also like to know the back story of your character (I heard his name is Bubbles). That is all.
Love,
Your local Dungeon Master
Dear Local DM,
Yes, it is indeed true that among the many pleasures and private, personal pursuits of the good Doctor, I can often be found rolling the dice with a close-knit group of my most dear and cherished friends. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some might call such a thing a "guilty pleasure"-- but for me, if it's a pleasure, why should I feel guilty about it?
The whole point of life is enjoyment and personal growth. Well, that and other things, but that's the simplest way to explain the most basic of aspects of human nature. There's a lot to be found in this world, and among the deepest treasures in the rich galleries of life, are the gifts of the human mind and imagination. So, for the same reason that I can't seem to put down my guitar, or stay up late into the wee hours of the morning poring over pages or laptop keys, and have fingered scarred from art scalpels or pins/needles, burned by glue guns, I find my pleasures where I will-- in the realms of the mind as much as of the body.
Playing D&D with my friends is the kind of pursuit that not only makes us smile, laugh, and engage one another, but also provides that close-knit bond of family, something deeply lacking in people of our generation. These are interesting times in which we live, and we must find our own ways to reestablish that drive to family/tribal unit/village that has been taken from the modern person living in more urbanized areas. We form cliques and groups, rotating casts of characters that fade in and out united by fashion or music or love of alcohol-- and that's fine. For me, D&D is something much the same. For our little group, it is as much a pleasure pursuit as it is one more excuse for us all to come together.
Beyond that, it's a callback to the youth that our generation refuses to relinquish. We hold onto those things that keep us young and vital. Lifestyle becomes much more a motivational factor, and thus we choose the lifestyle that fits us best, accessorizing with toys and games and locations and dreams, which we wear like insignia, a complex shibboleth. We choose our faces and dialects in a way that makes sense only in the context of ourselves. This, then, D&D, is just one more way for us to pursue the elusive spectres of happiness that flit in and out of our periphery.
Plus, it's really fucking fun.
To answer the second part of your question, yes, my character's name is Bubbles.
Bubbles is a Warlord of the Tiefling race (something like the above picture), who travels with a group of adventurers who he happens to know from high school. Bubbles wasn't particularly popular in high school, because he was introverted and snide, mostly because he had a quietly cynical attitude, and believed he knew better than everyone else. Plus, a bookish type, he regularly got picked on by the "normals." In his adult years, he came more into his own, but developed a bit of a bossy attitude, which manifests itself as a sort of misguided compassion-- he tells everyone else what to do because he KNOWS he knows better, and wants to do the right thing always. Sometimes, in his minutes just before drifting off to sleep, he imagines himself in another world where he provides advice to friends and strangers, though in a much more handsome and less cynical fashion. Bubbles enjoys good food, but prefers to dine in quiet places, where the wait staff never asks "does everything taste good tonight?" while he has a mouth full of food (he abhors bad manners like that). While he may not always smile, he never hesitates to bestow kindnesses on those closest to him. He's got an amazing singing voice, too-- a rich, velvety baritone; expressive and sensual without any hint of excesses in showmanship.
And that, friends, is that. Yes, I play D&D. No, I won't apologize-- it's a great way to spend time with the people who matter most. That makes it awesome.
I hope this has helped you.
Always listening,
Dr. Sunday
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Huddled in a Corner
Dear Dr. Sunday,
I've been having an incredibly tough time of things lately. I recently
found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and today she went in to have an operation, only to discover that the cancer had spread (marginally) to her lymph nodes. My entire family has been
pulling through this in such a cavalier manner, but truthfully I just don't think that we know how to discuss it. Being the oldest, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the iron lung for my family, if you
will. However, I just found out some disturbing news of my own; not having health insurance, I have to rely on Planned Parenthood for my ladylike checkup needs. They informed me that on my last pap smear,
they found "severe dysplaysia," meaning that I could possibly have cervical cancer, or nothing at all. Doctors, right? The WORST part is that, in order to find out whether or not it definitely IS cancer,
they have to take a sample which costs $300; I can barely afford my
rent each month, and I'm supposed to pay for a $300 medical procedure?
Right. Uh huh. I haven't told my family about it, because it would only add to their worries (I guess that's the FINAL worst part).
The kicker is that I feel like my friends have, for the most part, completely drifted away from me over the last couple months. I have no one, save for my roommate and a completely close, dear girlfriend of
mine, to talk to this about. I feel like I've done something totally wrong, which would be an entirely separate 'Dear Dr. Sunday' post. I'm completely trapped, clawing at the inside of my head, with nowhere to
go. How do I talk about this to someone? Anyone? Bueller?
-Huddled in a Corner in Clifton
Dear Huddled,
There's a lot to cover here, and I'll do my absolute best to address every point. Let me start by offering you my moral and spiritual support, for you, your family, and especially your mother. Cancer is a scary prospect even in the best of times, but it's important to keep a positive attitude, because while science can't always take care of the problem, there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that a positive mindset in trying times, especially when coupled with a solid support network, such as a family being as sensitive to the needs of the survivor as possible, while remaining positive themselves.
Now, as far as the feeling that no one is really discussing the matter, or that the issue isn't being faced directly, I will say two things. Thing one, I'm playing devil's advocate: there are as many ways of facing trying times as there are people to face them. Example: I've had some deaths in my family in recent years, more than I wish-- and my father and I, in the best of times, often don't relate the best. I am one to cry when hurt, to share my feelings with my friends, and to give equal time both to confronting my emotions as to trying to be of cheer (cheering myself up, letting friends and close loved ones cheer me, or merely distracting myself to recharge my batteries, so to speak). My father, however, will talk only to my mother about his feelings, and put on the bravest face possible for everyone else, because this is how he sees himself, and how he feels it is best to meet a crisis; not just for himself, but for his family: his wife, three sons, two daughters, and four granddaughters. If this is a recent development, as you said, then perhaps the "cavalier" manner of coping that your family has thus far adopted may simply be the first phase of their response, or may simply be the best they can do-- at the moment.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to simply allow this to continue. While "sweeping things under the rug" may be a time-honored Midwest/American tradition, it's not the best way to deal, by any means. Without knowing the specific dynamic of your family, let me make you a few suggestions for opening dialogue within your family, and if nothing else, let the above statements remind you that sometimes, things are as they must be, thus you must rely upon your own reservoirs of strength, which are great.
