Squirrel Problem

Dear Dr. Sunday,

How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?

Thanks,
Squirrely


Dear Squirrely,

I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.

Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.

But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.

My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.

Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.

Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.

I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.

I hope that this helps.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday