Dear Dr. Sunday,
I've been having an incredibly tough time of things lately. I recently
found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and today she went in to have an operation, only to discover that the cancer had spread (marginally) to her lymph nodes. My entire family has been
pulling through this in such a cavalier manner, but truthfully I just don't think that we know how to discuss it. Being the oldest, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the iron lung for my family, if you
will. However, I just found out some disturbing news of my own; not having health insurance, I have to rely on Planned Parenthood for my ladylike checkup needs. They informed me that on my last pap smear,
they found "severe dysplaysia," meaning that I could possibly have cervical cancer, or nothing at all. Doctors, right? The WORST part is that, in order to find out whether or not it definitely IS cancer,
they have to take a sample which costs $300; I can barely afford my
rent each month, and I'm supposed to pay for a $300 medical procedure?
Right. Uh huh. I haven't told my family about it, because it would only add to their worries (I guess that's the FINAL worst part).
The kicker is that I feel like my friends have, for the most part, completely drifted away from me over the last couple months. I have no one, save for my roommate and a completely close, dear girlfriend of
mine, to talk to this about. I feel like I've done something totally wrong, which would be an entirely separate 'Dear Dr. Sunday' post. I'm completely trapped, clawing at the inside of my head, with nowhere to
go. How do I talk about this to someone? Anyone? Bueller?
-Huddled in a Corner in Clifton
Dear Huddled,
There's a lot to cover here, and I'll do my absolute best to address every point. Let me start by offering you my moral and spiritual support, for you, your family, and especially your mother. Cancer is a scary prospect even in the best of times, but it's important to keep a positive attitude, because while science can't always take care of the problem, there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that a positive mindset in trying times, especially when coupled with a solid support network, such as a family being as sensitive to the needs of the survivor as possible, while remaining positive themselves.
Now, as far as the feeling that no one is really discussing the matter, or that the issue isn't being faced directly, I will say two things. Thing one, I'm playing devil's advocate: there are as many ways of facing trying times as there are people to face them. Example: I've had some deaths in my family in recent years, more than I wish-- and my father and I, in the best of times, often don't relate the best. I am one to cry when hurt, to share my feelings with my friends, and to give equal time both to confronting my emotions as to trying to be of cheer (cheering myself up, letting friends and close loved ones cheer me, or merely distracting myself to recharge my batteries, so to speak). My father, however, will talk only to my mother about his feelings, and put on the bravest face possible for everyone else, because this is how he sees himself, and how he feels it is best to meet a crisis; not just for himself, but for his family: his wife, three sons, two daughters, and four granddaughters. If this is a recent development, as you said, then perhaps the "cavalier" manner of coping that your family has thus far adopted may simply be the first phase of their response, or may simply be the best they can do-- at the moment.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to simply allow this to continue. While "sweeping things under the rug" may be a time-honored Midwest/American tradition, it's not the best way to deal, by any means. Without knowing the specific dynamic of your family, let me make you a few suggestions for opening dialogue within your family, and if nothing else, let the above statements remind you that sometimes, things are as they must be, thus you must rely upon your own reservoirs of strength, which are great.
Being an oldest child myself, I can relate to your position in your family. This gives you a unique opportunity, of course, to take advantage of being the oldest child-- here's how. Firstly, go to your mother-- MAKE her a card, not to say "get well" but just to say "Mom, I love you, thanks for being amazing." I don't know how she's facing the crisis, or if she's merely doing as the rest of your family, but if you spend a little one-on-one time with her, you can tell her that you're proud of her courage, and that you're praying for her/wishing her well/lighting candles/sacrificing goats/whatever the custom is in your family circumstance. It may seem like a simple thing, but making the gesture is going to do worlds of good for both of you. Then, perhaps you have lunch with your father, or a phone call, or go over to the house and make some dinner for everyone, as you have time. You can meet with siblings or daddy privately, to get into some depth, ask how they're holding up BUT MAKE SURE that you volunteer your OWN feelings in these exchanges, because it opens dialogue and loosens reticent lips. Those more direct approaches are great, but at the very least, making sure that you're visibly showing concern WITH support (making dinner, stopping by to visit, being kind and generous in the best way that you can) will go miles towards opening that door for your whole family, and helping your mother in her recovery.
These are easy things, certainly, and cost you very little financially OR personally-- but trust me, it'll make a difference, as long as you're consistent.
Regarding your concern with Planned Parenthood and the possibility of cancer in your own life, I can offer a few suggestions as well. Firstly, I wish you well, and hope for the best in your health-- but you need to get that test done. How can you do this? Here are my thoughts:
Thought one: Ask your father, privately, without informing the rest of your family. I know that you're concerned about bringing this up with your family, to spare them the worries, but let's be completely frank here-- your father would rather find out that two women he loves well are suffering BUT BEING TREATED, than find that while his wife has recovered, his firstborn daughter is facing the possibility of serious health complications, up to and including DEATH, because she didn't get treated in time. I don't say that to scare you-- please don't mistake me. I've lost two family members in recent years because they didn't want to face the financial implications of seeing a doctor when things STARTED getting scary. That's not an exaggeration. So ask your father for help, if you think he can help you, at least financially, but ask him to hold that in confidence. He'll be glad you trusted him enough to turn to him, and while he'll be concerned, he loves you enough to do the fatherly thing and take care of you.