Being an oldest child myself, I can relate to your position in your family. This gives you a unique opportunity, of course, to take advantage of being the oldest child-- here's how. Firstly, go to your mother-- MAKE her a card, not to say "get well" but just to say "Mom, I love you, thanks for being amazing." I don't know how she's facing the crisis, or if she's merely doing as the rest of your family, but if you spend a little one-on-one time with her, you can tell her that you're proud of her courage, and that you're praying for her/wishing her well/lighting candles/sacrificing goats/whatever the custom is in your family circumstance. It may seem like a simple thing, but making the gesture is going to do worlds of good for both of you. Then, perhaps you have lunch with your father, or a phone call, or go over to the house and make some dinner for everyone, as you have time. You can meet with siblings or daddy privately, to get into some depth, ask how they're holding up BUT MAKE SURE that you volunteer your OWN feelings in these exchanges, because it opens dialogue and loosens reticent lips. Those more direct approaches are great, but at the very least, making sure that you're visibly showing concern WITH support (making dinner, stopping by to visit, being kind and generous in the best way that you can) will go miles towards opening that door for your whole family, and helping your mother in her recovery.
These are easy things, certainly, and cost you very little financially OR personally-- but trust me, it'll make a difference, as long as you're consistent.
Regarding your concern with Planned Parenthood and the possibility of cancer in your own life, I can offer a few suggestions as well. Firstly, I wish you well, and hope for the best in your health-- but you need to get that test done. How can you do this? Here are my thoughts:
Thought one: Ask your father, privately, without informing the rest of your family. I know that you're concerned about bringing this up with your family, to spare them the worries, but let's be completely frank here-- your father would rather find out that two women he loves well are suffering BUT BEING TREATED, than find that while his wife has recovered, his firstborn daughter is facing the possibility of serious health complications, up to and including DEATH, because she didn't get treated in time. I don't say that to scare you-- please don't mistake me. I've lost two family members in recent years because they didn't want to face the financial implications of seeing a doctor when things STARTED getting scary. That's not an exaggeration. So ask your father for help, if you think he can help you, at least financially, but ask him to hold that in confidence. He'll be glad you trusted him enough to turn to him, and while he'll be concerned, he loves you enough to do the fatherly thing and take care of you.
Thought two: You're clearly working a job right now that doesn't pay you enough for your expenses. Granted, this is a tricky and trying job market/economy, but have you considered the possibility of going to work in an environment where insurance comes from day one? I've got several friends who work in "call center" environments, which, admittedly, aren't the most fun jobs in the world, but tend to have healthcare benefits attached from the first day, as do those of larger corporations-- especially national banks. You could, potentially, get a job by submitting an online application, begin training, and sign up for your benefits ASAP-- and use them. Even if you're only doing it as a means to an end, it's worth it, if it saves your health, or even your life.
Thought three: I don't know how Planned Parenthood works as far as billing/payment go, but if you throw yourself on the mercy of the office, you might be able to put yourself in a payment plan. Call and ask them, stating clearly your concerns-- speak to the doctor, and see what he has to say, what suggestions, if any he might have in this regard. Most doctors, despite being incomprehensible and baffling to the general public, ("it could be cervical cancer-- or nothing at all. Give me $300") are good people who get into their line of work because they want to HELP. I know lots of people who are in RIDICULOUSLY easy payment plans for medical procedures ($20 a month against a few grand, you can swing-- just eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week, and you're there). It'd be great to think this might work, but just bear it in mind and be honest about your financial circumstances. You don't have to prostrate yourself and grovel-- just ask. The worst thing that happens, you get told "I'm sorry, ma'am" and have to use one of the other options.
Were it me, I'd speak to your father first, but only you know what is best for you in that matter, or what you're willing/capable of doing. Keep your resolve strong, make your choice, and stick with it. You will not fail, I can assure you of that.
Now. Regarding your friends, let me say-- it sucks, being isolated, for whatever reason, whether as the result of something you may have done (right, wrong, or indifferent), or merely because the world moves, shit happens, and life goes on for others. It's a terrible feeling, when you can perceive that unpleasant distance between your friends and yourself. So how do you talk about it? How do you find an outlet? There are a few ideas I would have for you, and I hope one fits you well.
You say that your roommate and a close girlfriend are there for you. Perhaps those friends are ones with whom you might spend more time. Get outside your comfortable social circle and see what the world has to offer. It's easy to lean on familiar shoulders-- but ultimately, you hear the kind of advice you'd expect from people who know you as well as you know them. Sure, your roomie probably is close, and you've met his or her crew, maybe they're right and maybe not. What about asking that girlfriend to take you somewhere new, do something outside of your norms? What about other friends who might have drifted away, not as a result of any direct action you've taken, but rather as a result of the not-quite-parallel lines that human lives lead? Call someone and ask them out for coffee. Invite them to something that takes you both to something new, or takes you somewhere that you can find an opportunity to expand who you are. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. Think laterally, think creatively. If the familiar isn't as friendly, spread out. Do something new. Change the landscape, even if you can't move out of the city. You have the power to do anything you choose-- it just takes two things: one, the choice, and two, the will to pursue. Don't forget it.
Alternatively, if you can't just ask someone to listen to you, you could always deal with your concerns in an artistic fashion. Maybe you write poetry, maybe you write prose; maybe you make ninjas out of pantyhose. Only you know what is going to bleed the pressure out of your pipes, so to speak, but don't let worry or fear impede you from doing whatever you have to do to make yourself feel right again. You're a strong and articulate person-- I don't think you're as trapped as you think you are; it's really just about how you perceive your environment. Maybe you just need to stop looking at the bars of the cage, and start considering how far apart those bars really are-- and where you can slip out, or how you can get a message to the outside, so someone can come and unlock that prison.
I know this has been a rather lengthy response, but to be fair, you started it! I'm kidding. I don't mind EVER offering the best advice I can, and I hope this has helped you. And if you have any further questions for me, as you implied, don't hesitate to ask.
Dr. Sunday is always listening. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sunday
I've been having an incredibly tough time of things lately. I recently
found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and today she went in to have an operation, only to discover that the cancer had spread (marginally) to her lymph nodes. My entire family has been
pulling through this in such a cavalier manner, but truthfully I just don't think that we know how to discuss it. Being the oldest, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the iron lung for my family, if you
will. However, I just found out some disturbing news of my own; not having health insurance, I have to rely on Planned Parenthood for my ladylike checkup needs. They informed me that on my last pap smear,
they found "severe dysplaysia," meaning that I could possibly have cervical cancer, or nothing at all. Doctors, right? The WORST part is that, in order to find out whether or not it definitely IS cancer,
they have to take a sample which costs $300; I can barely afford my
rent each month, and I'm supposed to pay for a $300 medical procedure?
Right. Uh huh. I haven't told my family about it, because it would only add to their worries (I guess that's the FINAL worst part).
The kicker is that I feel like my friends have, for the most part, completely drifted away from me over the last couple months. I have no one, save for my roommate and a completely close, dear girlfriend of
mine, to talk to this about. I feel like I've done something totally wrong, which would be an entirely separate 'Dear Dr. Sunday' post. I'm completely trapped, clawing at the inside of my head, with nowhere to
go. How do I talk about this to someone? Anyone? Bueller?
-Huddled in a Corner in Clifton
Dear Huddled,
There's a lot to cover here, and I'll do my absolute best to address every point. Let me start by offering you my moral and spiritual support, for you, your family, and especially your mother. Cancer is a scary prospect even in the best of times, but it's important to keep a positive attitude, because while science can't always take care of the problem, there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that a positive mindset in trying times, especially when coupled with a solid support network, such as a family being as sensitive to the needs of the survivor as possible, while remaining positive themselves.
Now, as far as the feeling that no one is really discussing the matter, or that the issue isn't being faced directly, I will say two things. Thing one, I'm playing devil's advocate: there are as many ways of facing trying times as there are people to face them. Example: I've had some deaths in my family in recent years, more than I wish-- and my father and I, in the best of times, often don't relate the best. I am one to cry when hurt, to share my feelings with my friends, and to give equal time both to confronting my emotions as to trying to be of cheer (cheering myself up, letting friends and close loved ones cheer me, or merely distracting myself to recharge my batteries, so to speak). My father, however, will talk only to my mother about his feelings, and put on the bravest face possible for everyone else, because this is how he sees himself, and how he feels it is best to meet a crisis; not just for himself, but for his family: his wife, three sons, two daughters, and four granddaughters. If this is a recent development, as you said, then perhaps the "cavalier" manner of coping that your family has thus far adopted may simply be the first phase of their response, or may simply be the best they can do-- at the moment.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to simply allow this to continue. While "sweeping things under the rug" may be a time-honored Midwest/American tradition, it's not the best way to deal, by any means. Without knowing the specific dynamic of your family, let me make you a few suggestions for opening dialogue within your family, and if nothing else, let the above statements remind you that sometimes, things are as they must be, thus you must rely upon your own reservoirs of strength, which are great.
Being an oldest child myself, I can relate to your position in your family. This gives you a unique opportunity, of course, to take advantage of being the oldest child-- here's how. Firstly, go to your mother-- MAKE her a card, not to say "get well" but just to say "Mom, I love you, thanks for being amazing." I don't know how she's facing the crisis, or if she's merely doing as the rest of your family, but if you spend a little one-on-one time with her, you can tell her that you're proud of her courage, and that you're praying for her/wishing her well/lighting candles/sacrificing goats/whatever the custom is in your family circumstance. It may seem like a simple thing, but making the gesture is going to do worlds of good for both of you. Then, perhaps you have lunch with your father, or a phone call, or go over to the house and make some dinner for everyone, as you have time. You can meet with siblings or daddy privately, to get into some depth, ask how they're holding up BUT MAKE SURE that you volunteer your OWN feelings in these exchanges, because it opens dialogue and loosens reticent lips. Those more direct approaches are great, but at the very least, making sure that you're visibly showing concern WITH support (making dinner, stopping by to visit, being kind and generous in the best way that you can) will go miles towards opening that door for your whole family, and helping your mother in her recovery.
These are easy things, certainly, and cost you very little financially OR personally-- but trust me, it'll make a difference, as long as you're consistent.
Regarding your concern with Planned Parenthood and the possibility of cancer in your own life, I can offer a few suggestions as well. Firstly, I wish you well, and hope for the best in your health-- but you need to get that test done. How can you do this? Here are my thoughts:
Thought one: Ask your father, privately, without informing the rest of your family. I know that you're concerned about bringing this up with your family, to spare them the worries, but let's be completely frank here-- your father would rather find out that two women he loves well are suffering BUT BEING TREATED, than find that while his wife has recovered, his firstborn daughter is facing the possibility of serious health complications, up to and including DEATH, because she didn't get treated in time. I don't say that to scare you-- please don't mistake me. I've lost two family members in recent years because they didn't want to face the financial implications of seeing a doctor when things STARTED getting scary. That's not an exaggeration. So ask your father for help, if you think he can help you, at least financially, but ask him to hold that in confidence. He'll be glad you trusted him enough to turn to him, and while he'll be concerned, he loves you enough to do the fatherly thing and take care of you.
Thought two: You're clearly working a job right now that doesn't pay you enough for your expenses. Granted, this is a tricky and trying job market/economy, but have you considered the possibility of going to work in an environment where insurance comes from day one? I've got several friends who work in "call center" environments, which, admittedly, aren't the most fun jobs in the world, but tend to have healthcare benefits attached from the first day, as do those of larger corporations-- especially national banks. You could, potentially, get a job by submitting an online application, begin training, and sign up for your benefits ASAP-- and use them. Even if you're only doing it as a means to an end, it's worth it, if it saves your health, or even your life.
