Ask Dr. Sunday

Contents of the Gentleman's Purse

2010-01-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

Hey Doc,
So my girlfriend got me a little messenger bag for Christmas. She thinks I'm too messy with my stuff and wants me to get all organized and shit. I'm a little uncomfortable carrying a dude purse, but the word on the street is that you totally carry one so i'm thinking its probably not too bad right?
So Doctor Sunday, tell me! Should I carry a dude purse? What does a gentleman carry in his purse? and why?
--Fashion Shy in the NKY

Dear Fashion Shy,

The man-purse is an essential accessory. I actually have a few, for various reasons (size, travel, need-- all of these are factors), but my main bag is a thing of beauty. It is sleek, stylish, and contains many useful items which support and enhance the quality of my life on a regular basis. With my bag close at hand, I am prepared for any number of situations, always ready to assist, amuse, occupy, entertain, create, clean, or do business, as needed.

This is my bag. It's basic black, because that, quite frankly, is how The Doctor chooses to roll, as the kids might say. It's durable, and it's just the right size. Finding a good bag is important, but since you did not make the purchase yourself, let us just assume that your girlfriend knows better than you do how to shop for a bag. So, for the readers who may be considering such a purchase-- nothing at all wrong with asking your best girl for her two cents on the matter. I asked mine, and feel quite good about the outcome (see above).

So, then, what does a gentleman carry in his purse? And why? The contents themselves should explain the reasons. I can only speak for myself, but I carry the following items in my bag at all times: pocket knife, sewing kit, multi-tool, lighter, book of matches, an assortment of pens and highlighters, notebook, sketchpad, small journal, cologne, aftershave lotion, hand sanitizer, ibuprofen, some band-aids, antacids, caffeine pills, and a paperback novel.

The tools should speak for themselves-- a pocket knife and multi-tool, lighter and matches, and sewing kit are all basic essentials to prepare any man on the go for a wide range of needs (and seriously, if you're a guy who can't use a sewing kit, then you need to rethink your worth, because that is a crucial skill for anyone). The pens, highlighters, and various notebooks are creative essentials as well as highly practical things, as are the first aid products. Cologne and aftershave, again, these go without saying--smell good, it's important. The novel is for those moments when I have time to kill, usually while waiting on someone or something.

At times, I augment these needs. Often, I spend time on the road, in which case I might include my ipod (with headphones or speakers), my Nintendo DS (with an assortment of games), or various things I might need for overnight (basic toiletries), or for the weather, such as a hat or a pair of gloves.

It's also fair to mention that bizarre sundries may also make their way into my bag. I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding the strange appearance of some sealing wax (which I needed at the time) and a small package of sculpting clay (which I did not need, but was delighted to locate).

And of course, my makeup, because I'm handsome and sometimes refining the sexy a little bit can make all the difference. Appearance is important--substance AND style, kids, remember that.

See? All of these things are useful, necessary and vital-- and given thought, you can easily ascertain what might be best suited for your bag. Sure, some might ridicule, but you won't care-- you'll have ibuprofen for the headache, your ipod to distract you with music, and something to read, at the very least.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

After the relationship.

2010-01-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

Dearest Dr. Sunday,

I recently ended a long term relationship and there has been something weighing heavily on me. It is not a second guess of whether I did the "right thing", but why I am not hurt, nor confused about the situation.

This is someone I had spent every day with. Had held and whispered "I love you" to. Who was my best friend. The person I could spend every day with laughing, partying or just laying around in bed with. And in a series of days, all of this turned to dust and was quickly blown away by the wind. As I'm sure everyone else can relate to breakups, you would think I would be in tears and hurt. Instead, I shed a few tears and moved on immediately, never looking back. Fuck, I'm already dating someone else and it does not feel strange. It does not feel forced, nor too soon to be investing emotions into the girl I am seeing. Strange, right?

Not only this, but I am currently guessing that she is already interested and/or dating someone else as well. After finding this out, I sat back in bed and thought of her with someone else. Instead of pain or heartache filling me, it surprisingly made smile that she too is moving on and that she is happy. WTF, right?

I've never experienced anything like this before in all of my past relationships. This is why I am confused...

And here come the questions for you, Dr. Sunday:

Where was my grieving?
Where were the flooding tears and hurt?
Why am I completely okay dating someone else?
Why am I okay with her dating someone else?
Why do I feel so numb about this whole situation?
Was she really just a best friend who had a title of "girlfriend"?
Did I only love her as a best friend the entire time and that's why this is so easy?

What the fuck is going on here, Dr. Sunday? Because of what I have learned from past relationships and breakups, I don't feel human. I'm not depressed or upset about anything I have mentioned. Everything feels right. And that is the most interesting part to me.

I really need you to check my mechanical brain. It might have short-circuited... or maybe all systems are running perfectly (I side with the latter). Either way, I would like you to take a look inside.

love,
a robot

Dear Robot,

Is it really so strange to think that a decision you made seems, at least in the immediate present following the decision, to be without painful repercussion? That you could decide upon a thing, act upon it, and feel good about what you have done? I warn you, Robot, that in examining the circuits and gears of your robot brain, I may offer you more questions than answers-- but I believe that I can at least guide your programming to better self-diagnosis. Bear in mind, my pretend-internet doctorate is in Bombast, Assholery, and Knowitalletry, not robotics-- but I will do my best.

On the surface level, of course one might expect, in the ending of a relationship, to find tears on one side or other of the equation. Of course, this question comes from your side, so yours is the side that I can address. You followed your story with a series of questions, all which point towards common answers-- you want to know if there is something wrong with you, or something you might have missed in the definition of your prior relationship state, that would explain why now you feel happy for the current case of affairs (your new adventure, and the other party's new adventure). You say that you have never experienced this sort of thing in the ending of a relationship-- and you wonder what that means, as well.

So, where is your grief? You have stated that you "shed a few tears, and moved on immediately, never looking back." Let me suggest a few possibilities here. Firstly, were those few tears enough for you? Or did the act of moving on anesthetize you, at least in the short term, against further tears? Do you think that your quick forward step into a new relationship means something here? Perhaps moving forward made it easier for you not to grieve (at least for right now). Or perhaps the fact that you were willing to move on so immediately means that your level of commitment to the lost relationship was not as you believed it to be. Perhaps the time you spent together meant something different to each of you.

Is it possible that the recent events have happened so close together that you haven't had time to explore in full the things you may feel later on? It is hard to say. Every heart is different, every situation, every love-- only you know what you are truly feeling, and how honest you are allowing yourself to be regarding your heart. Is this self-defense? Is this a calm before the storm? Is this the peace that comes with doing what you believe in your heart to be right for you? The answer to your dilemma lies somewhere between these points, and in your place I would spend time reflecting thereupon.

You wondered whether or not your previous relationship was, in whole or in part, not as you imagined, at least from your side. Did your heart change? Would you have noticed? Were you preparing an exit strategy, with eyes towards a future of your own during the relationship at any point? Further, do you think that the kind of time spent together perhaps led you towards familiarity rather than romance? It is hard to say. A good relationship, at least in my opinion (which is what matters here, as this is MY blog), consists of a combination of deep friendship and deep passion. Maybe somewhere along the way, at least in YOUR heart, the line between friendship and passion was crossed and blurred until it was hard to see for you-- and the constant time spent together made it hard for you to really see that something had changed. You can't see the movie if you're sitting in the front row, you know?

Perhaps this would explain why you would be happy for her when the time comes for her to move on with her life. Maybe in the course of all of this you realized that the care you hold in your heart for this lady is such that you wish her happiness. Sometimes relationships end in bitter circumstances-- so without knowing the exact shape your ending there took, I cannot say whether the spite and bitterness that sometimes appears therein has fallen. I would imagine that while you have acted such, taking steps towards your own future and away from her, that you are at least decent enough to feel bad for any pain you might have caused-- it would only follow, logically, then, that you would wish her well. Only you know how you really feel there, and only time will tell just what the outcome of your choices may be.

Of course, sometimes, Robot, "everything feels right" because it is. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do-- maybe not hard for you, but hard for someone else. Sometimes, you make choices that won't be popular or easy, and that may cause pain to people who do not deserve to be hurt--but ultimately, time will tell. Maybe you're getting off easy at the moment-- but if you did what you believe is right, and believed it enough to be willing to take this kind of step, even if it hurt someone else, then you did what you had to do. Maybe the lady's hurting-- maybe she's in the same boat as you, relieved in some respects, ready for a new adventure, or just taking some time to reflect. It isn't your worry anymore, regardless of the case--you gave up the right to that worry when you ended things.

So, Robot, is something wrong with you? Or is everything as it should be, now? I advise, rather than worrying about why you are not worrying at all, that you focus on functioning as well as you can, leading your life, doing no harm and keeping those gears oiled and turning. A chapter in your life is past, and a new one begins-- do not let your memory chips get cluttered. Save that which is good and beautiful, or what is wise and instructive. Learn, live, and grow. You have time to find your own answers, as we all do in our own adventures.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further advice, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

How to Sleep, or What to Do if You Can't

2010-01-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Sunday:

I am SO TIRED. I don't ever sleep enough, and the reason is twofold. One: I stay up late nearly every day. Two: I have to get up and go to work at a grown-up hour about five times a week.

Since quitting my job in order to sleep in is a terrible idea, I am asking for your thoughts on point #1. The reasons that I stay up vary: I might be watching a movie, working on a project, out with friends, talking to fascinating persons via IM, even idle internet surfing finds the clock passing 1am on a regular basis. Sometimes I stay up because I have a peculiar, unexplained aversion to falling asleep at that time. I got Ambien from my doctor, but I'm scared to take it and would prefer non-drug alternatives.

So what do I do? I read half of The Promise of Sleep so I know about sleep debt and REM cycles and circadian rhythms and all that, but I didn't quite get to the bit where it says what to do if you CAN'T, and since I could not bring myself to finish that book (unusual for me, which speaks to the book's annoyingness) I come to you for help.

- Sweet (Day)dreams

I love a challenge. Let me just say that for the record, as if my friends and readers were not already aware. I really, really, really love a challenge.

This is one of the hardest questions to answer. How do you get to sleep? How do you deal with a little insomnia? How do you get out of a routine of bad habits and late nights, and trade that in for a nice set of healthy sleep patterns? Tricky.

It's a new year. It's a great time to get right. So. Where do we begin?

I'm about to get detailed, so pay attention, friends!

Obviously, you've heard that alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, late meals/snacking, and all those sorts of wonderful diversions can impede your body's ability to enter standby mode at the appropriate times. So take it as given, then, that we have decided not to drink, snack, smoke, etc, in the later hours of the evening. We decide, instead, to start organizing basic factors in our lives, like meals and plans and projects. We make lists, and we stick to them. We plan carefully and we focus on sticking with our plans. We recognize that we may not always, for social, health, work reasons, whatever, be able to stick to these plans, but we do our best.

Now. Key among these steps, then, is setting a time to sleep. We pick a bedtime. We pick that and make it a target. We think on a practical level. Once you have chosen your time to sleep, cut off your activity one hour before the target. Shut off the computer. Turn off the lights in the workspace. Kill the television, bid your online pals "good night," and go lay down. Give yourself an hour to unwind with more limited activity.

"But Dr. Sunday, I'm not sleepy!" I know you're not. The above were just the practical and planning steps. Here's the good bit.

First off, choose the day that you will make this happen. You have written out your list, you have plotted and planned. You know what you want to do, and you have resolved to do it right. Now, you just need to teach your body to comply.

Let's say you have chosen Sunday (because it is the best day, and not just because they named it after me). Sunday is the day that you will go to bed at a reasonable time. You will wake up Monday ready for action, refreshed, bright, chipper, all that jazz.

Wake up early Sunday morning. I'm talking 7, 8 am. You're going to have breakfast. Not brunch-- breakfast. It doesn't matter what you did Saturday night. At all. In fact, it's better if you keep a healthy social schedule Saturday night. You want to wake up bleary and tired. You'll need that later.

Wake up, make breakfast. Exercise. You're going to start incorporating some exercise into your daily routine, and unless we're talking yoga, you're not saving it until late night. You're doing it in the mornings, when you're off, or when you get home from work, through the week (and if you're really good, try to do it in the mornings through the week, too, eventually). But this Sunday, this special chosen effective Sunday, you are going to do it before lunch. You are going to have a productive day that does not involve a nap. You are going to eat normal meals, and because you stayed up late Saturday, and forced yourself to wake up early Sunday, you will be tired come bedtime.

You are NOT, however, going to decide that it's a great night to doze off at nine or ten. No, you are going to do your best to make it something more reasonable. In your shoes, I'd target midnight. That means, distractions get shut off at eleven. You're going to reflect, unwind, for an hour. Personally, I like to read, or scribble in my little pocket journal/sketchbook/ideabook. It's relaxing, and I don't get too involved in too much (when I can help it, that is, as I'm easily distracted). This is how you are now going to spend your last hour of waking, from now on.

Monday morning, you wake up early. You don't sleep to the last minute, so that all you have time to do is shower, dress, and snag a bagel on your way out the door. You make breakfast, and you want to get to the place where you can breakfast, exercise, and shower in the mornings. Every morning, where possible. You're also going to do your best to dodge the common panacea that is coffee. If you like the taste, you're drinking decaf. If you're smart enough to realize that there's really no point in decaf, you'll have a juice, or a water. You're living healthy now, and this is your new world. Don't grumble, don't complain, don't cheat-- just do it.

Monday night falls, and you are not going to busy yourself or stay up late. You are going to be tired, but you will be better for it. You will stick to the same targeted bedtime as last night. You will stick to this routine for an entire week, and you will follow it again the next week, trying perhaps even to scale it back to 30-60 minutes earlier, if you can. You are a productive person who sleeps in a healthy fashion, so you don't feel like you have to fall into the traps of viewing the weekend as "OMG GOTS TA SLEEP IN." You are not a kid. You can do this, because you choose it.

This, my friend, will get you on the right path. Between these little changes and actually getting to sleep, you will see all sorts of surprising benefits.

