Contents of the Gentleman's Purse

Hey Doc,
So my girlfriend got me a little messenger bag for Christmas. She thinks I'm too messy with my stuff and wants me to get all organized and shit. I'm a little uncomfortable carrying a dude purse, but the word on the street is that you totally carry one so i'm thinking its probably not too bad right?
So Doctor Sunday, tell me! Should I carry a dude purse? What does a gentleman carry in his purse? and why?
--Fashion Shy in the NKY

Dear Fashion Shy,

The man-purse is an essential accessory. I actually have a few, for various reasons (size, travel, need-- all of these are factors), but my main bag is a thing of beauty. It is sleek, stylish, and contains many useful items which support and enhance the quality of my life on a regular basis. With my bag close at hand, I am prepared for any number of situations, always ready to assist, amuse, occupy, entertain, create, clean, or do business, as needed.

This is my bag. It's basic black, because that, quite frankly, is how The Doctor chooses to roll, as the kids might say. It's durable, and it's just the right size. Finding a good bag is important, but since you did not make the purchase yourself, let us just assume that your girlfriend knows better than you do how to shop for a bag. So, for the readers who may be considering such a purchase-- nothing at all wrong with asking your best girl for her two cents on the matter. I asked mine, and feel quite good about the outcome (see above).

So, then, what does a gentleman carry in his purse? And why? The contents themselves should explain the reasons. I can only speak for myself, but I carry the following items in my bag at all times: pocket knife, sewing kit, multi-tool, lighter, book of matches, an assortment of pens and highlighters, notebook, sketchpad, small journal, cologne, aftershave lotion, hand sanitizer, ibuprofen, some band-aids, antacids, caffeine pills, and a paperback novel.

The tools should speak for themselves-- a pocket knife and multi-tool, lighter and matches, and sewing kit are all basic essentials to prepare any man on the go for a wide range of needs (and seriously, if you're a guy who can't use a sewing kit, then you need to rethink your worth, because that is a crucial skill for anyone). The pens, highlighters, and various notebooks are creative essentials as well as highly practical things, as are the first aid products. Cologne and aftershave, again, these go without saying--smell good, it's important. The novel is for those moments when I have time to kill, usually while waiting on someone or something.

At times, I augment these needs. Often, I spend time on the road, in which case I might include my ipod (with headphones or speakers), my Nintendo DS (with an assortment of games), or various things I might need for overnight (basic toiletries), or for the weather, such as a hat or a pair of gloves.

It's also fair to mention that bizarre sundries may also make their way into my bag. I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding the strange appearance of some sealing wax (which I needed at the time) and a small package of sculpting clay (which I did not need, but was delighted to locate).

And of course, my makeup, because I'm handsome and sometimes refining the sexy a little bit can make all the difference. Appearance is important--substance AND style, kids, remember that.

See? All of these things are useful, necessary and vital-- and given thought, you can easily ascertain what might be best suited for your bag. Sure, some might ridicule, but you won't care-- you'll have ibuprofen for the headache, your ipod to distract you with music, and something to read, at the very least.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

After the relationship.

Dearest Dr. Sunday,

I recently ended a long term relationship and there has been something weighing heavily on me. It is not a second guess of whether I did the "right thing", but why I am not hurt, nor confused about the situation.

This is someone I had spent every day with. Had held and whispered "I love you" to. Who was my best friend. The person I could spend every day with laughing, partying or just laying around in bed with. And in a series of days, all of this turned to dust and was quickly blown away by the wind. As I'm sure everyone else can relate to breakups, you would think I would be in tears and hurt. Instead, I shed a few tears and moved on immediately, never looking back. Fuck, I'm already dating someone else and it does not feel strange. It does not feel forced, nor too soon to be investing emotions into the girl I am seeing. Strange, right?

Not only this, but I am currently guessing that she is already interested and/or dating someone else as well. After finding this out, I sat back in bed and thought of her with someone else. Instead of pain or heartache filling me, it surprisingly made smile that she too is moving on and that she is happy. WTF, right?

I've never experienced anything like this before in all of my past relationships. This is why I am confused...

And here come the questions for you, Dr. Sunday:

Where was my grieving?
Where were the flooding tears and hurt?
Why am I completely okay dating someone else?
Why am I okay with her dating someone else?
Why do I feel so numb about this whole situation?
Was she really just a best friend who had a title of "girlfriend"?
Did I only love her as a best friend the entire time and that's why this is so easy?

What the fuck is going on here, Dr. Sunday? Because of what I have learned from past relationships and breakups, I don't feel human. I'm not depressed or upset about anything I have mentioned. Everything feels right. And that is the most interesting part to me.

I really need you to check my mechanical brain. It might have short-circuited... or maybe all systems are running perfectly (I side with the latter). Either way, I would like you to take a look inside.

love,
a robot

Dear Robot,

Is it really so strange to think that a decision you made seems, at least in the immediate present following the decision, to be without painful repercussion? That you could decide upon a thing, act upon it, and feel good about what you have done? I warn you, Robot, that in examining the circuits and gears of your robot brain, I may offer you more questions than answers-- but I believe that I can at least guide your programming to better self-diagnosis. Bear in mind, my pretend-internet doctorate is in Bombast, Assholery, and Knowitalletry, not robotics-- but I will do my best.