Thought three: I don't know how Planned Parenthood works as far as billing/payment go, but if you throw yourself on the mercy of the office, you might be able to put yourself in a payment plan. Call and ask them, stating clearly your concerns-- speak to the doctor, and see what he has to say, what suggestions, if any he might have in this regard. Most doctors, despite being incomprehensible and baffling to the general public, ("it could be cervical cancer-- or nothing at all. Give me $300") are good people who get into their line of work because they want to HELP. I know lots of people who are in RIDICULOUSLY easy payment plans for medical procedures ($20 a month against a few grand, you can swing-- just eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week, and you're there). It'd be great to think this might work, but just bear it in mind and be honest about your financial circumstances. You don't have to prostrate yourself and grovel-- just ask. The worst thing that happens, you get told "I'm sorry, ma'am" and have to use one of the other options.
Were it me, I'd speak to your father first, but only you know what is best for you in that matter, or what you're willing/capable of doing. Keep your resolve strong, make your choice, and stick with it. You will not fail, I can assure you of that.
Now. Regarding your friends, let me say-- it sucks, being isolated, for whatever reason, whether as the result of something you may have done (right, wrong, or indifferent), or merely because the world moves, shit happens, and life goes on for others. It's a terrible feeling, when you can perceive that unpleasant distance between your friends and yourself. So how do you talk about it? How do you find an outlet? There are a few ideas I would have for you, and I hope one fits you well.
You say that your roommate and a close girlfriend are there for you. Perhaps those friends are ones with whom you might spend more time. Get outside your comfortable social circle and see what the world has to offer. It's easy to lean on familiar shoulders-- but ultimately, you hear the kind of advice you'd expect from people who know you as well as you know them. Sure, your roomie probably is close, and you've met his or her crew, maybe they're right and maybe not. What about asking that girlfriend to take you somewhere new, do something outside of your norms? What about other friends who might have drifted away, not as a result of any direct action you've taken, but rather as a result of the not-quite-parallel lines that human lives lead? Call someone and ask them out for coffee. Invite them to something that takes you both to something new, or takes you somewhere that you can find an opportunity to expand who you are. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. Think laterally, think creatively. If the familiar isn't as friendly, spread out. Do something new. Change the landscape, even if you can't move out of the city. You have the power to do anything you choose-- it just takes two things: one, the choice, and two, the will to pursue. Don't forget it.
Alternatively, if you can't just ask someone to listen to you, you could always deal with your concerns in an artistic fashion. Maybe you write poetry, maybe you write prose; maybe you make ninjas out of pantyhose. Only you know what is going to bleed the pressure out of your pipes, so to speak, but don't let worry or fear impede you from doing whatever you have to do to make yourself feel right again. You're a strong and articulate person-- I don't think you're as trapped as you think you are; it's really just about how you perceive your environment. Maybe you just need to stop looking at the bars of the cage, and start considering how far apart those bars really are-- and where you can slip out, or how you can get a message to the outside, so someone can come and unlock that prison.
I know this has been a rather lengthy response, but to be fair, you started it! I'm kidding. I don't mind EVER offering the best advice I can, and I hope this has helped you. And if you have any further questions for me, as you implied, don't hesitate to ask.
Dr. Sunday is always listening. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sunday
Friday, August 14, 2009
Squirrel Problem
Dear Dr. Sunday,
How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?
Thanks,
Squirrely
Dear Squirrely,
I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.
Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.
But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.
My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.
Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.
Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.
I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.
I hope that this helps.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?
Thanks,
Squirrely
Dear Squirrely,
I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.
Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.
But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.
My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.
Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.
Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.
I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.
I hope that this helps.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
To love and be loved
Dr. Sunday,
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Monday, August 10, 2009
Three doozies.
Dr. Sunday,
is it better to be good at a lot of things, or great at just one thing?
is it better to make things happen, or to let things happen?
what happens when we die?
-Inquisitive in Illinois
Dear Inquisitive,
All excellent questions, and I appreciate the multi-level challenge.
Regarding Question 1: "is it better to be good at a lot of things, great at just one thing?" That depends on your perspective, but also on how willing you are to apply yourself to life. I'm "good" at a number of things, a "jack of all trades," if you will-- but that's mostly because I rely on natural ability rather than proper training or discipline. For example-- I'm a visual artist, but I never had the patience to learn techniques beyond what I gave myself, so I'm decent and can rely on quirkiness to make people smile, but I can throw a rock at my AIM buddy list and hit the screen names of at least three people I love and know personally, who would make me look like a paraplegic infant with a crayon.
By the same token, I'm a guitarist, but I've never taken a proper lesson (on that instrument, anyway). I rely on my willingness to experiment, and I get compliments for being "innovative" at the instrument, but in many, more technical respects, I'm about as big a joke as you can tell without needing to change your briefs. Could I get better at these things? Sure. Would I be willing to try harder? Only when my passion drives me that direction.
There are a lot of people in the world who walked face-first into their magic gift/talent/etc. These are people who knew their deepest passion, and followed it. Some of them work hard to achieve, and some achieve seemingly without effort-- but it's not about what it "costs," it's about what that says. You always have to follow your heart. I'd trade at least one pinky toe, possibly both, to achieve the elegant, lyrical virtuosity on the guitar of say, Slash (of Guns N Roses fame), but at this point in my life, I don't know that I'm willing (at least not right now, when my new music has little to do with that sort of thing) to take the kinds of training that would require, assuming I can ever get these fingers of mine to move so astutely.
The point is-- and you'll forgive me, I hope, for answering your question with a question, but what do YOU think? Therein lies your answer. Do know what you'd love to do most? Is there something in your life to which you would be willing to devote yourself? Bear in mind, many disciplines are related, and one skill-set by nature/aptitude may lead you to others you had not considered. The world is wide open for the mind willing to question itself.