And I bet you're wondering what to do if this doesn't work. Well, firstly, unless you have a more serious condition requiring the attention of a doctor who is NOT just some jackass on the internet who hands out advice with a cat sleeping in his lap, it will work. If you need more tips, here are some simple recommendations that my exhaustive research has brought forth:

--Warm milk (gross, i know, but there is science there)
--Meditation
--Deep breathing exercises (you have google, figure it out)
--Exercise early in the day
--Soft music, instrumental preferably
--Yoga
--Masturbation
--Listening to an audiobook in the dark
--The sound of a fan, the ocean, the forest, or white noise (depending on tastes)

There's science behind all of the above, so I recommend whatever seems most relaxing to you. Failing that, I can say in all sincerity that I've never seen the end of Disney's Fantasia. I greatly enjoy classical music, and I like the IDEA of Fantasia, but seriously, it sends me into a coma.

I hope this helps you. Sweet dreams!

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Positivity

2010-01-05T18:56:00.001-08:00

Dr. Sunday--

I have a question. How do we make the whole world posi?

--Awesome in Ohio

Great question, and a great first post of the New Year. (For those of you keeping score at home, I've taken a little time off, as my health and other concerns have been in the forefront)

So. You want to know how we can make the whole world "posi." For the kids who aren't quite hip enough to know the usage, or those of you who lack the ability to figure out what we're talking about here, I'll nutshell it for you. We're talking about a positive outlook on life, positivity. Being upbeat and having a world view that encompasses a bit more than waking up vomiting and crying, hating your way through the day to day routine of your job, school, whatever, and then going home to mope into the wee hours of the morning; lather, rinse, repeat, etc etc ad nauseum, forever and ever amen.

I'm going to level with you, Awesome. I don't think it's possible to make the whole WORLD posi as such, because not everyone is wired for that kind of thinking. HOWEVER, this does not make the goal any less admirable or worth pursuit.

There's an old saying my father uses whenever discussing any sort of major undertaking. "How do you eat an elephant?" The response is, of course, "one bite at a time." It's kind of a corny saying, but there's wisdom there. I could have used any number of quotes, proverbs or aphorisms there, but I chose that one because as a child, I was always amused by the visual of my father chasing an elephant in order to steal surreptitious bites from its ankles and trunk.

Hey, fuck you, it makes me laugh, and that's what counts.

Anyway. So. Posi, right? How to. The idea would be, focus on yourself. Take a long hard look at your own life, and try to determine just where you can enhance your character, enrich your enjoyment of life; to actually be a positive person. When one stands forth as a representative or adherent of a particular creed, philosophy, or value system, one stands under a microscope. You can't just say something-- you have to do it; to adhere truly, one must become.

By being a more positive person, and treating your internal development as such as a constant work in progress, you are assured a strong likelihood of self-improvement. You're throwing kindling on a little fire to make it burn more brightly. As that light grows, you're going to gather people who want to warm their respective (and metaphorical) tootsies at your fire. Better still if you're surrounding yourself with positive people. The wonder of modern social networking is that it is quite easy to diversify your circle, exchange ideas and influences. Your attitude might intrigue others, but your actions and words will really allow you to spread that fire.

It's simple enough to make small changes in your own world, and to share your compassion and enthusiasm with the friends and acquaintances and even strangers who share your little corner of the world. Maybe you can't make the whole WORLD "posi" but you can damned sure make a difference. It's your house-- decorate it how you want, you know?

You don't need New Year's Resolutions to make changes-- but it's as good an impetus as any. Dr. Sunday has certainly made some resolutions, but that's my watch. Eyes on your own paper!

I hope this helps you. Best of luck!

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Hate, the Internet, Brokencyde and Michael Jackson.

2009-10-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

Hi, I was just wondering why everyone makes such a deal about the band 'Brokencyde'? I, personally, love the band. And, of course, I know that many people don't. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, but I just don't understand why everyone ridicule and degrade them so badly. I just find it cruel. They don't rape, kill or anything.. they just produce music for our entertainment. Why can't these people just back off? It's downright disrespectful.. and frankly over the top. Haters threatening to boycott the band if they play at the warp tour? Death threats? The insults are just horrendous. Everyone's different. Some like screamo, some like pop, classical, rock, etc. Some people think music is useless and a waste of time. So stating your opinion (i.e. Brokencyde sucks, they have no talent) and passing it off as FACT is just stupidity. What's with all the hate? Isn't hate the reason for suicide, depression, war, etc? Isn't it the reason for Michael Jackson's death? I know for sure that hate is the reason for my depression and my sister's death.
I'd like to hear what you have to say to all this. --S.L.

Dear S.L.,

Thanks for giving me some room to work with on this one. If it was just another question about that band, I wouldn't have even bothered to answer it, but you were good enough to have more than just that to say, so thank you for it.

Should I assume that you read my previous entry regarding Brokencyde? To summarize, I was asked why a man in his early thirties might enjoy their music, and further, what my thoughts on the band were. Needless to say, I'm not a fan, and while I did withhold from unloading hate from both barrels, so to speak, I posited that part of the band's appeal to their audience is the polarizing power of hate-- that the band shrewdly exploits this in order to better market their music, by making themselves targets of the uncensored hate all over the internet here.

It's great (for you) that you love them, but there are plenty of folks out there who just find the music terrible, or the fashion sense deplorable, etc, considering it mere fodder for the lowest common denominator, whatever. But I think your question has more to do with hate than it does Brokencyde, am I right?

Here's the thing about hate and the internet: the internet gives everyone a voice, regardless of message, spelling/grammar skills, presumptive social values, or purpose. Have you ever read the comments section on any youtube page? ESPECIALLY the popular ones. Pick one. Any. For every "oh dude that's awesome" or "OMG i <3 ____'s (music/face/body/whatever) so much!!!!!111!!!," there are plenty of barely articulate rants and gibes, as rife with spite as spelling errors, and all about as necessary as a condom in a convent. It's everywhere. Visit your favorite websites, especially ones where the content has a comments section-- same rules apply. Maybe it's moderated, maybe it isn't-- but if it's not, you can bet your ass it's full of serious garbage.

And why is that? Why do people find the need to vent like that? It's easy-- because people CAN vent like that. Any public forum, unmoderated, if visited enough, will ultimately degrade to the worst of things, because the anonymity of the internet makes it easy. Some people do it because it's funny-- and you know what? Sometimes, it is funny-- especially if it's well-crafted. There are entire websites out there dedicated solely to cutting down things that the authors of the sites despise. Personally, I can get behind that, because I believe speech SHOULD be free and uncensored. I'm willing to put up with the bullshit to be able to say whatever I want to say. Yes, it does sometimes get out of hand, and yes, that's a shame, but these are the risks we as a society have decided to accept in favor of being able to say and think whatever we want.

I could sit here right now and tell you why I think the band Coldplay is God's way of punishing us for NOT executing the members of U2 (for the crime of continuing to put out increasingly terrible records after blowing their collective wad on their artistic zenith in "Achtung Baby"), and I could think of all sorts of clever metaphors. I could use the phrase "languish forever, consigned to the horse-phallus forced-sodomy ring of hell." I might think that was funny, and you know what? I probably have some friends and readers who would laugh, as well. Does that make me right, or just an opinionated asshole? Does it matter? I'm making use of my freedom to speak as I will.

But obviously, there's more to it than that. And there's a difference between internet hate and legitimate, real-life hate. The difference is, people aren't killing people because someone calls your favorite band a bunch of diarrhea-flavored eunuchs. You could write a blog criticizing Brokencyde, for example, and not a single member of that band is going to dive into the Grand Canyon. I'll concur with you far enough to say that "hate" gets out of hand on the internet, but there's personal hate, and then there's spitting for spit's sake.

Hate, internet or otherwise, didn't kill Michael Jackson-- pills killed Michael Jackson. A hard life killed Michael Jackson, and a few decades of bad choices. Personally, for the record, I think he did some fucked-up shit, made a mess of his life, and is probably better off now, but it wasn't bloggers, comment-section ninjas, or internet trolls that killed him. Personal responsibility, you know?

Now, I won't say that NO ONE has ever been killed or driven to suicide by harassment on the internet or even in real life. I won't say that no one has ever cried from some hurtful words, virtual or spoken. I'd go far enough as to say that there are plenty of people who suffer from depression, and getting picked on or hated on, regardless of venue, is a serious problem. I won't offer to excuse the behavior of bullies and assholes-- even when I've been a bully or an asshole. What I will, and emphatically, here, state, is that people suck. Always have, always will. You can't change that, and you can't stop it. Let me tell you, I've tried. It doesn't work, at least not until my Empathy Bomb (patent pending) goes off and teaches the world the real price of every action.

So what can you do? The same thing anyone can. If you can't change the world, you have to be strong enough in yourself to stand against it. Keep things in perspective. You're articulate enough to ask an intelligent question, so I'm sure you're smart enough to realize that there's nothing anyone can SAY to you that, as mere words, will actually alter the fundamental nature of who you are-- unless you choose to let it affect you. Your skin is as thick as you choose. Someone could make fun of you for liking Brokencyde, or the Twilight books, dogs over cats, or McDonald's cheeseburgers or Jesus or the color orange-- but does that make you any less than who you are? People say shit to me ALL THE TIME, because I have a tendency to make myself a target by being free with my opinions. I don't mind admitting that I hate things you may like, or like things you may hate-- but I don't care what your opinion is about it. If you like something I do, or something about me? Awesome. That's cool. It won't make me be your friend, though-- you have to earn that by less superficial means. By the same token, do you hate MY favorite bands? The music I write? This blog? The color of my hair, my cat, my blue eyes, my ethnic heritage, or how clean I keep my toilet? I don't care. Hell, you can hate me PERSONALLY, and it doesn't really affect me because I choose not to let it do so. That's your watch, not mine. If you live your life based on what other people think or believe, you're going to be sad. There's enough sadness and strife in one life that there's hardly any reason to start adding to the pile, you know?

I don't know what factors in your life are tearing you down or making you depressed, but I'm willing to bet that you have the power, inside you already, to be better and stronger than that, or to get whatever help you need to take charge of your life. Seriously.

I don't know if this was the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps, one way or another. Take care of yourself.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Orange Juice? or....?

2009-10-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

Doctor:
What kind of person throws a half full gallon of orange juice out on the highway? I saw this around 8:30 am today on 75 North and felt curious. I have some ideas....

A) The type of person that would take a bite out of a burrito and chuck it out a car window on the highway because "it is filling".

B) Someone on a serious acid binge.

C) Some kind of douchebag that is not satisfied with ordering a large orange juice with his McGriddle.

What do you think?
--Stupefied on 75

Dear Stupefied,

Those are all excellent possibilities. Finding items in strange places does set the mind to wandering. I once found half of a Taco Bell burrito in a dressing room at Macy's, for example, and thought "you could wait long enough to go from Taco Bell to the mall, and on into Macy's, before you started eating, but you couldn't wait until you were done trying on clothes?" My immediate hypothesis there was something along the order of some strange nigh-superhuman, whose metabolism runs well faster than anyone's ever should-- and thus must consume food in strange places and in strange amounts.

Regarding your orange juice conundrum, I could of course speculate, but instead will regale you with an instance from my own personal life that might shed another sort of light on the matter. As many of my readers know, I'm also a musician-- and during various times in my life, must travel for my art. In younger years, I've spent that time in a van, with a group of whatever gentlemen I'd enlisted to my cause in the context of a van. What many people may not realize, is that guys travelling and sleeping in a van may not always be the most mature or well-mannered, and that the rules and customs of the road are not always the rules and customs of civilized people.

My story, which I assure you will rapidly become relevant, begins with one of the many amusements with which we would wile away empty hours. It was a game with no name, and only one implement-- an egg. Just a plain, ordinary egg, which made its way into our van through a complicated series of dares and bets, but became the focus of several hundred miles of the American Midwest. The rules of the game were simple: if you had the egg, you had to pass it off to someone else, without them realizing it. Break the egg, and you lose-- be the one to place the egg last, and you win. *PROTIP: If you want to play this game at home, drawing faces, phalluses, the Batman logo, or the profanity of your choice on the shell of the egg is OPTIONAL.

During the course of this travel, the egg aged and passed many ordeals-- being hidden in pockets, hoodies, shoes, lunchbags, and hats. Unfortunately for me, it came to its final resting place in my pillow. I discovered it upon laying down to rest, somewhere east of Cleveland, it being my night to be too drunk to drive the van. Of course I felt the strange sensation of the well-placed object, under my pillowcase yet above the pillow, as my heavy and heavily-intoxicated head came to break it, but I was too tired to care. In fact, it was the complaints of my bandmates, who could not abide the stench, that awoke me and alerted me to the issue, an hour or so later... when we pulled over to throw the pillow out in a gas station trashcan. Unfortunately, I realized that my hair now smelled of the distinctive sulfur of rotten egg.

Instantly sober and stinking to the high heavens, I vowed my bitter revenge. And, in the custom of Young Men Travelling in Band Vans Across States, it was to be vulgar in its own right.

We went inside to gather supplies, including sodas for the trip and ice for the cooler. Only two of us were Mountain Dew drinkers (one being myself, and the other being the winner of the egg game). This, I would use to my advantage. Procuring two Mountain Dew BIG SLAMS (the one liter-size, a term no longer used on the packaging, but familiar to many), one for myself and one for my quarry, my trap was soon to be set.

Once back in the van, I neglected to go back to sleep, but rather to drink every drop of my soda right then and there. I concealed this fact from my quarry (who was fast asleep in the passenger seat, and due to take over driving in a few hours), keeping the empty close by me. Now, per the customs of the road, had I not finished mine, I was to write my name on it, before slipping it in the cooler. I did neither. In fact, I took my quarry's soda from the cooler and drank a couple gulps of it, wrote my name on it, and put it back in the cooler.

I didn't sleep for the next long while. I used the time, instead, to void my bladder into the empty Mountain Dew bottle-- first a couple of long, tiresome "beer pisses" and then the logical outcome of guzzling an entire liter of Mountain Dew in a matter of minutes. The bottle, unsurprisingly, was nearly full, and thanks to the green color of the bottle, wasn't that far off from what one might expect to see. I wrote my quarry's name on the bottle, placed it in the cooler, and went to sleep.

***Editorial note: For the record, urinating in a plastic bottle while on the road may SEEM vulgar, but if you think it is, you've never traveled long distances overland with males, where the rule of the road is, always, that the strongest bladder is the one calling the "piss stop."***

Some time later, we pulled over to change spots-- my quarry in the driver's seat, myself in the passenger, the rest of our part in the back. Of course, the quarry instantly wanted to crack open his Dew to get started, and thanks to the cooler, it was nice and cold for him. Ice cold, like the revenge I was to have.