Thought two: You're clearly working a job right now that doesn't pay you enough for your expenses. Granted, this is a tricky and trying job market/economy, but have you considered the possibility of going to work in an environment where insurance comes from day one? I've got several friends who work in "call center" environments, which, admittedly, aren't the most fun jobs in the world, but tend to have healthcare benefits attached from the first day, as do those of larger corporations-- especially national banks. You could, potentially, get a job by submitting an online application, begin training, and sign up for your benefits ASAP-- and use them. Even if you're only doing it as a means to an end, it's worth it, if it saves your health, or even your life.
Thought three: I don't know how Planned Parenthood works as far as billing/payment go, but if you throw yourself on the mercy of the office, you might be able to put yourself in a payment plan. Call and ask them, stating clearly your concerns-- speak to the doctor, and see what he has to say, what suggestions, if any he might have in this regard. Most doctors, despite being incomprehensible and baffling to the general public, ("it could be cervical cancer-- or nothing at all. Give me $300") are good people who get into their line of work because they want to HELP. I know lots of people who are in RIDICULOUSLY easy payment plans for medical procedures ($20 a month against a few grand, you can swing-- just eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week, and you're there). It'd be great to think this might work, but just bear it in mind and be honest about your financial circumstances. You don't have to prostrate yourself and grovel-- just ask. The worst thing that happens, you get told "I'm sorry, ma'am" and have to use one of the other options.
Were it me, I'd speak to your father first, but only you know what is best for you in that matter, or what you're willing/capable of doing. Keep your resolve strong, make your choice, and stick with it. You will not fail, I can assure you of that.
Now. Regarding your friends, let me say-- it sucks, being isolated, for whatever reason, whether as the result of something you may have done (right, wrong, or indifferent), or merely because the world moves, shit happens, and life goes on for others. It's a terrible feeling, when you can perceive that unpleasant distance between your friends and yourself. So how do you talk about it? How do you find an outlet? There are a few ideas I would have for you, and I hope one fits you well.
You say that your roommate and a close girlfriend are there for you. Perhaps those friends are ones with whom you might spend more time. Get outside your comfortable social circle and see what the world has to offer. It's easy to lean on familiar shoulders-- but ultimately, you hear the kind of advice you'd expect from people who know you as well as you know them. Sure, your roomie probably is close, and you've met his or her crew, maybe they're right and maybe not. What about asking that girlfriend to take you somewhere new, do something outside of your norms? What about other friends who might have drifted away, not as a result of any direct action you've taken, but rather as a result of the not-quite-parallel lines that human lives lead? Call someone and ask them out for coffee. Invite them to something that takes you both to something new, or takes you somewhere that you can find an opportunity to expand who you are. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. Think laterally, think creatively. If the familiar isn't as friendly, spread out. Do something new. Change the landscape, even if you can't move out of the city. You have the power to do anything you choose-- it just takes two things: one, the choice, and two, the will to pursue. Don't forget it.
Alternatively, if you can't just ask someone to listen to you, you could always deal with your concerns in an artistic fashion. Maybe you write poetry, maybe you write prose; maybe you make ninjas out of pantyhose. Only you know what is going to bleed the pressure out of your pipes, so to speak, but don't let worry or fear impede you from doing whatever you have to do to make yourself feel right again. You're a strong and articulate person-- I don't think you're as trapped as you think you are; it's really just about how you perceive your environment. Maybe you just need to stop looking at the bars of the cage, and start considering how far apart those bars really are-- and where you can slip out, or how you can get a message to the outside, so someone can come and unlock that prison.
I know this has been a rather lengthy response, but to be fair, you started it! I'm kidding. I don't mind EVER offering the best advice I can, and I hope this has helped you. And if you have any further questions for me, as you implied, don't hesitate to ask.
Dr. Sunday is always listening. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sunday
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Squirrel Problem
Dear Dr. Sunday,
How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?
Thanks,
Squirrely
Dear Squirrely,
I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.
Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.
But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.
My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.
Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.
Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.
I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.
I hope that this helps.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?
Thanks,
Squirrely
Dear Squirrely,
I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.
Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.
But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.
My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.
Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.
Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.
I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.
I hope that this helps.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
To love and be loved
Dr. Sunday,
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.
Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.
The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.
I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?
- Antsy In My Pantsies
Dear Antsy,
The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.
That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.
You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.
To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"
Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.
Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.
Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.
It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.
Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.
While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.
The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.
Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday
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