Question 2: Is it better to make things happen, or let things happen?
EXCELLENT question. I think it depends on the circumstance. While normally, I can say that I believe in taking the reins of your own fate, and choosing the things you desire, I can just as easily point out that statements like THAT one are an oversimplification. I could say, tonight, "I need a new job, something, anything, more money to be the rad person I know myself to be." Now, I could just wait for Fate to kiss me in my sleep, and find that someone I know has a nice new gig out there for me, or I could take steps proactively to choose the career I desire.
Still, let's use that example to go further-- what if I realized that my best bet to get the job I wanted was to go through a very specific friend, someone I don't know that well, perhaps? So I ask this person, but I don't want to ask too often or press too hard, because I don't want to alienate them. Now, I send my suggestion, a phone call, an email, what have you-- and then I wait, because it's the best thing to do. I could make a move, but I risk losing the ground I've gained, and perhaps closing the door for good. Or, I can play it cool, be a pal, and just let it happen as it happens, while hoping for the best. It's a dodgy balance.
The same rules work in romance, if you think about it, and in many other pieces of life. Sometimes, "to let things happen" IS "to make things happen." My advice here, then, is to keep your eyes open and your mind sharp-- have the motive power to act when you must, but have the maturity and wisdom to simply abide, or "let things happen," when the course requires it. Just know yourself, and know your world. You won't fail.
And to your last question: what happens when we die?
Well, according to the tea leaves I just finished reading, and the auguries provided by my cat purring while the candleflame dances in the breeze from my window, there are a few possibilities.
The tea leaves state that there is an afterlife, but it is based on your own beliefs. The universe is a blank canvas, on the other side, so as you believe, so shall you be.
[Reliable and delphic, my cat ponders...]
The cat's purring states that if a soul has a quantifiable existence, then it must endure, and while science has yet to reach the point where it can make a claim on the matter, the fact of existence serves as proof in its own right.
The candleflame says you either turn to dust, go to Heaven or Hell, or we all wind up on the Big Rock Candy Mountain, whatever that means.
Still, it was a very good question. Since I've only died like twice, I usually miss the floor show while I try to find a table near the stage. I can tell you that the drinks are good, but the shrimp is hit-or-miss.
I hope this has helped you. If you have any further questions, you know where to reach me.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
is it better to be good at a lot of things, or great at just one thing?
is it better to make things happen, or to let things happen?
what happens when we die?
-Inquisitive in Illinois
Dear Inquisitive,
All excellent questions, and I appreciate the multi-level challenge.
Regarding Question 1: "is it better to be good at a lot of things, great at just one thing?" That depends on your perspective, but also on how willing you are to apply yourself to life. I'm "good" at a number of things, a "jack of all trades," if you will-- but that's mostly because I rely on natural ability rather than proper training or discipline. For example-- I'm a visual artist, but I never had the patience to learn techniques beyond what I gave myself, so I'm decent and can rely on quirkiness to make people smile, but I can throw a rock at my AIM buddy list and hit the screen names of at least three people I love and know personally, who would make me look like a paraplegic infant with a crayon.
By the same token, I'm a guitarist, but I've never taken a proper lesson (on that instrument, anyway). I rely on my willingness to experiment, and I get compliments for being "innovative" at the instrument, but in many, more technical respects, I'm about as big a joke as you can tell without needing to change your briefs. Could I get better at these things? Sure. Would I be willing to try harder? Only when my passion drives me that direction.
There are a lot of people in the world who walked face-first into their magic gift/talent/etc. These are people who knew their deepest passion, and followed it. Some of them work hard to achieve, and some achieve seemingly without effort-- but it's not about what it "costs," it's about what that says. You always have to follow your heart. I'd trade at least one pinky toe, possibly both, to achieve the elegant, lyrical virtuosity on the guitar of say, Slash (of Guns N Roses fame), but at this point in my life, I don't know that I'm willing (at least not right now, when my new music has little to do with that sort of thing) to take the kinds of training that would require, assuming I can ever get these fingers of mine to move so astutely.
The point is-- and you'll forgive me, I hope, for answering your question with a question, but what do YOU think? Therein lies your answer. Do know what you'd love to do most? Is there something in your life to which you would be willing to devote yourself? Bear in mind, many disciplines are related, and one skill-set by nature/aptitude may lead you to others you had not considered. The world is wide open for the mind willing to question itself.
Question 2: Is it better to make things happen, or let things happen?
EXCELLENT question. I think it depends on the circumstance. While normally, I can say that I believe in taking the reins of your own fate, and choosing the things you desire, I can just as easily point out that statements like THAT one are an oversimplification. I could say, tonight, "I need a new job, something, anything, more money to be the rad person I know myself to be." Now, I could just wait for Fate to kiss me in my sleep, and find that someone I know has a nice new gig out there for me, or I could take steps proactively to choose the career I desire.
Still, let's use that example to go further-- what if I realized that my best bet to get the job I wanted was to go through a very specific friend, someone I don't know that well, perhaps? So I ask this person, but I don't want to ask too often or press too hard, because I don't want to alienate them. Now, I send my suggestion, a phone call, an email, what have you-- and then I wait, because it's the best thing to do. I could make a move, but I risk losing the ground I've gained, and perhaps closing the door for good. Or, I can play it cool, be a pal, and just let it happen as it happens, while hoping for the best. It's a dodgy balance.
The same rules work in romance, if you think about it, and in many other pieces of life. Sometimes, "to let things happen" IS "to make things happen." My advice here, then, is to keep your eyes open and your mind sharp-- have the motive power to act when you must, but have the maturity and wisdom to simply abide, or "let things happen," when the course requires it. Just know yourself, and know your world. You won't fail.
And to your last question: what happens when we die?
Well, according to the tea leaves I just finished reading, and the auguries provided by my cat purring while the candleflame dances in the breeze from my window, there are a few possibilities.
The tea leaves state that there is an afterlife, but it is based on your own beliefs. The universe is a blank canvas, on the other side, so as you believe, so shall you be.