On the surface level, of course one might expect, in the ending of a relationship, to find tears on one side or other of the equation. Of course, this question comes from your side, so yours is the side that I can address. You followed your story with a series of questions, all which point towards common answers-- you want to know if there is something wrong with you, or something you might have missed in the definition of your prior relationship state, that would explain why now you feel happy for the current case of affairs (your new adventure, and the other party's new adventure). You say that you have never experienced this sort of thing in the ending of a relationship-- and you wonder what that means, as well.

So, where is your grief? You have stated that you "shed a few tears, and moved on immediately, never looking back." Let me suggest a few possibilities here. Firstly, were those few tears enough for you? Or did the act of moving on anesthetize you, at least in the short term, against further tears? Do you think that your quick forward step into a new relationship means something here? Perhaps moving forward made it easier for you not to grieve (at least for right now). Or perhaps the fact that you were willing to move on so immediately means that your level of commitment to the lost relationship was not as you believed it to be. Perhaps the time you spent together meant something different to each of you.

Is it possible that the recent events have happened so close together that you haven't had time to explore in full the things you may feel later on? It is hard to say. Every heart is different, every situation, every love-- only you know what you are truly feeling, and how honest you are allowing yourself to be regarding your heart. Is this self-defense? Is this a calm before the storm? Is this the peace that comes with doing what you believe in your heart to be right for you? The answer to your dilemma lies somewhere between these points, and in your place I would spend time reflecting thereupon.

You wondered whether or not your previous relationship was, in whole or in part, not as you imagined, at least from your side. Did your heart change? Would you have noticed? Were you preparing an exit strategy, with eyes towards a future of your own during the relationship at any point? Further, do you think that the kind of time spent together perhaps led you towards familiarity rather than romance? It is hard to say. A good relationship, at least in my opinion (which is what matters here, as this is MY blog), consists of a combination of deep friendship and deep passion. Maybe somewhere along the way, at least in YOUR heart, the line between friendship and passion was crossed and blurred until it was hard to see for you-- and the constant time spent together made it hard for you to really see that something had changed. You can't see the movie if you're sitting in the front row, you know?

Perhaps this would explain why you would be happy for her when the time comes for her to move on with her life. Maybe in the course of all of this you realized that the care you hold in your heart for this lady is such that you wish her happiness. Sometimes relationships end in bitter circumstances-- so without knowing the exact shape your ending there took, I cannot say whether the spite and bitterness that sometimes appears therein has fallen. I would imagine that while you have acted such, taking steps towards your own future and away from her, that you are at least decent enough to feel bad for any pain you might have caused-- it would only follow, logically, then, that you would wish her well. Only you know how you really feel there, and only time will tell just what the outcome of your choices may be.

Of course, sometimes, Robot, "everything feels right" because it is. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do-- maybe not hard for you, but hard for someone else. Sometimes, you make choices that won't be popular or easy, and that may cause pain to people who do not deserve to be hurt--but ultimately, time will tell. Maybe you're getting off easy at the moment-- but if you did what you believe is right, and believed it enough to be willing to take this kind of step, even if it hurt someone else, then you did what you had to do. Maybe the lady's hurting-- maybe she's in the same boat as you, relieved in some respects, ready for a new adventure, or just taking some time to reflect. It isn't your worry anymore, regardless of the case--you gave up the right to that worry when you ended things.

So, Robot, is something wrong with you? Or is everything as it should be, now? I advise, rather than worrying about why you are not worrying at all, that you focus on functioning as well as you can, leading your life, doing no harm and keeping those gears oiled and turning. A chapter in your life is past, and a new one begins-- do not let your memory chips get cluttered. Save that which is good and beautiful, or what is wise and instructive. Learn, live, and grow. You have time to find your own answers, as we all do in our own adventures.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

How to Sleep, or What to Do if You Can't

Dear Dr. Sunday:

I am SO TIRED. I don't ever sleep enough, and the reason is twofold. One: I stay up late nearly every day. Two: I have to get up and go to work at a grown-up hour about five times a week.

Since quitting my job in order to sleep in is a terrible idea, I am asking for your thoughts on point #1. The reasons that I stay up vary: I might be watching a movie, working on a project, out with friends, talking to fascinating persons via IM, even idle internet surfing finds the clock passing 1am on a regular basis. Sometimes I stay up because I have a peculiar, unexplained aversion to falling asleep at that time. I got Ambien from my doctor, but I'm scared to take it and would prefer non-drug alternatives.

So what do I do? I read half of The Promise of Sleep so I know about sleep debt and REM cycles and circadian rhythms and all that, but I didn't quite get to the bit where it says what to do if you CAN'T, and since I could not bring myself to finish that book (unusual for me, which speaks to the book's annoyingness) I come to you for help.

- Sweet (Day)dreams

I love a challenge. Let me just say that for the record, as if my friends and readers were not already aware. I really, really, really love a challenge.