It took exactly one deep, thirsty guzzle before he spat most of his "soda" all over himself before closing the bottle and throwing it out the window. "Fucking awful, I must have gotten a bad one," he would splutter later, never once knowing what he had willingly taken into his body. To this day, he doesn't know, and in the off-chance he's reading this, I've spared his name.

Did someone later, though, wonder why an almost completely full bottle of Mountain Dew was discarded? Did someone, perhaps, years later, pull a similar prank with a gallon of orange juice?

We may never know. I hope this has helped you.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Sewing Kits for Men.

2009-10-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I have a brother who is trying to come up with a way to masculinize (if thats a word- if its not, it should be) a sewing kit. How do I tactfully tell him that he wants to do the impossible?

Befuddled in Bethel

Dear Sir,

I'd be happy to answer your question, save for the fact that it is based on a false premise. You believe that to masculinize (and yes, that is indeed a word) a sewing kit is an impossible feat.

Not so! In fact, while outmoded minds may consider the art of sewing to be feminine in nature, we now live in the 21st century, where most items need not have gender roles assigned to them. It's a sewing kit, not a box of tampons. If your brother, who I am certain is a wise and bold young man, has decided that not only will he own a sewing kit, but that he wants to decorate or modify the pieces (say, creating a custom thimble that fits his hand better but is in the form of a Dalek from Doctor Who, and turning the box into a miniature TARDIS) to better fit his personality, then he's doing the most bold and masculine thing he can do!

Consider: I'd be willing to wager that both you and your brother have had ear piercings in your time. And say, hypothetically, that your father was a bit old-fashioned with respect to changes in fashion, so he might have objected at various times, finding earrings to be effeminate, a grievous sin, in his eyes, for his sons to commit. Now, I bet that brother of yours, even as a young teenager, was astute enough to remind your father that ear piercing, historically, has not been a gender specific concept, and has only been forced into such during say, the days of your father's youth, and the cultures that preceded said father's youth. Did having a piece of metal in your ears make you any less a man?

Thus with the sewing kit. This is not exclusive to one gender or another, and customization, maybe because it came in a box that happens to be a soft pink, and doesn't stay closed very well, and is awkward in size/shape overall, is probably wise. Your brother doesn't feel feminine because he's GOT a sewing kit-- he just doesn't like the colors assigned to some of the accessories, the failure at proper closures, and awkward size/shape, and chooses to make them more conducive to his own personal tastes, while perhaps paying homage to a great British scifi show.

You should be ashamed of yourself for making fun of your brother, especially since he could still probably kick your ass as he did back in the day, when he was a much more cruel and unkind person.

I hope this has helped you.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

PS-- Give my love to your little ones, and tell Mom & Dad I said hello.

***Editorial Note, for background purposes: This message comes in response to a conversation which took place on my twitter page, wherein I suggested that, since I had such a hard time finding a good thimble or a sewing kit that wasn't feeble in appearance, that I would make a more "masculine" or perhaps merely a "geek" version, likely by making my thimble into a Dalek and the kit box into a TARDIS, and so on, because Doctor Who is, quite frankly, the shit. And yes, this was my brother who asked the question-- I break confidentiality only with his approval.***

Culinary Conundrum, or What Will I Be When I Grow Up?

2009-10-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

There are certain times of the year when I'm very satisfied with and challenged by my career--times when I'd go so far as to say I get that peace-filled and remarkable feeling that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, when I'm supposed to be doing it. This, I believe, makes me very lucky, and I truly appreciate my employment. There was a time when I was sure I had my dream job.

But:

There are also certain times when my mind is overwhelmingly distracted from my work, and it's mostly to think about cooking. It's considering recipes, researching techniques, planning menus and reasons to entertain, constructing shopping lists in my mind, wishing I had more money so I could cook more things.

I love food, but I love cooking so much more. It's challenging and frustrating and satisfying to a degree I've only experienced elsewhere in personal romantic relationships.

So I wonder: am I in the wrong profession? Should I be cooking? Should I go to culinary school and have the chance to cook so much more than I do now? Or am I too old (almost 27, sheesh) already to consider such a thing? And do I not have enough natural talent? I'm really not that confident in my cooking, even though I manage to do a lot of it. I'm never quite happy with what I make, but the experience is always satisfying.

I guess I'm worried that: a) I'm pressing my luck--I already have a kickass job, b) I'm too old, and c) I'd end up being even worse than the trainwrecks that are eliminated in the first few weeks of every season of Top Chef. Plus I have a real and true and highly irrational fear of cracking eggs (terrified of the possibility of a partially developed chick inside).

I'm feeling delusional, but also kind of excited. Am I crazy?

Curious,

not-a-chef

Dear Not-A-Chef,

Finding one's true calling in life isn't always easy. There are people I've known personally from childhood, schoolmates, family friends, who always seemed to know where they would be going-- and simply fell into line, lived the life, and are thriving or at the very least comfortably surviving in their own little niches, never really having had to question their routes. In some of my more somber hours, I envy them the simplicity of their lives, the ease with which they appear to travel the paths of life, and wonder if they've ever spent the anguished and exhausting sleepless nights that some of us (like myself) still endure to this day.

And just as your story relates, I know people who work jobs that are very fulfilling, yet want for more, or perhaps simply wonder what else there could be. On a personal note, there is a man I know, a close blood relative of mine, who works a very honorable job which he loves-- yet he too, dreams of other things, at times, knowing that he possesses a passion (and honestly, even with my personal connection to him, I can state OBJECTIVELY, a true talent as well) for something else. Still the passion he desires to pursue is a bit less practical and immediate, for the needs of his life and his family, so he devotes himself to that which he must do to provide, while occasionally dabbling or even diving into the passion which haunts the quiet places of his soul.

Even for myself, I can state that I've walked this line. I'll go ahead and admit for the readers, as I have to my close friends, that I dropped out of college, walking out on a rather substantial scholarship to a very reputable institution, for the sake of pursuing careers in music and writing. I've spent my years since high school alternately supporting myself, sometimes in part, and sometimes in full, with my passions-- writing, recording and performing music, or various aspects of free-lance writing, not to mention the occasional art commission/sale, audio production, or event promotional role. While this is lovely, I also know that as an independent artist, I don't get health care or a 401K, and I'm lucky to have a savings account or even a place to rest my brilliant and beautiful head, so I've also made damned sure that, as needed, I've kept day jobs.

I promise this personal, expository narrative will soon become quite relevant to your circumstances, and I appreciate your patience, which you will find rewarded in a matter of a few brief paragraphs.

In the early days of leaving college, and the years that followed, I was a teen, or a lad in his early 20's, arrogant enough to believe that no harm would ever come that would require, say, the need to visit a hospital. Thanks to my upbringing (very folksy and rural, coming from a long line of bold and stoic people very close to the earth, with a liberal helping of German stamina, Irish courage, and Native American wisdom), I've been able to heal myself and keep myself well-preserved, despite years of very hard living. However, periodically, I've sustained injuries beyond my own abilities, such as when I broke my knee a couple of years ago (onstage, while playing a guitar solo--I'll spare you the details here), which once more revealed to me the benefit of having a very good "day job" which paid my bills and provided me with the high-level health care that allows me to walk, run, climb trees, fuck, fight, and maintain my yoga regimen to this very day. Even now, I work two jobs (one in finance, one in public relations) while continuing to make music (beautifully, I might add) and pursue all of my other ambitions (some more serious than others), which often actually make me some money-- a nice thing, to be sure, but more importantly, satisfies my desire for adventure, passion, and magic.

When I was recovering from the aforementioned knee injury, my father drove me to and from the surgery that was required. In an opiate haze, I recall resting on my bed in my apartment, while my Dad ran to McDonald's to get a fish sandwich for himself (it was a Friday during Lent, and he's Catholic enough to be like, forty-third in line for the next Pope). Dad came back, and asked again exactly what had transpired, and I told him. We had a discussion very similar to that which I have already mentioned to you, and he said it was good that I was wise enough to keep my day job while pursuing my passion. I agreed with him, and he told me this: "Sometimes, there is value in taking risks-- living life without a net. But if you can have what you want WHILE MAKING SURE that the basic needs of your life are cared for, you'd be a fool not to do so. Everyone wants to have a cake and eat it too-- that's the best of all possible worlds, son." Now, while he did tell me afterwards to cut my hair, stop wearing makeup, and to start eating meat again, since the vegetarian thing is probably why I got hurt, since I was already halfway to being a girl and when the fuck was I going to snap out of that hippie bullshit already, seriously, etc, I still consider him, in most respects to be perhaps the wisest person I know, and almost as smart as I am. Almost.

This is my advice for you, my dear: You should follow your dream. I do think, however, that you should do it in such a way that you do not sacrifice the life you have, at least for the moment. Sure, there's romance in the idea that you drop everything to flee to some far-off city to learn the culinary arts at the hands of venerable masters, but the truth is, you can have your cake and eat it, too-- and in the process, learn how to make the kinds of proverbial cakes that astound and astonish, that are as much a joy to prepare and devise as they are to eat and to share. Work with your schedule-- make some sacrifices for yourself and for your art. Figure out how to attend cooking school while still maintaining the job that you have. You will, then, have quite a bit of time to ascertain which life suits you best. Maybe you end up becoming a chef, and loving it-- and maybe you keep doing what you're doing, but go even further towards astounding the people who love you most by preparing meals of such amazing depth that your passions are sated, desires met, and your happiness is assured. The fact that you're willing to ask yourself this question, rather than dismissing it as some foolish dream, tells me that you're onto something worth pursuing.

I've given this question a lot of thought, and every time I look at it, I realize how totally right and very fucking smart I am. I think you're ready to take this step-- maybe you just need the impetus of hearing from someone on the outside. Follow your dreams, but save yourself the peace of mind that your "day job" will offer. You'll stay satisfied and you'll learn a lot about yourself. That's the kind of education that only life itself can provide.

I hope this has helped you. If you need further consultation, you know where to reach me.

Always Listening,

Dr. Sunday

PS-- You're never too old to follow your dreams. Betting on yourself is NEVER pressing your luck, and reality television is about as far from reality as you can get.

And for the record, the eggs that you purchase from the store are not ever fertilized, and thus will not contain any sort of embryonic chicken babies. I can state this categorically. Unless you're buying your eggs from a man on the side of the road, or driving to a farm to get them right out from under a hen, you've nothing to worry over, I assure you.

If this one doesn't offend you, you might be worth knowing.

2009-09-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

To the ever witty and handsome Doctor Sunday,

Have recently been pondering life. Love, pain, existence, etc. Included in this waxing, and the one I wish to speak on, is the biggest perplexity of all..

Why is everyone a moron?

It seems that quite recently I have been surrounded by more stupidity than deemed necessary. As I have never been naive in the least, I have always had my suspicions of half the general population being sadly afflicted with being an idiot. It has just been growing in numbers more so than usual lately.
To elaborate: Why does my roommate have the time to get weeded/eat all of my food/whine about women daily, but cannot spare twenty seconds to wash a fork?
Why is an ex m.i.a. until they need an outlet to bitch or rant to, i.e., you?
Why does that drunk girl you don't know at The Tavern feel the need to let you know exactly how long she's gone without sexy time (and how horny she is) whilst spilling your beer and attempting bedroom eyes at all your friends?
And then there's even the non-personal. Why is gay marriage illegal?
Why does the creditreport.com guy continue to be allowed commercial time? I could go on for days here.

Is this just a part of human nature that I will eventually have to accept and live with? Is it because Pluto is in retrograde? Am I just unmoving, unfeeling, unkind? (bonus points for alliteration) I would surely hope not as I'm a humanist first and foremost. Please share your thoughts on my, and the world's, dilemma.

xo,
Pissed off Smarty Pants.

Dearest Pissed off Smarty Pants,

This is indeed a tough and challenging question. Why are there so many morons? Can we blame it on modern diet, or perhaps the influx of new avenues of vicarious entertainment that serve to dilute creativity, stunt motivation, and cripple intellect? Is it a sign of some pending apocalypse not predicted in any ancient text or entheogen-addled shaman dreams? Does the Matrix need more RAM or to switch to Linux? All valid questions.

We could point the finger in many directions. While I'm only half-joking when I say that the "information age" serves to leave people more "educated" while growing less intelligent, the truth is, people really do pay too much attention to things that aren't worth it. Take the continued existence of American Idol. Anyone with even just a single pair of neurons that spark even periodically should find that sort of thing to be a slap in the face; particularly anyone who values art enough to NOT wish it to be so BLATANTLY commoditized. Now, I could sit here and insult even some of my close friends by calling them stupid for watching it, but I'd rather not, because some of them are people I see often enough to make social exchanges awkward were I to make that choice.

So looking at the results, we wonder: is there a causal relationship between the modern media and stupidity? Do we support moronic things because we're stupid, or does our stupidity result in a market for stupid things? It's a vicious cycle.

The point is, and I'll be shockingly Nietzschean for a moment, by saying that morons are out there to make the non-morons shine. Think about it. Evolution has created a number of wonders and traits (seriously, click that link; it's awesome, right?), all while leaving others far, far behind. The favorable features provide mating advantages, and social evolution often adopts innovation. Now, the scary thing here, is that natural selection appears to be leading us in the wrong direction, as the proliferation of idiocy is reaching a more critical stage, when the opposite SHOULD be true. We're getting educations, we're travelling more widely, we've got access to so many things beyond the dreams of previous generations-- so why is it that we're consistently producing underachieving, uninspired hacks who consume foolishly, travel seemingly only to prove that a fool in Chicago is a fool in Paris, and allow atrocities such as this to be inflicted upon the general public.

Why? Isn't it obvious? Clearly, we've reached a plateau, and in some metaphysical sense, evolution/God/the Universe is saying "ok, seriously? all this time and the best you can do is this?" This is why we have so many legends, myths, and tales of a Great Deluge. It's an archetype that plugs directly into the forward-thinking psyche of Human Development. We know that the day will come, when rather than "wickedness," "ungodliness" and "immorality," we are damned by "stupidity," "douchebags," and "80's retro."

It's all our own fault, though. In the last few decades, more so than ever, and worse still today, we're raising a society of people who are born and raised without ever having to actually try; people who are fed entitlement and inflated senses of self-worth, who are coddled through situations where character should have been built. LET THE CHILDREN FAIL. IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THEY WILL EVER REALLY LEARN. YOUR ILLITERATE, BELLIGERENT, LOUD-MOUTHED BEDWETTER IS NOT SPECIAL-- THAT HAS TO BE EARNED.