The cat's purring states that if a soul has a quantifiable existence, then it must endure, and while science has yet to reach the point where it can make a claim on the matter, the fact of existence serves as proof in its own right.
The candleflame says you either turn to dust, go to Heaven or Hell, or we all wind up on the Big Rock Candy Mountain, whatever that means.
Still, it was a very good question. Since I've only died like twice, I usually miss the floor show while I try to find a table near the stage. I can tell you that the drinks are good, but the shrimp is hit-or-miss.
I hope this has helped you. If you have any further questions, you know where to reach me.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Monday, August 3, 2009
BC13, my take on the great debate of our time.
Dear Dr. Sunday,
I don't know how old you are, but I presume you're similarly-aged to a friend of mine, whose age-inappropriate superfandom of the band Brokencyde both amuses and perplexes me. From what he's described/coaxed me into hearing, they are a screamo crunk band from New Mexico (also known as BC13) that is popular with the kids these days. I have attached a photo for reference.
Also: http://www.myspace.com/brokencyde
The media HATES THIS BAND. Like, EPICALLY. Which obviously only makes their fans love them more; their latest opus is named "I'm Not A Fan, But The Kids Like It", and what do teenagers love more than an solid in-joke? I get that. My own personal opinion is that they are fine, not my thing as they seem to already know, certainly not worthy of hatred and occasionally provide me with genuine amusement. They sing about getting wasted and being players in a not particularly offensive way. You will have to try harder than that to offend me, Brokencyde.
Anyway so what with you being a man of the world and all, I was curious to hear your take on all this, both on the phenomenon that is Brokencyde, and why my friend (whom I should probably mention is also smart, employed and doesn't live with his parents) might be so taken with them.
- Blasé about BC13
Dear Blasé,
As a worldly man of 31 years who enjoys reaping from the vast Sargasso that is the modern internet, it is simple enough to state that among the detritus dredged from those dark depths, I have encountered the inexplicable Brokencyde phenomenon.
I will go ahead and admit that my reactions to this band span a spectrum from "upturning of the nose in derision" to "vicious, spiteful commentary more for the fun of crafting innovative insults than to ACTUALLY denote an active and consuming hatred." On a visceral level, what we have in BC13 is a group of young men, creating music as boring, tacky, and uninspired as their fashion sense. These are kind of people who would draw the eye just long enough to evoke usage of the term "douchebag," even were they spotted in the kind of environment where dressing like the worst bits of the 1980's just vomited neon colored slushies all over an American Apparel catalog in a men's room at the mall is considered tolerable.
I was exposed initially to the group via that bizarre side effect of social networking; the "dude, check this out WTFLOL" sharing that comes as a necessary result of access to such a broad range of fast and free information. I was relieved, initially, upon receiving the link to their video ("Freaxxx," here provided for your perusal, should you desire), only in that I was not being sent any sort of diarrhea porn, animal porn, amputee porn, or porn in general; but I failed to even make it through the video. I hated it. I hated the song, I hated the music. I hated the group before the one skunk-haired tool screamed his first, or the other skunk-haired tool started spouting the auto-tune vocals. As I've stated elsewhere I'm very sensitive to aesthetics, especially in the context of band names and other sorts of identity-based marketing. So, having provided a link to the context of the statement, let me relate that a group spelling their name "Brokencyde" and offering a song called "Freaxxx" makes my skin crawl, even before I decide to give them a chance. Add to that, then, an MTV-friendly combination of mallrat children co-opting tired "big money" hip-hop cliches, somehow made "fresh" by the addition of judiciously flagellating the deceased equine of emocore/screamo in one big ball of novelty candy, sharted from the bum of pop culture boredom.
Now, here's the key point, after I've exercised my love of vitriol: I stopped caring. I don't think about them, until someone mentions them, in which case I take delight in voicing my distaste. The truth is, I find them guilty of only one unpardonable sin: the joke isn't funny. It's one thing to go through such troubles to create a novelty act, market it, foster an internet presence, all that, but if the joke isn't funny, the whole thing is just sad. The teenage version of me wants to rail here, and start spouting about how this is insulting to "real" music/musicians, and that this music fails to act as a cultural catalyst for a true philosophical change, and that I'm going to go smoke a cigarette behind my parents' shed with the Velvet Underground on my walkman-- but the teenage version of me also wore flares, and took himself far, far too seriously.
I believe that the ease with which the media finds hate for BC13 is a clever aspect of their marketing. I believe that they knew fully well when sitting in the studio that their laugh riot would incite vehement, virulent and vicious disgust among the internet world-- a world known for its excesses in spewing hatred. Of course, unless I give them too much credit for savvy, this would also then indicate the polarizing power of such hatred basically guaranteeing them a stronger loyalty in their fanbase, exactly as you stated in your question.
So, why, then would a man in my age group, such as your friend, have any reason to enjoy, let alone even voluntarily listen to Brokencyde? I can only think of a few possibilities. Perhaps your friend respects their (as he sees it) clever marketing and use of the internet to generate "buzz," and sees them as Machiavellian figures, forward-thinking geniuses manipulating the internet and culture to their advantage through innovative planning. Or could it be, perhaps, that he is merely facing some sort of early-onset midlife crisis, where by attempting to identify with the trappings of youth (through music marketed to children), he believes he can achieve some sort of second adolescence, thereby reclaiming the vitality he feels he has lost as the years begin to take their toll?
Or maybe, just maybe, you simply have a friend who has inexplicably bad taste in music, where this one group is concerned.
Regardless, I hope these thoughts have been enlightening and useful for you. My perspective, such as it is, is merely opinion, except for when I say I'm right. And I'm ALWAYS right [citation needed].
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I don't know how old you are, but I presume you're similarly-aged to a friend of mine, whose age-inappropriate superfandom of the band Brokencyde both amuses and perplexes me. From what he's described/coaxed me into hearing, they are a screamo crunk band from New Mexico (also known as BC13) that is popular with the kids these days. I have attached a photo for reference.