This is one of the hardest questions to answer. How do you get to sleep? How do you deal with a little insomnia? How do you get out of a routine of bad habits and late nights, and trade that in for a nice set of healthy sleep patterns? Tricky.

It's a new year. It's a great time to get right. So. Where do we begin?

I'm about to get detailed, so pay attention, friends!

Obviously, you've heard that alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, late meals/snacking, and all those sorts of wonderful diversions can impede your body's ability to enter standby mode at the appropriate times. So take it as given, then, that we have decided not to drink, snack, smoke, etc, in the later hours of the evening. We decide, instead, to start organizing basic factors in our lives, like meals and plans and projects. We make lists, and we stick to them. We plan carefully and we focus on sticking with our plans. We recognize that we may not always, for social, health, work reasons, whatever, be able to stick to these plans, but we do our best.

Now. Key among these steps, then, is setting a time to sleep. We pick a bedtime. We pick that and make it a target. We think on a practical level. Once you have chosen your time to sleep, cut off your activity one hour before the target. Shut off the computer. Turn off the lights in the workspace. Kill the television, bid your online pals "good night," and go lay down. Give yourself an hour to unwind with more limited activity.

"But Dr. Sunday, I'm not sleepy!" I know you're not. The above were just the practical and planning steps. Here's the good bit.

First off, choose the day that you will make this happen. You have written out your list, you have plotted and planned. You know what you want to do, and you have resolved to do it right. Now, you just need to teach your body to comply.

Let's say you have chosen Sunday (because it is the best day, and not just because they named it after me). Sunday is the day that you will go to bed at a reasonable time. You will wake up Monday ready for action, refreshed, bright, chipper, all that jazz.

Wake up early Sunday morning. I'm talking 7, 8 am. You're going to have breakfast. Not brunch-- breakfast. It doesn't matter what you did Saturday night. At all. In fact, it's better if you keep a healthy social schedule Saturday night. You want to wake up bleary and tired. You'll need that later.

Wake up, make breakfast. Exercise. You're going to start incorporating some exercise into your daily routine, and unless we're talking yoga, you're not saving it until late night. You're doing it in the mornings, when you're off, or when you get home from work, through the week (and if you're really good, try to do it in the mornings through the week, too, eventually). But this Sunday, this special chosen effective Sunday, you are going to do it before lunch. You are going to have a productive day that does not involve a nap. You are going to eat normal meals, and because you stayed up late Saturday, and forced yourself to wake up early Sunday, you will be tired come bedtime.

You are NOT, however, going to decide that it's a great night to doze off at nine or ten. No, you are going to do your best to make it something more reasonable. In your shoes, I'd target midnight. That means, distractions get shut off at eleven. You're going to reflect, unwind, for an hour. Personally, I like to read, or scribble in my little pocket journal/sketchbook/ideabook. It's relaxing, and I don't get too involved in too much (when I can help it, that is, as I'm easily distracted). This is how you are now going to spend your last hour of waking, from now on.

Monday morning, you wake up early. You don't sleep to the last minute, so that all you have time to do is shower, dress, and snag a bagel on your way out the door. You make breakfast, and you want to get to the place where you can breakfast, exercise, and shower in the mornings. Every morning, where possible. You're also going to do your best to dodge the common panacea that is coffee. If you like the taste, you're drinking decaf. If you're smart enough to realize that there's really no point in decaf, you'll have a juice, or a water. You're living healthy now, and this is your new world. Don't grumble, don't complain, don't cheat-- just do it.

Monday night falls, and you are not going to busy yourself or stay up late. You are going to be tired, but you will be better for it. You will stick to the same targeted bedtime as last night. You will stick to this routine for an entire week, and you will follow it again the next week, trying perhaps even to scale it back to 30-60 minutes earlier, if you can. You are a productive person who sleeps in a healthy fashion, so you don't feel like you have to fall into the traps of viewing the weekend as "OMG GOTS TA SLEEP IN." You are not a kid. You can do this, because you choose it.

This, my friend, will get you on the right path. Between these little changes and actually getting to sleep, you will see all sorts of surprising benefits.

And I bet you're wondering what to do if this doesn't work. Well, firstly, unless you have a more serious condition requiring the attention of a doctor who is NOT just some jackass on the internet who hands out advice with a cat sleeping in his lap, it will work. If you need more tips, here are some simple recommendations that my exhaustive research has brought forth:

--Warm milk (gross, i know, but there is science there)
--Meditation
--Deep breathing exercises (you have google, figure it out)
--Exercise early in the day
--Soft music, instrumental preferably
--Yoga
--Masturbation
--Listening to an audiobook in the dark
--The sound of a fan, the ocean, the forest, or white noise (depending on tastes)

There's science behind all of the above, so I recommend whatever seems most relaxing to you. Failing that, I can say in all sincerity that I've never seen the end of Disney's Fantasia. I greatly enjoy classical music, and I like the IDEA of Fantasia, but seriously, it sends me into a coma.

I hope this helps you. Sweet dreams!


Always listening,
Dr. Sunday