Would that I knew the proper spell to incant, to make this all go away-- give our pesky species the chance to install upgrades and restart. Sadly, such is not the case, so these are facts and facets with which you and I must continue to cope. And as logic will dictate, when the facts of a situation are immutable, one must address reality by altering perception and/or altering reaction. For example, to address your sub-questions: your roomie puffs, dines, and whines so much because if he shut up, he'd have to find something else to do, and washing up seems distasteful: in other words, stupid, lazy, and it sucks--keep your food where it cannot be taken, roll your eyes at the whining, and wash only your own dishes. And ex's who only come around when they want something are selfish and stupid enough to believe that you don't have anything better to do than make yourself available to them--be stronger than that, and you can always hang up the phone, hit the "invisible" button in chat, or be clever with excuses. Remember, lying to a moron doesn't count as dishonesty-- so go for it, with my blessing.

The drunk bar slut behaves thus because she is slave to her appetites and impulses, thereby little to differ from the animals at the zoo. I'd recommend throwing peanuts at her and taking her picture until she either starts flinging feces or hides behind a tree. It's 2009, drunk bar slut-- getting laid is easy, and you don't have to play games or reek of desperation while embarassing yourself and everyone who knows you. Put on some underwear and close your fucking mouth-- if you weren't so pathetic, maybe you wouldn't HAVE to whine about "how long it's been."

Gay marriage is illegal because there are too many ignorant idiots holding onto outmoded morality, who want to hold onto their places in the rising divorce rates. Don't worry, we'll have gay marriage before we have legal pot--and both of those are coming down the line, doubt it not.

And the creditreportdotcom guy is still on the air because we are being punished for all of our sins, and for allowing the continued existence of Coldplay.

As for the last part of your message, do not blame yourself-- you are certainly not "unmoving, unfeeling, unkind." You're merely aware and quite realistic, and if the weight of the world makes you a little bit bitter sometimes, it is to be understood. You can be a humanist and still find your heart a bit sour on the thought of your fellow humans, sometimes.

My advice to you is simple. Do what I do: surround yourself with intelligent, charming and attractive people; chances are, you already know some-- seek their company. You can meet new people through those you know already, and that's fantastic, because you can pick and choose. Invite yourself out, invite others in. Participate in activities geared towards your interests, and make friends-- take a class, get up and go out, be creative and use good judgement. Be choosy with those you allow to become close to you. Initiate creative correspondences-- collaborate. Be smart and never, ever, EVER settle for anything less than what will really keep you happy and stimulated. Ignore what you can of the unwashed masses, and learn to laugh at what you can't ignore-- the more you learn to laugh, the easier it is to keep that shadow right out of your heart, and moreso, there is POWER in mockery. Keep your wits sharp and don't drag yourself down unnecessarily. A nice sense of superiority helps, too, but you'll get that anyway.

Your recognition of the problem tells me that you're going to be JUST fine. I hope this has helped you, and if you need anything else, you know where to find me.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Let's talk about sex.

2009-09-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr Sunday,
I was wondering if you had any advice for a couple. We've been together for a little more than two years and we don't have sex very much anymore. We still love each other but for some reason we're just not doing it that often- maybe once or twice a month. When we first got together we used to do it like three or four days out of the week at least. Im still very attracted to my boyfriend and hes still very attracted to me, but how can we make things a little more interesting for both of us? I dont want us to stop being interested in each other or to start looking elsewhere. Can you help us pleeeeease?
Frustrated in Fremont

Dear Frustrated,

Using extra vowels in the word "please" is a great way to get my attention, apparently. That was a joke. Never do that again. (also a joke, fyi)

Let me break this down for you as simply as possible. We're going to address this issue on two fronts-- causes and symptoms. This is going to require some work on your part-- but if you really care the way that you claim to, and I have no reason to doubt that you do, then you'll find this a breeze.

Ok. Now, to proceed logically, let me ask you: is something different in your relationship? Has something changed, qualitatively or quantitatively, in the nature of your interactions with your boyfriend, that might impact this? Are you spending less time together, are you spending less time thinking about each other? Is someone taking someone else for granted, is one partner more selfish than the other, have you both begun to drift, etc? Has something HAPPENED? Are both of you in good health? Do you live together, do you see each other often? Are you both honest about your needs and feelings, or your level of commitment to the relationship? How do YOU feel about YOURSELF? How does HE feel about HIMSELF? Etc.

Here's the thing, Frustrated. ANY of the above could factor into a reduction in the affection level. Are you physically affectionate enough OUTSIDE of sex? It's easy, in the first blush of a relationship, to hold hands, touch, be close, be intimate, make your friends nauseous through public displays of affection-- but when you're alone, do you still kiss good night? Do you still say "I love you" every time you meet? Does this love, honestly, to you, mean enough to you that you're willing to give of yourself? And what of him?

Those questions themselves pose suggestions, surely, if they are in fact the problem, but since our correspondence, at the moment, is limited to an email and your response (at least until you write more, I suppose), all I can say is ask yourself all of the above and if you find an issue, address it-- and if you need more advice, by all means, feel free to ask. This advice thing is kind of what I do, right?

Now. How, in the short term, to address the problem? Well, for the sensibilities of my readers, I'll keep this relatively clean, though I do believe my advice will lend itself well to resolution of your immediate sexual concerns, while you choosing to pursue and face any root matters (if any) as listed above, or otherwise, will address the problem at its core. In other words, I can't help you love your man any more than I can help him to love you, though I can probably give you some advice to get you both screwing like you should already be.

Thought one: honesty. If you're both concerned about not having enough sex, then try to figure out why. Sure, it gets less hot if you're scheduling it, but for FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, make time for each other, with an emphasis on that. Since it's you writing me (and not HIM writing me) I'd suggest that you take the reins here yourself (figuratively OR literally). Are you really that attracted to him? Do you love him? Then SEDUCE the guy. Use your charms and wiles. Talk to him. Ask him about fantasies. Seriously. Sounds corny, but if you suddenly reveal something about your own, he's going to feel a bit comfortable stepping forward to tell you something. See if that's not something you can work with. I can guarantee you, unless he reveals some unforeseen really sick fetish, you're both going to have one HELL of a time with that talk, especially if you really make sure it keeps going well past the initial awkwardness. You'll thank me. Talk about what you both want, and see how long it takes to start seeing some of that come to life.

Thought two: what you already know. You're the one writing me, not him, so maybe he doesn't read this blog (if so, he's probably not worth fucking anyway, but since you love him, I'll assume he's a loyal reader, and pretend I was just joking when I said that). This says clearly that you really want to make this happen, but you're at a loss. You're at the end of your rope, so to speak, and you need more than what you have. So get more. Make this happen yourself. You know this guy. You know him a lot better than I do. Surprise him. Give him what he wants: positions, costumes, location, roleplay, talk, accessories, unrestrained passion--whatever it is that you know he would enjoy. Give him something that's going to leave him wanting more. Send him a message, write him a letter, take a picture (but only if you're sure this is going to last, obviously), or just fucking surprise him when he least expects it. Show up and tell him you need something, get it and then go home. He'll be so blindsided that he'll be forced to take a whole new perspective on who you are-- and if he's really into you, he's going to find himself a lot more willing. And if you're the problem, if you're the one who isn't as willing, then giving yourself time to use what you know of him to plot, plan, and scheme for amazing experiences, you're going to feel like more of a sexual person. You can't be lazy with love. You have to give, you have to show effort, you can't merely expect things to happen in their own time. Those kinds of thoughts are exactly why this kind of thing happens to people.

Being male myself, I can state categorically that if you provide him with something that is a true EXPERIENCE, you're going to give him the kind of gift (memories, desire, satisfaction) that will keep him focused on you-- and at the same time, you're going to find yourself a lot more interested, as you work to make things more interesting. And it won't take much effort in that way to really let love (or at the very least, sex) to engage itself into making things a lot hotter and more interesting than you ever thought possible, or ever could have accomplished alone.

Trust me, I'm a pretend internet Doctor. I'm not going to let you down on this one. If you do as I say, you won't let yourself (or him) down either. I've got plenty more I could tell you, but I'd rather not denote this particular entry as NSFW. Believe in yourself, use your creativity, and if you really want this, the appetite will provide the impetus. Do it! It's on you now. Stop reading (for tonight) and start plotting!

I hope this has helped you.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Age and betrayal.

2009-09-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I broke up with my long term, live in boyfriend last year because, among other things, he was carrying on what I believed to be an inappropriate relationship with a high school student who was the little sister of one of our friends. He insisted nothing was going on but now they are in a relationship so I think I was pretty much dead on. He is 26 and she is 18. I find this to be incredibly disgusting despite the techinical legality of the whole thing. My ex is incredibly smart, he graduated top of his class from a very prestigious university, is a two-time national debate champion and just finished a clerkship with a federal judge and is now working for the government in an important position. But, that being the case, how can he be so stupid and date a high school student? Is there something wrong with me that I dated such a creep? Thanks!

Sincerely,

Confused in the City

Dear Confused,

Let me first state that I am sorry to hear what you have been through, particularly with respect to the presumed (and likely) infidelity (emotional or otherwise). Ending a relationship is, more often than not, a very unpleasant and difficult thing, and situations such as these only make it that much harder. I do hope that you've found yourself the better for it.

I'll answer your twofold question in reverse order, because I can, and it seems easier that way. I don't believe that you should blame yourself, or that there is "something wrong" with you for having dated him. He was the one who wronged you, at least during the relationship. Obviously, the things he has done subsequent to the relationship are his own affair, no pun intended. Even if there was in fact "nothing" going on, and he merely considered the young lady a friend, he should have respected AT THE VERY LEAST that it made you uncomfortable. If he were truly committed to the relationship, he would have shown you the courtesy and respect due you by facing and addressing in a productive and unselfish fashion, or removing the situation. Relationships are ALWAYS supposed to be about compromise, which means sacrifices must be made particularly where outside forces (in this case, a high school girl) act as obstacles. The fact that he did NOT, according to your account, make the necessary changes proves at the least he is/was a selfish person who put his own wishes before your own and well ahead of the relationship itself, and also tends to imply that his unwillingness to make such a change in that circumstance might be indicative of actual infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both. He wasn't willing to let go for a reason-- it isn't hard to imagine what those reasons might have been, particularly given the circumstances now.

As for WHY he would date a high school student? To that, I cannot say with certainty. I have to admit that the age difference between myself and my girlfriend of the last five years is exactly the same-- and a little math will probably make it clear that she was a high school senior when I started dating her, two weeks before my 26th birthday. At the time, we'd not really discussed the age difference (I thought she was older, she thought I was younger, and we met through work), but to be fair, I also was NOT in a relationship with someone else at the time. We simply made a strong emotional connection, one that blossomed into something very real for the two of us, despite the years. For us, it felt natural-- it's not as though I sought after a much younger gal, it just sort of happened that the person I fell in love with was also someone a fair bit younger than me.

With your ex, however, he had to have known. So why, then? Obviously, he wasn't anywhere near as committed as you to the relationship. Maybe he had some sort of unresolved emotional issue inside, where he saw in a much younger girl the chance to recapture some sort of vitality or youth? Or could it be that he felt that the relationship had become stagnant for him, because he'd never really given himself fully to it, and found his wandering eye to be more than he could stand? For some people, the "grass is always greener," which doesn't mean your pasture is any less beautiful-- it just means that despite his obvious intelligence, he may lack a certain level of personal maturity. You can be a very intelligent person and still be an impetuous child, especially when you're a male.

Or, maybe, and I can't know for certain, but maybe-- she's the one for him, and the time was right, and age is, at certain points in one's life, merely another label. Meaning, then, that this is not and never was your fault-- it was just time for things to change, and maybe he's happy now and you'll be happier too. It's difficult to say, but you have to consider all possibilities.

You should not hold any of this against yourself, or feel any less worthy as a result of it. It's hard sometimes not to doubt oneself, particularly when you've been put aside in favor of something else (if this was indeed the problem), but the fault is not in you-- this guy acted like a selfish asshole, or this guy wasn't right for you, or this whole time had come and gone, and now it's time to learn, grow and move on.

Set your sights on the future, and learn from the past.

I hope this has helped you. Be well.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Shorties, Anonymous, and Facebook: a collection of the brief.

2009-09-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

*****Dear Readers-- what you are about to read is a list of random short questions asked of me, whether via anonymous emails (some nice, some fake, some douchey), or comments left on my facebook page. Thought I'd share, because, well, I want to, and this is MY blog. If you don't like it, you're probably not reading this anyway. So enjoy, friends. --The Doctor.*****

#1- Doctor: Itchy head.. Do I have lice? And if so, Will you pick them out? --T.

Dear T: Getting checked for lice is fun and easy-- those popsicle stick things they run through your hair kind of feel good on the scalp.
Lice-picking is a premium service, not included within the Dr. Sunday free project, but I could probably offer you a coupon or something. I'd also advise not wearing the other kids' hats. Love, Dr. Sunday

#2- Doctor Sunday: My question for you is... My boyfriend is turning 28 in August and I have no idea what to do for him. I know I want to do something very creative and adventurous but I'm running low on ideas. Any thoughts??? --M.

Dear M: Might I suggest, firstly, a surprise party, on a date at least one week prior to his birthday? I successfully caught my dear Claudia with a great surprise party by enlisting (without her knowledge) the help of a couple of her friends (whom she didn't know I had contact with; I used facebook and was VERY tricky). A surprise party ON the birthday would be too easily deduced.

Are we discussing a gift, an event, or a combination thereof? In my experience (as in, being a guy), I will tell you that nothing moves me more than an experience I can remember forever, or something I can hold onto and look back on repeatedly, whether it be a poem, a hand-made gift or hand-made card, or simply a letter on clever stationary. I'm the sentimental type, so a keepsake is a lot more meaningful to me than say, that video game I've been dying to play, which I'll play through once and then never again. I don't know if your man falls into that category, but that would certainly make your job easier.