Also: http://www.myspace.com/brokencyde
The media HATES THIS BAND. Like, EPICALLY. Which obviously only makes their fans love them more; their latest opus is named "I'm Not A Fan, But The Kids Like It", and what do teenagers love more than an solid in-joke? I get that. My own personal opinion is that they are fine, not my thing as they seem to already know, certainly not worthy of hatred and occasionally provide me with genuine amusement. They sing about getting wasted and being players in a not particularly offensive way. You will have to try harder than that to offend me, Brokencyde.
Anyway so what with you being a man of the world and all, I was curious to hear your take on all this, both on the phenomenon that is Brokencyde, and why my friend (whom I should probably mention is also smart, employed and doesn't live with his parents) might be so taken with them.
- Blasé about BC13
Dear Blasé,
As a worldly man of 31 years who enjoys reaping from the vast Sargasso that is the modern internet, it is simple enough to state that among the detritus dredged from those dark depths, I have encountered the inexplicable Brokencyde phenomenon.
I will go ahead and admit that my reactions to this band span a spectrum from "upturning of the nose in derision" to "vicious, spiteful commentary more for the fun of crafting innovative insults than to ACTUALLY denote an active and consuming hatred." On a visceral level, what we have in BC13 is a group of young men, creating music as boring, tacky, and uninspired as their fashion sense. These are kind of people who would draw the eye just long enough to evoke usage of the term "douchebag," even were they spotted in the kind of environment where dressing like the worst bits of the 1980's just vomited neon colored slushies all over an American Apparel catalog in a men's room at the mall is considered tolerable.
I was exposed initially to the group via that bizarre side effect of social networking; the "dude, check this out WTFLOL" sharing that comes as a necessary result of access to such a broad range of fast and free information. I was relieved, initially, upon receiving the link to their video ("Freaxxx," here provided for your perusal, should you desire), only in that I was not being sent any sort of diarrhea porn, animal porn, amputee porn, or porn in general; but I failed to even make it through the video. I hated it. I hated the song, I hated the music. I hated the group before the one skunk-haired tool screamed his first, or the other skunk-haired tool started spouting the auto-tune vocals. As I've stated elsewhere I'm very sensitive to aesthetics, especially in the context of band names and other sorts of identity-based marketing. So, having provided a link to the context of the statement, let me relate that a group spelling their name "Brokencyde" and offering a song called "Freaxxx" makes my skin crawl, even before I decide to give them a chance. Add to that, then, an MTV-friendly combination of mallrat children co-opting tired "big money" hip-hop cliches, somehow made "fresh" by the addition of judiciously flagellating the deceased equine of emocore/screamo in one big ball of novelty candy, sharted from the bum of pop culture boredom.
Now, here's the key point, after I've exercised my love of vitriol: I stopped caring. I don't think about them, until someone mentions them, in which case I take delight in voicing my distaste. The truth is, I find them guilty of only one unpardonable sin: the joke isn't funny. It's one thing to go through such troubles to create a novelty act, market it, foster an internet presence, all that, but if the joke isn't funny, the whole thing is just sad. The teenage version of me wants to rail here, and start spouting about how this is insulting to "real" music/musicians, and that this music fails to act as a cultural catalyst for a true philosophical change, and that I'm going to go smoke a cigarette behind my parents' shed with the Velvet Underground on my walkman-- but the teenage version of me also wore flares, and took himself far, far too seriously.
I believe that the ease with which the media finds hate for BC13 is a clever aspect of their marketing. I believe that they knew fully well when sitting in the studio that their laugh riot would incite vehement, virulent and vicious disgust among the internet world-- a world known for its excesses in spewing hatred. Of course, unless I give them too much credit for savvy, this would also then indicate the polarizing power of such hatred basically guaranteeing them a stronger loyalty in their fanbase, exactly as you stated in your question.
So, why, then would a man in my age group, such as your friend, have any reason to enjoy, let alone even voluntarily listen to Brokencyde? I can only think of a few possibilities. Perhaps your friend respects their (as he sees it) clever marketing and use of the internet to generate "buzz," and sees them as Machiavellian figures, forward-thinking geniuses manipulating the internet and culture to their advantage through innovative planning. Or could it be, perhaps, that he is merely facing some sort of early-onset midlife crisis, where by attempting to identify with the trappings of youth (through music marketed to children), he believes he can achieve some sort of second adolescence, thereby reclaiming the vitality he feels he has lost as the years begin to take their toll?
Or maybe, just maybe, you simply have a friend who has inexplicably bad taste in music, where this one group is concerned.
Regardless, I hope these thoughts have been enlightening and useful for you. My perspective, such as it is, is merely opinion, except for when I say I'm right. And I'm ALWAYS right [citation needed].
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
OMG shoes.
Dr. Sunday,
Simple one for you, I'm looking into a new pair of shoes; something classy yet able to be beaten on. I was first thinking those semi-boot shoes, well I think of them as such. Always shied away from them really. So I think more like a high top dress shoe. What is you thought on stylish shoes for men?
Fuddled over Fashion
Dear Fuddled,
This is indeed an easy question. Speaking strictly from a personal standpoint, my tastes in footwear for men are as much based on functional utility as they are on style. The ideal footwear in a man's closet should be as follows: Something casual, for daily wear, particularly outside of the office, but something that can be utilized in a multitude of circumstances (in my case, a pair of Diesel trainers, or my low-top Converse). Something "worn-in" or "get-dirty" appropriate is also key, typically something you've retired from daily, public use (I have a pair of Vans prison-issue velcro shoes, for running outside really quick; an elderly pair of Chucks, for when I know I'll get muddy/dirty/grass-stained/etc; and a beaten to hell and back pair of Vans low-top skate shoes, for when I know I'm going to get splattered in paint or things of that nature). A pair of boots is vital, as is something dressy-- of course, the clever and dapper young man can combine these two pieces in any number of ways to the greatest possible effect.