Using your wits, you can guarantee the kind of birthday surprise for your boyfriend that he'll never forget.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

#3-- Doctor Sunday- Why are you such a homo? --Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle [identity edited by the editor because I fucking CAN]
Dear GSF,
It's 2009, why not? Dr. Sunday just loves people. Plus, you're really cute. Piss off, my dear Goat-Sodomizing Fuckbottle, and if you feel again like speaking to me, at least be funny. Keep reaching for that rainbow! --Dr. Sunday

#4-- Dr. Sunday, Where the hell did my pants go??????!@? --K.
Dear K.,
They are under my bed, in my box of keepsakes, because your love means so much to me that I can't imagine being able to part with them. I regret the necessity of sneaking up behind you with a chloroform soaked rag, just to steal your pants, but to be honest, after the roller coaster/whirlwind madness we shared, I simply didn't believe that you'd be willing to part with even such a simple keepsake.

Or maybe that was a joke. I'd advise looking through your laundry hamper aggressively, or looking under your bed. Normally, when I can't find an article of clothing, it has either been misfiled in my closet/dresser/etc, or buried somehow in my laundry, if not appropriated by my beloved cat as part of his fortress under my bed.
Hope this helps you.
Love,
Dr. Sunday

#5 Dr Sunday-- (*editor's note, spelling in this query has been corrected, and rather extensively at that): what is your problem with BC13? I read your post and you're just running your mouth like an asshole. no one asked you. --the dank knight
Dear "The Dank Knight,"
First off, yes, someone DID ask me. Secondly, you clearly didn't read the post thoroughly enough, but I'd blame that on the apparently severe level of cognitive disability you displayed so memorably across your email. Tell your mother or special needs provider that I told you to "write back when puberty hits, or functional literacy-- whichever comes first." Twat. Sincerely, Dr. Sunday.
PS- the "DANK KNIGHT?" seriously? dude. Wow.

*****And I'll close there. I've got more, but I'll save those for a future date. I'd once again like to remind you to feel free to ASK ME ANYTHING, and thank you, my dear readers, for making this blog such a fun and successful project.
Much love, and always listening,
Dr. Sunday*****

Betrayed

2009-09-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Doctor Sunday:
A very good friend (metaphorically) threw me under the bus today, and I am having trouble letting it go. I don't really want to go into the details, but I'll say that we were involved in a somewhat stressful decision-situation, in which many of the other people involved were overreacting, and I was trying to be reasonable and convince everyone to stop and think before we acted in a reactionary way. This is not an unusual scenario with this group. Usually, I can count on him to be with me and help chill everyone out, but today, instead, he mocked me in front of all of them. (Essentially, "she's bitching and moaning so I guess we'll just have to wait till she stops crying") I already told him that I didn't appreciate this remark, and he sort of apologized, but I am still very bothered. How do I let this go? Much of this is the fact that I am disappointed in him, I expected more and now I feel as though I can't count on him anymore.

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,
This is a very unpleasant experience indeed. Trust is the most important factor in any relationship, be it platonic, collaborative, romantic, or any combination thereof, and when that trust feels violated, it can be very difficult to regain, let alone to merely forgive/forget. Without knowing the full details of the situation, I can still perhaps suggest a couple of possibilities as to the "why," which may help you to let this go.

The first possible solution would involve, however, Dr. Sunday taking on the role of devil's advocate, so please bear with me and understand that I am in no ways trying to downplay the validity of your feelings. (Furthermore, let me apologize for utilizing both the third and first person in the prior sentence; this is not a habit of mine, but rather a narrative device meant under no circumstances to bely any sort of pretension in my nature above and beyond that which can be expected).

The thought here would be, given that this person has, in the past been a party upon which you could consistently rely in such straits, is it not possible that there are extenuating circumstances that led him to behave in a manner divergent from his norms? Not to excuse his behavior, but rather to explain it as rather the byproduct of something external and not to be taken personally? Either way, he owes you an apology, but consider: perhaps said party had one of those mornings that seems a modern remake of the Book of Job; rises to find that his spacious and reasonable apartment has become flooded from a backup in the plumbing, leading to black water, ankle deep, which has ruined his collection of novels and caused an electrical fire which, among other things, destroyed his computer, suffocated his dog, immolated his Playstation, and caused his alarm clock to fail catastrophically.

Of course I exaggerate, but the point meant to be illustrated here is thus: if a person acts contrary to their nature, or to your expectations of their nature (given past circumstances), is it not reasonable to posit that there may be factors present of which you simply know little, or nothing? The course of action here is plain, if this hypothesis is correct: allow this person time to collect himself, and perhaps inquire, on a friendly level, of his well-being. Unless seriously dire forces are at work, it is entirely reasonable to assume that the individual will realize his mistake and perhaps even offer a well-deserved apology. If this is a friend, you have a right to ask of his well-being, and indeed to push further still, if you deem it necessary or appropriate, wherein you confront him directly and state that you found his attitude and comments inappropriate.

Speaking personally, I find such attitudes to be reprehensible, and borderline misogynist. This may not necessarily be the case, but you have every right to feel as you do, and the important thing to take with you from this (which would also lead into my second suggestion) is that you have a different, and perhaps broader perspective on the way this person deals with situations where stress is a factor.

I was raised to believe that in any circumstance, one treats one's peers with respect, wherever possible; and REacting based on base emotional state (i.e. blowing up at, or ridiculing another because you're "in a shitty mood") is simply inappropriate. In my own personal and professional life, I've striven to avoid such reactive attitudes and actions, but it's far easier said than done.

My second suggestion is the more difficult, but ultimately the more pragmatic; it is simply that knowing now what you know of this person, accept the knowledge for what it is, acknowledge the way it makes you feel, and deal with it in the fashion you deem least destructive. To give you an example, were I in your shoes, I'd wait exactly twenty-four hours, and if an apology or some extenuating circumstance has not come to light, I'd confront this person directly and state my feelings on the matter. I'd take that twenty-four hours to remind myself that nothing in this world is ever certain, and that the nature of trust is that it is tenuous-- this is both its beauty and its curse. Trust is a soap bubble from a plastic wand; beautiful as it floats, iridescent as the light strikes, a thing of magic for the entirety of its existence-- but to carry the metaphor further, bubbles eventually pop, at one point or another, and you can always blow another, I suppose. The conceit sort of loses momentum at this point, because I can't figure out how to tie in that orange plastic bottle, sticky to your fingers, with the fact that you have to strike a balance between trust and observation. You can easily let go of a broken trust by saying "fuck it, I'm on my own, people suck," thus giving up all expectations of other humans, for now, for a time, or forever-- but you'd be wrong in this, and selling yourself short on the human experience. You can also forgive anything and everything, but eventually that leads to you being taken advantage of by even those nearest and dearest-- which sort of defeats the purpose of letting anyone become near, let alone dear.

I suppose the best I can say here is this, and I hope it helps: listen to your heart. Rely on yourself, and smile when others back you up. You've been wronged-- what would make YOU feel better about it? You can confront a person who has wronged you without causing further trouble, but your heart is, regardless, going to desire an answer, a reason, a rationale for this behavior. Think about what would satisfy you, and make a plan. Again, in your shoes, I'd wait that time, try to find my calm and rational center, and compose my manner for approaching the person in question should he fail to take action within those twenty-four hours.

How a person behaves in the most trying times, is the true test of a person's character. While this may not console your disappointment in full, it at least gives you the time to reflect, and perhaps to consider of your own self: how do I behave in trying times? We've all failed, we've all spoken harshly when we didn't mean to, and we've all said things we wish hadn't (whether immediately or some time later). I always give the benefit of the doubt, but my compassion is pro-rated based on 1) how well I regard the person, 2) how long I've known them, and lastly 3) how regularly I'm going to have to deal with them.

I hope this helps, and if you need further advice, or want to discuss this further, you know how to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

How to make your eye stop twitching.

2009-08-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday...

My eye is twitching. Specifically my right eye. And even more specifically the lower lid of my right eye...just about in the center of it. This has been going on for MONTHS....way too many months. One friend said to eat a banana. I"m turning into a monkey. Another friend suggested I am too stressed out. At this very moment my eye is twitching and if I was any less stressed out I would be Buddha. Hence I bring myself to your office to inquire as to what I can do to make this stop before I put a fork in it and call it done.

Thanks so much....
~Twitchy

Dear Twitchy,

An excellent question, and one I've had cause to answer numerous times in my life. Fortunately, I come from a family that is as steeped in folkloric wisdom as it is in traditional, practical methods.

According to some sources, twitching under your right eye means you are going to see something that you should pay attention to-- something will transpire within your peripheral vision, literally or figuratively, that if you aren't paying attention, you could miss out on totally. Of course, I've also heard, from less folksy sources, that the under eye twitching (which is called, by the way, myokymia, has not ever really been linked conclusively to any one specific cause. Like zits, it's been tied to stress, caffeine, bad diet, lack of sleep, too much sleep, lack of exercise, too much exercise, lack of sex, too much... well, you get the picture.

Translation: no one really knows WHY, we just have our best guesses based on evidence which may or may not be anything more than coincidence. "Well, it only happens when I'm awake, so maybe it's being conscious that does it? Damn, I guess I better sleep more." That sort of thing. Point is, it happens, you get it, lots of people do, and it's more common in females than it is in males, but only slightly. When it happens in both eyes at once, or starts to twitch an entire part of your face, that's when to seek legitimate medical attention.

Since it's only in one eye, it's not anything TOO much to worry about. The EASIEST way to deal with it is to try the practical approach. A warm washcloth, held over the offending eye, while you gently massage with small circles the lower eyelid should relieve the twitching. This often resolves it immediately, but not always-- in which case you just do it again, later in the day. Do this as often as needed-- don't be afraid to show that pesky eyelid who really wears the trousers in your face.

If it is intense enough to really drive you crazy, you can use the kinds of allergy eye drops available over the counter at pharmacies, preferably the kinds of drops which have an antihistamine component. This won't cure it in and of itself, but it can reduce the intensity of the muscle reaction, allowing you to make some headway.

Personally, I've ALWAYS had success with the warm washcloth method, and never had to do it for more than a day or two. If that fails, try the old fashioned method-- take the oldest penny you can find, face north with the offending eye closed, and rub southward down the face of the penny, as quickly as you can. When the penny gets warm, hold it against your eye, and whisper your desire (my eye to stop twitching) fifty times. I think you have to drink cow's milk and light a candle, too, but I might have my folk magicks mixed up here.

Hmm... Probably just go get a washcloth warm/wet, instead, yeah? I hope this helps you.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Dungeons & Dragons

2009-08-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I was wondering why you play Dungeons & Dragons? I would also like to know the back story of your character (I heard his name is Bubbles). That is all.

Love,
Your local Dungeon Master

Dear Local DM,

Yes, it is indeed true that among the many pleasures and private, personal pursuits of the good Doctor, I can often be found rolling the dice with a close-knit group of my most dear and cherished friends. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some might call such a thing a "guilty pleasure"-- but for me, if it's a pleasure, why should I feel guilty about it?

The whole point of life is enjoyment and personal growth. Well, that and other things, but that's the simplest way to explain the most basic of aspects of human nature. There's a lot to be found in this world, and among the deepest treasures in the rich galleries of life, are the gifts of the human mind and imagination. So, for the same reason that I can't seem to put down my guitar, or stay up late into the wee hours of the morning poring over pages or laptop keys, and have fingered scarred from art scalpels or pins/needles, burned by glue guns, I find my pleasures where I will-- in the realms of the mind as much as of the body.

Playing D&D with my friends is the kind of pursuit that not only makes us smile, laugh, and engage one another, but also provides that close-knit bond of family, something deeply lacking in people of our generation. These are interesting times in which we live, and we must find our own ways to reestablish that drive to family/tribal unit/village that has been taken from the modern person living in more urbanized areas. We form cliques and groups, rotating casts of characters that fade in and out united by fashion or music or love of alcohol-- and that's fine. For me, D&D is something much the same. For our little group, it is as much a pleasure pursuit as it is one more excuse for us all to come together.

Beyond that, it's a callback to the youth that our generation refuses to relinquish. We hold onto those things that keep us young and vital. Lifestyle becomes much more a motivational factor, and thus we choose the lifestyle that fits us best, accessorizing with toys and games and locations and dreams, which we wear like insignia, a complex shibboleth. We choose our faces and dialects in a way that makes sense only in the context of ourselves. This, then, D&D, is just one more way for us to pursue the elusive spectres of happiness that flit in and out of our periphery.

Plus, it's really fucking fun.

To answer the second part of your question, yes, my character's name is Bubbles.

Bubbles is a Warlord of the Tiefling race (something like the above picture), who travels with a group of adventurers who he happens to know from high school. Bubbles wasn't particularly popular in high school, because he was introverted and snide, mostly because he had a quietly cynical attitude, and believed he knew better than everyone else. Plus, a bookish type, he regularly got picked on by the "normals." In his adult years, he came more into his own, but developed a bit of a bossy attitude, which manifests itself as a sort of misguided compassion-- he tells everyone else what to do because he KNOWS he knows better, and wants to do the right thing always. Sometimes, in his minutes just before drifting off to sleep, he imagines himself in another world where he provides advice to friends and strangers, though in a much more handsome and less cynical fashion. Bubbles enjoys good food, but prefers to dine in quiet places, where the wait staff never asks "does everything taste good tonight?" while he has a mouth full of food (he abhors bad manners like that). While he may not always smile, he never hesitates to bestow kindnesses on those closest to him. He's got an amazing singing voice, too-- a rich, velvety baritone; expressive and sensual without any hint of excesses in showmanship.

And that, friends, is that. Yes, I play D&D. No, I won't apologize-- it's a great way to spend time with the people who matter most. That makes it awesome.

I hope this has helped you.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Huddled in a Corner

2009-08-25T12:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I've been having an incredibly tough time of things lately. I recently
found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and today she went in to have an operation, only to discover that the cancer had spread (marginally) to her lymph nodes. My entire family has been
pulling through this in such a cavalier manner, but truthfully I just don't think that we know how to discuss it. Being the oldest, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the iron lung for my family, if you
will. However, I just found out some disturbing news of my own; not having health insurance, I have to rely on Planned Parenthood for my ladylike checkup needs. They informed me that on my last pap smear,
they found "severe dysplaysia," meaning that I could possibly have cervical cancer, or nothing at all. Doctors, right? The WORST part is that, in order to find out whether or not it definitely IS cancer,
they have to take a sample which costs $300; I can barely afford my
rent each month, and I'm supposed to pay for a $300 medical procedure?
Right. Uh huh. I haven't told my family about it, because it would only add to their worries (I guess that's the FINAL worst part).