To give you an idea, and bear in mind, I receive absolutely no compensation for any products I mention by name, I own one pair of dress shoes. They are basic black loafers, of a brand I can't even name. I am pretty sure I inherited them from my dad when I had to go a dance in high school, or when someone died. I never wear them, because they are old man shoes-- and not in that fun and quirky vintage "old man" style, they're merely outmoded and pointless. When I need to have my feet dressier, I take the opportunity to make myself presentable while still maintaining my personal style.
I own two pairs of boots, which serve, variously, in the offices of dress footwear as well. They are stylish and functional, simple and utilitarian, yet they state by context that I am no mere office lackey or pencil-pushing d-bag. Pair of boots number one, of course, is my precious and well-loved Dr Martens. They're black, steel-toed, and rise well enough above the ankle that I could wear them without fear that I will be mistaken for the kind of person who voluntarily owns a hackey-sack, but also not so high that I might be mistaken for the kind of person who has questionable piercings in even more dubious locations on my body. They are simple, which is key, yet I keep them well-polished enough to wear under even basic slacks to the office, while still being able to wear them on the streets, under jeans, while presumably spoiling for some sort of fisticuffs, I don't know. They're perfect, and moreso, they came to me as a gift from my lady love, so I feel even better about wearing them.
The second pair of boots, I also utilize, even more regularly than the Docs, as dress footwear. These are a pair of basic black "engineer boots." No laces, just a chrome buckle off to the side. I've removed the brand tags so long ago that the name eludes me, but I've owned these boots for over a decade. They, too, are steel-toed, which I find useful on a number of levels, and typically earn me compliments as they are an unexpected yet flattering addition even to my more professional wardrobe. Of course, I've also regularly worn them onstage, as wicked and imposing accessories to my already sometimes sinister aspect. Frye makes a decent version of these in a more fashion-oriented context, though I acquired mine literally from a store specializing in work-footwear. They rise to just below midcalf, and absolutely kick ass.
While I don't suggest you copy my suggestions directly, I will state that the important message here is not to necessarily purchase as I have purchased, but rather to consider multi-functional utility, and to always remember, in building personal style, regardless of your venue, that true STYLE, whether for a man or woman, comes from making it YOUR OWN, rather than following some idea of what is fashionable or trendy. It's not about fitting in with your culture, subculture, or the magazines you read-- it's about being yourself, no matter what, and making sure the essence of who you are is represented in everything that you do, and indeed even to the shoes on your feet.
I hope this helps. Best of luck shopping.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
Simple one for you, I'm looking into a new pair of shoes; something classy yet able to be beaten on. I was first thinking those semi-boot shoes, well I think of them as such. Always shied away from them really. So I think more like a high top dress shoe. What is you thought on stylish shoes for men?
Fuddled over Fashion
Dear Fuddled,
This is indeed an easy question. Speaking strictly from a personal standpoint, my tastes in footwear for men are as much based on functional utility as they are on style. The ideal footwear in a man's closet should be as follows: Something casual, for daily wear, particularly outside of the office, but something that can be utilized in a multitude of circumstances (in my case, a pair of Diesel trainers, or my low-top Converse). Something "worn-in" or "get-dirty" appropriate is also key, typically something you've retired from daily, public use (I have a pair of Vans prison-issue velcro shoes, for running outside really quick; an elderly pair of Chucks, for when I know I'll get muddy/dirty/grass-stained/etc; and a beaten to hell and back pair of Vans low-top skate shoes, for when I know I'm going to get splattered in paint or things of that nature). A pair of boots is vital, as is something dressy-- of course, the clever and dapper young man can combine these two pieces in any number of ways to the greatest possible effect.
To give you an idea, and bear in mind, I receive absolutely no compensation for any products I mention by name, I own one pair of dress shoes. They are basic black loafers, of a brand I can't even name. I am pretty sure I inherited them from my dad when I had to go a dance in high school, or when someone died. I never wear them, because they are old man shoes-- and not in that fun and quirky vintage "old man" style, they're merely outmoded and pointless. When I need to have my feet dressier, I take the opportunity to make myself presentable while still maintaining my personal style.
I own two pairs of boots, which serve, variously, in the offices of dress footwear as well. They are stylish and functional, simple and utilitarian, yet they state by context that I am no mere office lackey or pencil-pushing d-bag. Pair of boots number one, of course, is my precious and well-loved Dr Martens. They're black, steel-toed, and rise well enough above the ankle that I could wear them without fear that I will be mistaken for the kind of person who voluntarily owns a hackey-sack, but also not so high that I might be mistaken for the kind of person who has questionable piercings in even more dubious locations on my body. They are simple, which is key, yet I keep them well-polished enough to wear under even basic slacks to the office, while still being able to wear them on the streets, under jeans, while presumably spoiling for some sort of fisticuffs, I don't know. They're perfect, and moreso, they came to me as a gift from my lady love, so I feel even better about wearing them.
The second pair of boots, I also utilize, even more regularly than the Docs, as dress footwear. These are a pair of basic black "engineer boots." No laces, just a chrome buckle off to the side. I've removed the brand tags so long ago that the name eludes me, but I've owned these boots for over a decade. They, too, are steel-toed, which I find useful on a number of levels, and typically earn me compliments as they are an unexpected yet flattering addition even to my more professional wardrobe. Of course, I've also regularly worn them onstage, as wicked and imposing accessories to my already sometimes sinister aspect. Frye makes a decent version of these in a more fashion-oriented context, though I acquired mine literally from a store specializing in work-footwear. They rise to just below midcalf, and absolutely kick ass.
While I don't suggest you copy my suggestions directly, I will state that the important message here is not to necessarily purchase as I have purchased, but rather to consider multi-functional utility, and to always remember, in building personal style, regardless of your venue, that true STYLE, whether for a man or woman, comes from making it YOUR OWN, rather than following some idea of what is fashionable or trendy. It's not about fitting in with your culture, subculture, or the magazines you read-- it's about being yourself, no matter what, and making sure the essence of who you are is represented in everything that you do, and indeed even to the shoes on your feet.
I hope this helps. Best of luck shopping.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
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