The kicker is that I feel like my friends have, for the most part, completely drifted away from me over the last couple months. I have no one, save for my roommate and a completely close, dear girlfriend of
mine, to talk to this about. I feel like I've done something totally wrong, which would be an entirely separate 'Dear Dr. Sunday' post. I'm completely trapped, clawing at the inside of my head, with nowhere to
go. How do I talk about this to someone? Anyone? Bueller?

-Huddled in a Corner in Clifton

Dear Huddled,

There's a lot to cover here, and I'll do my absolute best to address every point. Let me start by offering you my moral and spiritual support, for you, your family, and especially your mother. Cancer is a scary prospect even in the best of times, but it's important to keep a positive attitude, because while science can't always take care of the problem, there is plenty of evidence to support the idea that a positive mindset in trying times, especially when coupled with a solid support network, such as a family being as sensitive to the needs of the survivor as possible, while remaining positive themselves.

Now, as far as the feeling that no one is really discussing the matter, or that the issue isn't being faced directly, I will say two things. Thing one, I'm playing devil's advocate: there are as many ways of facing trying times as there are people to face them. Example: I've had some deaths in my family in recent years, more than I wish-- and my father and I, in the best of times, often don't relate the best. I am one to cry when hurt, to share my feelings with my friends, and to give equal time both to confronting my emotions as to trying to be of cheer (cheering myself up, letting friends and close loved ones cheer me, or merely distracting myself to recharge my batteries, so to speak). My father, however, will talk only to my mother about his feelings, and put on the bravest face possible for everyone else, because this is how he sees himself, and how he feels it is best to meet a crisis; not just for himself, but for his family: his wife, three sons, two daughters, and four granddaughters. If this is a recent development, as you said, then perhaps the "cavalier" manner of coping that your family has thus far adopted may simply be the first phase of their response, or may simply be the best they can do-- at the moment.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to simply allow this to continue. While "sweeping things under the rug" may be a time-honored Midwest/American tradition, it's not the best way to deal, by any means. Without knowing the specific dynamic of your family, let me make you a few suggestions for opening dialogue within your family, and if nothing else, let the above statements remind you that sometimes, things are as they must be, thus you must rely upon your own reservoirs of strength, which are great.

Being an oldest child myself, I can relate to your position in your family. This gives you a unique opportunity, of course, to take advantage of being the oldest child-- here's how. Firstly, go to your mother-- MAKE her a card, not to say "get well" but just to say "Mom, I love you, thanks for being amazing." I don't know how she's facing the crisis, or if she's merely doing as the rest of your family, but if you spend a little one-on-one time with her, you can tell her that you're proud of her courage, and that you're praying for her/wishing her well/lighting candles/sacrificing goats/whatever the custom is in your family circumstance. It may seem like a simple thing, but making the gesture is going to do worlds of good for both of you. Then, perhaps you have lunch with your father, or a phone call, or go over to the house and make some dinner for everyone, as you have time. You can meet with siblings or daddy privately, to get into some depth, ask how they're holding up BUT MAKE SURE that you volunteer your OWN feelings in these exchanges, because it opens dialogue and loosens reticent lips. Those more direct approaches are great, but at the very least, making sure that you're visibly showing concern WITH support (making dinner, stopping by to visit, being kind and generous in the best way that you can) will go miles towards opening that door for your whole family, and helping your mother in her recovery.

These are easy things, certainly, and cost you very little financially OR personally-- but trust me, it'll make a difference, as long as you're consistent.

Regarding your concern with Planned Parenthood and the possibility of cancer in your own life, I can offer a few suggestions as well. Firstly, I wish you well, and hope for the best in your health-- but you need to get that test done. How can you do this? Here are my thoughts:

Thought one: Ask your father, privately, without informing the rest of your family. I know that you're concerned about bringing this up with your family, to spare them the worries, but let's be completely frank here-- your father would rather find out that two women he loves well are suffering BUT BEING TREATED, than find that while his wife has recovered, his firstborn daughter is facing the possibility of serious health complications, up to and including DEATH, because she didn't get treated in time. I don't say that to scare you-- please don't mistake me. I've lost two family members in recent years because they didn't want to face the financial implications of seeing a doctor when things STARTED getting scary. That's not an exaggeration. So ask your father for help, if you think he can help you, at least financially, but ask him to hold that in confidence. He'll be glad you trusted him enough to turn to him, and while he'll be concerned, he loves you enough to do the fatherly thing and take care of you.

Thought two: You're clearly working a job right now that doesn't pay you enough for your expenses. Granted, this is a tricky and trying job market/economy, but have you considered the possibility of going to work in an environment where insurance comes from day one? I've got several friends who work in "call center" environments, which, admittedly, aren't the most fun jobs in the world, but tend to have healthcare benefits attached from the first day, as do those of larger corporations-- especially national banks. You could, potentially, get a job by submitting an online application, begin training, and sign up for your benefits ASAP-- and use them. Even if you're only doing it as a means to an end, it's worth it, if it saves your health, or even your life.

Thought three: I don't know how Planned Parenthood works as far as billing/payment go, but if you throw yourself on the mercy of the office, you might be able to put yourself in a payment plan. Call and ask them, stating clearly your concerns-- speak to the doctor, and see what he has to say, what suggestions, if any he might have in this regard. Most doctors, despite being incomprehensible and baffling to the general public, ("it could be cervical cancer-- or nothing at all. Give me $300") are good people who get into their line of work because they want to HELP. I know lots of people who are in RIDICULOUSLY easy payment plans for medical procedures ($20 a month against a few grand, you can swing-- just eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week, and you're there). It'd be great to think this might work, but just bear it in mind and be honest about your financial circumstances. You don't have to prostrate yourself and grovel-- just ask. The worst thing that happens, you get told "I'm sorry, ma'am" and have to use one of the other options.

Were it me, I'd speak to your father first, but only you know what is best for you in that matter, or what you're willing/capable of doing. Keep your resolve strong, make your choice, and stick with it. You will not fail, I can assure you of that.

Now. Regarding your friends, let me say-- it sucks, being isolated, for whatever reason, whether as the result of something you may have done (right, wrong, or indifferent), or merely because the world moves, shit happens, and life goes on for others. It's a terrible feeling, when you can perceive that unpleasant distance between your friends and yourself. So how do you talk about it? How do you find an outlet? There are a few ideas I would have for you, and I hope one fits you well.

You say that your roommate and a close girlfriend are there for you. Perhaps those friends are ones with whom you might spend more time. Get outside your comfortable social circle and see what the world has to offer. It's easy to lean on familiar shoulders-- but ultimately, you hear the kind of advice you'd expect from people who know you as well as you know them. Sure, your roomie probably is close, and you've met his or her crew, maybe they're right and maybe not. What about asking that girlfriend to take you somewhere new, do something outside of your norms? What about other friends who might have drifted away, not as a result of any direct action you've taken, but rather as a result of the not-quite-parallel lines that human lives lead? Call someone and ask them out for coffee. Invite them to something that takes you both to something new, or takes you somewhere that you can find an opportunity to expand who you are. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. Think laterally, think creatively. If the familiar isn't as friendly, spread out. Do something new. Change the landscape, even if you can't move out of the city. You have the power to do anything you choose-- it just takes two things: one, the choice, and two, the will to pursue. Don't forget it.

Alternatively, if you can't just ask someone to listen to you, you could always deal with your concerns in an artistic fashion. Maybe you write poetry, maybe you write prose; maybe you make ninjas out of pantyhose. Only you know what is going to bleed the pressure out of your pipes, so to speak, but don't let worry or fear impede you from doing whatever you have to do to make yourself feel right again. You're a strong and articulate person-- I don't think you're as trapped as you think you are; it's really just about how you perceive your environment. Maybe you just need to stop looking at the bars of the cage, and start considering how far apart those bars really are-- and where you can slip out, or how you can get a message to the outside, so someone can come and unlock that prison.

I know this has been a rather lengthy response, but to be fair, you started it! I'm kidding. I don't mind EVER offering the best advice I can, and I hope this has helped you. And if you have any further questions for me, as you implied, don't hesitate to ask.

Dr. Sunday is always listening. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sunday

Squirrel Problem

2009-08-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

How do I keep the squirrels from running around in my heating and air conditioning vents in my apartment?

Thanks,
Squirrely

Dear Squirrely,

I had to consult a few experts on this one, but I believe I had a series of thoughts and suggestions that might prove useful.

Firstly, the thing you need to ascertain is the point of ingress. How are the squirrels getting into your vents? Presumably, the squirrels are entering from the exhaust vents on the outside of your building? According to my father, the wisest man I know, the simple solution is to file a complaint/maintenance request with your landlord or superintendent. You're paying rent, so it's their watch to keep the building in proper order. That should solve the problem, in a perfect world.

But of course, we don't live in a perfect world. In fact, we live in a world where oftentimes buildings fall into disrepair and/or are maintained by the kinds of people who wear velcro shoes not for fashion or function, but rather because the motor skills required to tie shoelaces would greatly exceed their intellectual faculties. Should this prove to be the case in your circumstance, as it is in many, there are a few more suggestions that I acquired along the way.

My father said that failing the assistance of the landlord, you could pay a quick visit to the Home Depot, where, for just a few dollars, you could acquire pieces of screen that could be easily cut to shape and affixed to the outer vents where the squirrels are entering. That should keep them out pretty easily.

Beyond that, two alternatives were suggested to me by an acquaintance who I asked merely because I know him to be super practical and handy. The one suggestion involved killing the squirrels and "leaving a dead one up 'ere, as a message to the rest of 'em," so we'll just not talk about that one. The other, however odd, he swore worked for him in a different but similar situation in the past.

Apparently, you can acquire, from any store that sells hunting supplies, or predator pee dot com (not making this up, I swear) in a plastic jug, the urine of a fox or a coyote. Yeah, fox piss, by the gallon. Apparently, judiciously applied, it will keep away any number of small animals by making it seem that predators are in the area. The gentleman who suggested this to me said to dispense it around the base of the building, or soak a small sponge in it and stick that in the outside exhaust vent, or wherever the squirrels are getting in.

I'd advise, either way, that you wash your hands afterwards.

I hope that this helps.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

To love and be loved

2009-08-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sunday,
I'm usually intensely private about my relationship issues, but for some reason I feel like giving this a shot.

Even just typing in your email address, tears sprang to my eyes. Maybe I'm a little exhausted and drained from the weekend, but needless to say this is something I've agonized about and dwelled upon and tried to ignore... Okay, let me try and phrase exactly what the problem is: part of me thinks I am going to be single forever. And I feel like such a fucking cliche for even saying that, but I can't deny the thought has crossed my mind multiple times. I'm starting to think I may never find the love of my life here, and may seriously just have to relocate (for a job or for adventure, not specifically to find someone) in order to have any chance at finding that counterpart.

The longest relationship I've ever had was in high school, from the beginnning of Freshman year through graduation, and that seems kind of backwards. Since then I've fallen in love a couple times with wonderful, talented, charasmatic men who turned out to be completely unstable and incapable of giving me any semblance of a "normal" or stable relationship, and whatever we did have crumbled quickly. I've had a few short-lived and barely noteworthy relationships, a couple one night stands, and probably more than a few unreciprocated crushes along the way. But I am now in my mid-twenties and I've not had a relationship last anywhere EVEN CLOSE to a year, never lived with anyone, never had a romantic date to a wedding, never had a bf on my birthday (since high school), and countless other "nevers" that pile up in my mind. I'm an independent gal with tons of amazing, incredible friends, a career I love, a roommate I adore, and a life I am so proud of... but I constantly look around me at all these happy couples (seemingly all this city is populated with) and think, "What is wrong with me?" In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I have to admit that I do have weight issues and occasionaly confidence issues, but most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty awesome person and TOTALLY worthy and ready for a relationship. It kind of kills me to admit all this because I genuinely think of myself as a person who doesn't need a man to feel whole, but at the same time I'm sensitive and I love attention and romance and I'm only human so some frequent sex wouldn't be so bad either. That was a wicked run-on sentence, no? I just want love, cuddling, sex, fun, laughter, someone to miss me when I'm gone, someone to make dinner for, someone to watch movies with, a drinking buddy, an artist, a scholar, a man's man. Is that too much to ask?! Haha. Trust me though, my standards are reasonable. I only write the long list of what I sometimes feel I'm missing out on.

I know that whatever answers or help you may provide, ultimately I just have to be patient and open to what the universe has in store for me... But seriously? When is it my turn to be in love and be loved?

- Antsy In My Pantsies

Dear Antsy,

The question of finding true love is, and has long been one of the most complex and emotional of all questions. It's difficult to answer in short, and if I had some magic elixir or crystal ball that would either grant your wish, or at the very least give some indication as to where/when your time will come, I'd not only be happy to share it, but I'd probably be able to start my own business and live happily ever after.

That being said, I agree with you completely that you're not asking for too much. You do have realistic standards and perfectly human needs/urges. Furthermore, you sound very strongly self-aware, which is key. You do know what you want, and you're not lying to yourself or rationalizing something absurd. From the way that you describe all other aspects of your life, it is very clear that you're in a place where you not only know how to ask for love, but you're capable of handling it properly-- to give and to receive.

You should be proud of yourself for that much. It's a hard place to come to, for so very many. It's important to be a strong and complete person, if you want a lasting and successful relationship. Your strength and depth will serve you very well, so no matter what the waiting and wanting may cost you in terms of patience or energy, it is VITAL that you never lose sight of these aspects of your character.

To address the occasional concerns with body image or confidence, I might note that these concerns are also very common problems, though the means by which to address them are varied. Self-esteem is tricky, just like love. We all want someone to tell us we're beautiful, that we're perfect, that we're special-- since we never really get to see ourselves through the eyes of others, we look for kind words and gestures of affection to reinforce and edify. Of course, we can't always rely on that, and further, it's important that it come from within, to be sustainable. If one person tells you everyday "you're amazing" and then later that person leaves, will you still feel "amazing?"

Since you're smart and perceptive enough to note your many excellent and awesome qualities, you must know that you have the power to overcome any issues of confidence or self-image-- it merely requires application. Sometimes it's as easy as affirmation-- a technique I was once shown was to ask one to three close friends in your life, whom you trust and admire most to make you a "top ten" list. The ten things they love most about you. This gives you a tangible affirmation, something you can carry with you, and turn to when maybe the night is just a little bit darker. Look at the items on those lists and try to see the truth behind the kindness, and remember to own your best qualities. Find it in yourself then perhaps to write your own top-ten list, and see what you get.

Beyond that, sometimes it pays to take up a regimen of self-improvement, if only to reinforce confidence. Not happy with your body? Add a simple 20-minute daily aerobics routine. Change your hair. Mix up your personal style by expanding your wardrobe. Choose to play against type, just to see what difference a simple change in your life can make. Not only do you gain whatever benefits are intrinsic to the new routines you've undertaken, but you will have completed something PERSONAL, which is huge when it comes to building and supporting confidence.

Those, of course, are the easy things, Antsy. The real question here, though, is when will your turn come? You worry that despite your active social life, solid career, and awesome friends, you're going to have a long wait to find love. While I can't guarantee that your wait will be any longer or shorter for what I suggest, here are some thoughts of mine-- merely things to consider, which I hope give you either success in your quest, or at the very least, inspiration to take the kinds of action that will.

It may sound trite, but have you ever considered altering your social schedule? Perhaps finding a class or other community/social group, united by a common interest? While you may not find yourself sitting next to the perfect man immediately, at the very least you'll be meeting new people and thereby opening up other options. Perhaps the nice guy/gal who knits or paints or does yoga beside you might just happen to know someone-- or knows someone who knows someone, or invites you to a party you might never have gone to, etc. Every person in your life is part of this strange and beautiful web of connections, and following a thread might lead you to where you need to be.

Another thought. Perhaps your friends may themselves hold an answer. While I'd hesitate to suggest asking to be fixed up, it might not hurt to spend time with friends more ancillary to your more immediate circle. If you have a friend or friends with whom you don't really spend much time, maybe find out what THEY do, where THEY go-- you're bound to find a new social outlet, and as we know, every interaction is another possibility.

While the television commercials often suggest the idea of deep successes in online matchmaking sites, I'd say you may be better off avoiding such. Consider joining online communities based on common interests, perhaps seeing if there are friends to be made there, or perhaps the kind of connection that may lead you to where you want to be.

The possibilities are wide open-- you're completely free to do as you please, and a little creative thinking will provide you plenty of thoughts and options. The important thing is, don't get discouraged. The time comes when it comes. If you're the kind of person who has faith, or believes that everything happens for a reason, then let that comfort you-- and even if you don't see the world that way, you still have the power to take the reins of your life. Yes, you do have to remain patient, and yes, remain open-- but that doesn't mean you have to sit still. You've got every bit of what you need to make this happen, and you possess the intelligence, courage, and strength of character (clearly) to weather the quiet nights until you find what you desire most.

Be strong, remain confident. I hope that my suggestions prove useful to you. There is always hope-- you just have to choose it.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Three doozies.

2009-08-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sunday,

is it better to be good at a lot of things, or great at just one thing?

is it better to make things happen, or to let things happen?

what happens when we die?

-Inquisitive in Illinois

Dear Inquisitive,

All excellent questions, and I appreciate the multi-level challenge.

Regarding Question 1: "is it better to be good at a lot of things, great at just one thing?" That depends on your perspective, but also on how willing you are to apply yourself to life. I'm "good" at a number of things, a "jack of all trades," if you will-- but that's mostly because I rely on natural ability rather than proper training or discipline. For example-- I'm a visual artist, but I never had the patience to learn techniques beyond what I gave myself, so I'm decent and can rely on quirkiness to make people smile, but I can throw a rock at my AIM buddy list and hit the screen names of at least three people I love and know personally, who would make me look like a paraplegic infant with a crayon.

By the same token, I'm a guitarist, but I've never taken a proper lesson (on that instrument, anyway). I rely on my willingness to experiment, and I get compliments for being "innovative" at the instrument, but in many, more technical respects, I'm about as big a joke as you can tell without needing to change your briefs. Could I get better at these things? Sure. Would I be willing to try harder? Only when my passion drives me that direction.

There are a lot of people in the world who walked face-first into their magic gift/talent/etc. These are people who knew their deepest passion, and followed it. Some of them work hard to achieve, and some achieve seemingly without effort-- but it's not about what it "costs," it's about what that says. You always have to follow your heart. I'd trade at least one pinky toe, possibly both, to achieve the elegant, lyrical virtuosity on the guitar of say, Slash (of Guns N Roses fame), but at this point in my life, I don't know that I'm willing (at least not right now, when my new music has little to do with that sort of thing) to take the kinds of training that would require, assuming I can ever get these fingers of mine to move so astutely.

The point is-- and you'll forgive me, I hope, for answering your question with a question, but what do YOU think? Therein lies your answer. Do know what you'd love to do most? Is there something in your life to which you would be willing to devote yourself? Bear in mind, many disciplines are related, and one skill-set by nature/aptitude may lead you to others you had not considered. The world is wide open for the mind willing to question itself.

Question 2: Is it better to make things happen, or let things happen?

EXCELLENT question. I think it depends on the circumstance. While normally, I can say that I believe in taking the reins of your own fate, and choosing the things you desire, I can just as easily point out that statements like THAT one are an oversimplification. I could say, tonight, "I need a new job, something, anything, more money to be the rad person I know myself to be." Now, I could just wait for Fate to kiss me in my sleep, and find that someone I know has a nice new gig out there for me, or I could take steps proactively to choose the career I desire.

Still, let's use that example to go further-- what if I realized that my best bet to get the job I wanted was to go through a very specific friend, someone I don't know that well, perhaps? So I ask this person, but I don't want to ask too often or press too hard, because I don't want to alienate them. Now, I send my suggestion, a phone call, an email, what have you-- and then I wait, because it's the best thing to do. I could make a move, but I risk losing the ground I've gained, and perhaps closing the door for good. Or, I can play it cool, be a pal, and just let it happen as it happens, while hoping for the best. It's a dodgy balance.

The same rules work in romance, if you think about it, and in many other pieces of life. Sometimes, "to let things happen" IS "to make things happen." My advice here, then, is to keep your eyes open and your mind sharp-- have the motive power to act when you must, but have the maturity and wisdom to simply abide, or "let things happen," when the course requires it. Just know yourself, and know your world. You won't fail.

And to your last question: what happens when we die?

Well, according to the tea leaves I just finished reading, and the auguries provided by my cat purring while the candleflame dances in the breeze from my window, there are a few possibilities.

The tea leaves state that there is an afterlife, but it is based on your own beliefs. The universe is a blank canvas, on the other side, so as you believe, so shall you be.

[Reliable and delphic, my cat ponders...]

The cat's purring states that if a soul has a quantifiable existence, then it must endure, and while science has yet to reach the point where it can make a claim on the matter, the fact of existence serves as proof in its own right.

The candleflame says you either turn to dust, go to Heaven or Hell, or we all wind up on the Big Rock Candy Mountain, whatever that means.

Still, it was a very good question. Since I've only died like twice, I usually miss the floor show while I try to find a table near the stage. I can tell you that the drinks are good, but the shrimp is hit-or-miss.

I hope this has helped you. If you have any further questions, you know where to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

BC13, my take on the great debate of our time.

2009-08-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I don't know how old you are, but I presume you're similarly-aged to a friend of mine, whose age-inappropriate superfandom of the band Brokencyde both amuses and perplexes me. From what he's described/coaxed me into hearing, they are a screamo crunk band from New Mexico (also known as BC13) that is popular with the kids these days. I have attached a photo for reference.

Also: http://www.myspace.com/brokencyde

The media HATES THIS BAND. Like, EPICALLY. Which obviously only makes their fans love them more; their latest opus is named "I'm Not A Fan, But The Kids Like It", and what do teenagers love more than an solid in-joke? I get that. My own personal opinion is that they are fine, not my thing as they seem to already know, certainly not worthy of hatred and occasionally provide me with genuine amusement. They sing about getting wasted and being players in a not particularly offensive way. You will have to try harder than that to offend me, Brokencyde.

Anyway so what with you being a man of the world and all, I was curious to hear your take on all this, both on the phenomenon that is Brokencyde, and why my friend (whom I should probably mention is also smart, employed and doesn't live with his parents) might be so taken with them.

- Blasé about BC13

Dear Blasé,

As a worldly man of 31 years who enjoys reaping from the vast Sargasso that is the modern internet, it is simple enough to state that among the detritus dredged from those dark depths, I have encountered the inexplicable Brokencyde phenomenon.

I will go ahead and admit that my reactions to this band span a spectrum from "upturning of the nose in derision" to "vicious, spiteful commentary more for the fun of crafting innovative insults than to ACTUALLY denote an active and consuming hatred." On a visceral level, what we have in BC13 is a group of young men, creating music as boring, tacky, and uninspired as their fashion sense. These are kind of people who would draw the eye just long enough to evoke usage of the term "douchebag," even were they spotted in the kind of environment where dressing like the worst bits of the 1980's just vomited neon colored slushies all over an American Apparel catalog in a men's room at the mall is considered tolerable.

I was exposed initially to the group via that bizarre side effect of social networking; the "dude, check this out WTFLOL" sharing that comes as a necessary result of access to such a broad range of fast and free information. I was relieved, initially, upon receiving the link to their video ("Freaxxx," here provided for your perusal, should you desire), only in that I was not being sent any sort of diarrhea porn, animal porn, amputee porn, or porn in general; but I failed to even make it through the video. I hated it. I hated the song, I hated the music. I hated the group before the one skunk-haired tool screamed his first, or the other skunk-haired tool started spouting the auto-tune vocals. As I've stated elsewhere I'm very sensitive to aesthetics, especially in the context of band names and other sorts of identity-based marketing. So, having provided a link to the context of the statement, let me relate that a group spelling their name "Brokencyde" and offering a song called "Freaxxx" makes my skin crawl, even before I decide to give them a chance. Add to that, then, an MTV-friendly combination of mallrat children co-opting tired "big money" hip-hop cliches, somehow made "fresh" by the addition of judiciously flagellating the deceased equine of emocore/screamo in one big ball of novelty candy, sharted from the bum of pop culture boredom.

Now, here's the key point, after I've exercised my love of vitriol: I stopped caring. I don't think about them, until someone mentions them, in which case I take delight in voicing my distaste. The truth is, I find them guilty of only one unpardonable sin: the joke isn't funny. It's one thing to go through such troubles to create a novelty act, market it, foster an internet presence, all that, but if the joke isn't funny, the whole thing is just sad. The teenage version of me wants to rail here, and start spouting about how this is insulting to "real" music/musicians, and that this music fails to act as a cultural catalyst for a true philosophical change, and that I'm going to go smoke a cigarette behind my parents' shed with the Velvet Underground on my walkman-- but the teenage version of me also wore flares, and took himself far, far too seriously.

I believe that the ease with which the media finds hate for BC13 is a clever aspect of their marketing. I believe that they knew fully well when sitting in the studio that their laugh riot would incite vehement, virulent and vicious disgust among the internet world-- a world known for its excesses in spewing hatred. Of course, unless I give them too much credit for savvy, this would also then indicate the polarizing power of such hatred basically guaranteeing them a stronger loyalty in their fanbase, exactly as you stated in your question.

So, why, then would a man in my age group, such as your friend, have any reason to enjoy, let alone even voluntarily listen to Brokencyde? I can only think of a few possibilities. Perhaps your friend respects their (as he sees it) clever marketing and use of the internet to generate "buzz," and sees them as Machiavellian figures, forward-thinking geniuses manipulating the internet and culture to their advantage through innovative planning. Or could it be, perhaps, that he is merely facing some sort of early-onset midlife crisis, where by attempting to identify with the trappings of youth (through music marketed to children), he believes he can achieve some sort of second adolescence, thereby reclaiming the vitality he feels he has lost as the years begin to take their toll?

Or maybe, just maybe, you simply have a friend who has inexplicably bad taste in music, where this one group is concerned.

Regardless, I hope these thoughts have been enlightening and useful for you. My perspective, such as it is, is merely opinion, except for when I say I'm right. And I'm ALWAYS right [citation needed].

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

OMG shoes.

2009-08-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sunday,

Simple one for you, I'm looking into a new pair of shoes; something classy yet able to be beaten on. I was first thinking those semi-boot shoes, well I think of them as such. Always shied away from them really. So I think more like a high top dress shoe. What is you thought on stylish shoes for men?

Fuddled over Fashion

Dear Fuddled,

This is indeed an easy question. Speaking strictly from a personal standpoint, my tastes in footwear for men are as much based on functional utility as they are on style. The ideal footwear in a man's closet should be as follows: Something casual, for daily wear, particularly outside of the office, but something that can be utilized in a multitude of circumstances (in my case, a pair of Diesel trainers, or my low-top Converse). Something "worn-in" or "get-dirty" appropriate is also key, typically something you've retired from daily, public use (I have a pair of Vans prison-issue velcro shoes, for running outside really quick; an elderly pair of Chucks, for when I know I'll get muddy/dirty/grass-stained/etc; and a beaten to hell and back pair of Vans low-top skate shoes, for when I know I'm going to get splattered in paint or things of that nature). A pair of boots is vital, as is something dressy-- of course, the clever and dapper young man can combine these two pieces in any number of ways to the greatest possible effect.

To give you an idea, and bear in mind, I receive absolutely no compensation for any products I mention by name, I own one pair of dress shoes. They are basic black loafers, of a brand I can't even name. I am pretty sure I inherited them from my dad when I had to go a dance in high school, or when someone died. I never wear them, because they are old man shoes-- and not in that fun and quirky vintage "old man" style, they're merely outmoded and pointless. When I need to have my feet dressier, I take the opportunity to make myself presentable while still maintaining my personal style.

I own two pairs of boots, which serve, variously, in the offices of dress footwear as well. They are stylish and functional, simple and utilitarian, yet they state by context that I am no mere office lackey or pencil-pushing d-bag. Pair of boots number one, of course, is my precious and well-loved Dr Martens. They're black, steel-toed, and rise well enough above the ankle that I could wear them without fear that I will be mistaken for the kind of person who voluntarily owns a hackey-sack, but also not so high that I might be mistaken for the kind of person who has questionable piercings in even more dubious locations on my body. They are simple, which is key, yet I keep them well-polished enough to wear under even basic slacks to the office, while still being able to wear them on the streets, under jeans, while presumably spoiling for some sort of fisticuffs, I don't know. They're perfect, and moreso, they came to me as a gift from my lady love, so I feel even better about wearing them.

The second pair of boots, I also utilize, even more regularly than the Docs, as dress footwear. These are a pair of basic black "engineer boots." No laces, just a chrome buckle off to the side. I've removed the brand tags so long ago that the name eludes me, but I've owned these boots for over a decade. They, too, are steel-toed, which I find useful on a number of levels, and typically earn me compliments as they are an unexpected yet flattering addition even to my more professional wardrobe. Of course, I've also regularly worn them onstage, as wicked and imposing accessories to my already sometimes sinister aspect. Frye makes a decent version of these in a more fashion-oriented context, though I acquired mine literally from a store specializing in work-footwear. They rise to just below midcalf, and absolutely kick ass.

While I don't suggest you copy my suggestions directly, I will state that the important message here is not to necessarily purchase as I have purchased, but rather to consider multi-functional utility, and to always remember, in building personal style, regardless of your venue, that true STYLE, whether for a man or woman, comes from making it YOUR OWN, rather than following some idea of what is fashionable or trendy. It's not about fitting in with your culture, subculture, or the magazines you read-- it's about being yourself, no matter what, and making sure the essence of who you are is represented in everything that you do, and indeed even to the shoes on your feet.

I hope this helps. Best of luck shopping.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Woodford Reserve vs Knob Creek

2009-07-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

Woodford Reserve or Knob Creek? It drives me crazy every time I'm in the store and deciding between the two. I usually swing to the Knob Creek due to Woodford being a little more sweet, but I wanted your opinion.

k thx bai,
Towerz of Taylorz

P.S. I only drink these straight, so don't give me some bullshit about using mixers or anything like that.

Mr. Towerz,

I think that Knob Creek is the quintessential choice, especially for drinking straight. It has the kind of bold, manly aspect to it that fits perfectly in anything from a log cabin to a shady dive bar. You're not just buying the taste, you're buying the ambiance and the power. Or maybe you just really want to get hammered like a man.

Also, look at the bottles? Woodford Reserve looks like a bottle of perfume:

Now, look at Knob Creek:

That looks like a bottle of kick-ass barbecue sauce, or at the very least, a rather masculine aftershave.

Plus, think about the name: Woodford Reserve sounds like a golf course. Knob Creek sounds like a Civil War battlesite.

The choice is obvious, sir. I hope this has satisfied your curiosity.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Medication

2009-07-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sunday,

Sometimes I feel completely and utterly helpless. To rely on a single pill to manage my complete existence is both frustrating and depressing. When did this happen? When did I become such a fucking basket case? Have I always been this way? Was this an inheritance of my bipolar father? Or maybe the roots were planted during one of his abusive fits, and just continued to grow over the years. Maybe it didn't start til mom left him and I was left alone to raise my little sister when I was nine years old. I guess it's possible the alcohol and drug abuse in high school could have contributed. Or maybe it wasn't until I gave birth, becoming the sole provider responsible for another little helpless human being. A human I created. And I've since created more. I suppose having the job from hell doesn't really help matters. Or the fact that I have the stress level and responsibilites of an air traffic controller.

Whatever the case, or reason, it doesn't really matter at this point. Irreversible. Damaged goods. Mind fucked.

Today I lost it. I attempted to get off the daily anxiety medication. I ran out a few days ago, and decided since my doctor was out of town, I'd go ahead and stop for good. That didn't so much work out. The entire day today I felt as though I had smoked about 8 blunts and maybe a hit of acid, except it was not the kind of high people are going for. I fucked up royally at work, as if my brain was slowly melting, neurons firing blankly, nothing connecting to where it tried to go. Slowly but surely, I was spinning out of control, until I broke. Completely helpless. I could not stop the insane emotions jerking out of me. Tears. Anger. Sadness. Absolute loss of control.

At a new low, I had to call the pharmacy and beg for more of the medication I despise.

Am I seriously a nutjob? Will I ever get off these meds? Is it true the majority of American is in a similar situation, as my doctor suggested? Am I truly helpless and out of control of my own being?

--Helpless

Dear Helpless,

It's a sad state of affairs to find oneself feeling truly and utterly lost, or to become overwhelmed by the weight of the world around you and inside of you. The past is tricky, and has a long reach, and in the modern age, we're desperate to find cures for absolutely everything.

This of course leads to medication.

Medication is a double-edged sword. First of all, your doctor was correct in stating that there is a large portion of the American public who take medication for reasons very similar to your own-- and it's great, when it works, but oftentimes, you wind up trapped in a lifecycle where you take one medicine, then get switched to another, riding out side effects by trading sleep, healthy body weight, creativity, libido, or whatever other horrors hidden in the fine print, just on the off chance that this will be something to keep the demons at bay just a little while longer.

I won't speak to the efficacy of medication, because I can only speak from my own experiences. I've had as many friends on it who have reaped benefits as I have those who've struggled with it, taken it and quit. I've lost exactly four friends to suicide, through complications related to taking medications of that nature. I've been on medication myself, and decided it wasn't for me.

I am not a doctor. The DR in front of my name is an affectation, and a dig at twats like Dr. Phil. So please don't take my advice as anything other than what it is-- the fruits of the best of my common sense, and what wisdom I can share, as gleaned from the minds of those wiser than me, from personal experience, and my compassionate heart.

Firstly, I will say that if you want to be free of the medication, and don't fancy the idea of taking pills every night, you should talk to your doctor about that. If he wants to argue the point, hear him out-- but don't let him bully you. It is your body, your mind, your soul-- you have rights. I don't know if you're also seeing a therapist, but typically the best results from medication ALWAYS involve a course of therapy. Think of therapy as stitches, where medication is a band-aid-- and you're bleeding out pretty badly. It sounds like you're carrying quite a load of baggage, and you might find benefit in making use of some of the programs available to you.

DO NOT simply quit taking the medicine. I cannot stress this enough. You can do serious harm to yourself by going cold turkey, depending on what you're taking. It's far better to wean oneself off over time, than to simply flush them down the toilet. Medicines create dependencies, of one type or another, but you can be free of that-- you just have to work smart.

My father, himself a medical professional (and probably the most practical and intelligent person I know) once told me that there was nothing stronger than the power of the will. To an extent, I believe him, but I also know, as he does too, that there are some things the mind simply cannot address of its own. I was also told (BY A DOCTOR, NO LESS), the last time I dropped medication, that starting a daily exercise routine is oftentimes enough to sort of reset the chemical balances of the human brain, and that the physical AND psychological benefits of this cannot be overstated. Consider adding a twenty-minute, very simple regimen of aerobic exercise to your life, if you don't already-- done daily, made part of your basic routine, and see if that doesn't help.

My father also told me "stop crying and use your head." I took him at his word. I'm not in a perfect situation myself, but I find that I can be quite functional by using the best piece of advice he ever gave me: "perception is reality." He told me once that the wild mood swings, crippling anxiety, and soul destroying depression were characteristic of creative types, and that if I learned rather to LIVE with them, than to try to fight them-- to accept them as a part of who I am, and utilize them as a source of strength, that I could overcome. I didn't believe a word of that, until I realized how much I'd already overcome, and how deep my resilience ran-- i mean, what "sane" soul lives as I have had to? I'm not any better or worse than anyone else-- but I've come to take the long hard road of accepting this as merely par for the course. I ride it out, and when it gets bad, I turn to those I love for comfort and/or distraction. And when it gets REALLY bad, I seek the help of professionals, but I make my wishes clear-- that no dependencies would be a nice thing. But most importantly, I listen to it, and I hear it, the little voice inside of me, and I know how and when to recognize it, so that rather than reacting to it and winding up crying into a pillow, I can mine it for strength. Art. My music, my art, my words, pictures, ideas.

If you can't kick the devil out of your living room, you're going to have to learn to live with him-- and there are always ways to make the most of every situation.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but I hope it helps.

Be strong, and believe in yourself.
Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Superman, The Mighty Thor, and Green Lantern.

2009-07-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

O Dr. Sunday,

Who would win in a fight between Superman and the Mighty Thor? I've often wondered that, and I've only been into comics for a few years. They're both extremely strong, and can fly (well Thor's flight powers apparently come from his hammer, but you know). Also, WHY isn't the Green Lantern considered to be the most powerful of all the characters since he has that power ring which could do anything he imagines??? I'm just really confused by that.

--Comics Confused

Dear Comics Confused,

The victor in a Superman vs The Mighty Thor battle would more than likely have to be the Mighty Thor. Strengthwise, I'd give something of an edge regarding raw strength to Superman, obviously, but the well and often remarked vulnerability to magic that Superman has puts him at a bit of a disadvantage when facing a thunder god whose weapon just happens to be an enchanted hammer. It'd be a rad battle, though, to be sure.

As for the Green Lantern(s), they're not omnipotent. There are always limitations to what they can do-- the rings are powered by will, and depending on when you read, have various weaknesses (the color yellow). But the spirit of your question is a good one: it's a weapon that is often underutilized, because the writers want stories to be interesting. The power rings are usually held within certain parameters, or the rules of the Green Lantern Corp, else the comic would be about two pages long.

For the record, I'd make an awesome Green Lantern.

I hope this helps you.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Forgiveness

2009-07-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

I have recently done a great wrong against someone who means a lot to me (infidelity). Because of this wrong, I will never be able to even talk to this person again to make it up to them. Part of what I did was the result of mistakes I have made from overreaching flaws as a person; bad habits in my personality. I feel like I owe it to this person (and to my karma) to make amends but i also want to make the kinds of changes in my personality so I can be no longer such a selfish, thoughtless and cruel person anymore. What advice could you give me on these goals, and how can I make amends to someone I can never speak to again?

--Loveless in Loveland

Dear Loveless,

It is always important to learn from one's mistakes, and to give the best that one can to improving oneself. If you have wronged someone, of course it is best that you apologize, and if amends can be made, you should make them-- not just until you feel that you have satisfied your obligation, but rather until you know that the wounds you have caused have been healed as best they can.

You know that what you did was wrong. You feel guilt. Good. You should be hurting. You should look that pain in the face, and know the depths of the sins you have committed, until you know that you will be a better person, and can look back on the wrongs of the past to find yourself with the will and the impetus to change. Ask yourself what it was that you did so wrong, and what aspects of your personality led you to this. You said you were selfish and thoughtless; become someone generous. Become someone who puts others before the self. It's not hard to make little changes in your life, and these little changes become habitual, and then habits become realities. Just as simple as all of that.

Of course, you said the bridge has been burned. How can you make it up to someone who cannot or will not speak to you, let alone listen to you? There are multiple thoughts I might suggest, and they are yours to use as you see most fit. But first, ask yourself this: what do you want from the idea of making amends? A clean conscience in yourself, or to genuinely heal a wound in someone about whom you care? Are you doing this for you, or for the wronged party?

I hope it's both. You will find that while some wrongs DO put you in the kind of place you are now, where there can be no healing, no return to the way things were, that you are too late to change things. Some decisions cannot be taken back, some actions last forever. This does not, however, mean that you need to just lie down and die.

You can't "fix" this person, this wrong, this event that happened, whose inertia still carries you forward into suffering and guilt. You can assuage the guilt by choosing to become a better person, and making active improvements-- not just saying "I'll never do THAT again" or "I'm going to be generous and NOT self-centered anymore," but rather say only things that you can support. If you want these changes to be real, you have to make them stick. Random kindnesses are good. Sharing your story with someone who needs comfort is better. When given the choice to choose between yourself and someone about whom you care-- choose the latter, and throw yourself into it with passion and fervor. You'll find it makes a lot of difference. You'll find that you're much happier a person for it. You might not be able to do a kindness to this person you've harmed, but you can repay it to the universe, for a clean bill of karma.
I'd advise against trying to contact someone who has built a wall against you, if this is the case. The best gift you can give in that circumstance is respect-- don't tear open someone else's scabs just to make your own conscience feel better. Give him or her time to heal. Maybe someday you'll meet again, and maybe not. Maybe someday they'll hear about something truly charitable that you've done, some way in which you've proven that you are NOT defined by your sins, wrongs, harm and misconduct. Only you know what shape you have to take to make this right. It's not too late to improve yourself.

One last thing I will advise-- the way to make a lesson last is to not merely forget it ever happened. You will always know what you did. You will always carry that wrong. You should never feel like, even though you've paid your debt, that it doesn't matter anymore. Even if you are the only one who remembers it, keep it in your heart, as a reminder. If you burn your hand in a fire, you're going to come away with a scar-- and you'll know not to put your hand in a fire anymore. Similarly, let this be a scar in your heart, one that maybe only you can see, but a lesson learned and a tale told.

You have, as we all do, the capacity for great kindness as well as great harm. If you can make this right, do it. If you want to change who you are, don't just SAY it-- do it. Prove it. And don't ever stop proving it. You're not a generous person if you're never giving. You're not selfless person if you're always putting yourself first. make the changes, and don't give up. You'll find that the real answer to your question is in taking the time, and taking the steps your heart tells you.

I hope this has been helpful for you. Be strong-- the desire to improve is the first step towards personal improvement.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Warrior Priest

2009-07-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Doctor Sunday,

I have run into quite a problem and I really need advice! Today, I hit level 11 with my Warrior Priest in Warhammer Online (Dark Crag server holler!) and I have NO IDEA what to spec in! I mean, I think Path of Salvation could be great so I can heal ppl more effectively, but I need some specs for damage too! And what about my Renown Advancement?!? It's all so confusing!

Keep in mind that I want to be super leet with heals AND do moderate amounts of damage, as I will usually be using a 2h weapon with high DPS (I don't think I will be using 1h weapons and carrying tomes anytime soon, unless you suggest this).

Below are the calculators for Ability Training and Renown Advancement for the Warrior Priest. They will be very helpful.

http://www.wardb.com/career.aspx?id=12
http://www.wardb.com/renown.aspx?id=12

Thanks in advance for this!

You can find me at the Altdorf club, bottle full of bub,
Mami, I got that mead if you into getting drunk.

Asenca, Warrior Priest (Dark Crag Server)

Dear Asenca,

That's a doozy. I'm a geek, but I've never played that game at all-- still, Ask Dr. Sunday is about me doing my best, no matter the request, so I'll see what I can do.

Ok, here's my initial thought, upon spending some time perusing your question and making use of the tools you supplied. And please bear in mind, I have no actual exposure to this game, though the concept of the RPG in general is very familiar to me.

Clearly, your warrior priest, with your stated goals of super leet healing would definitely want to spec in the Path of Salvation. The healing and support skills are the best, and the Divine Assault core skill seems pretty hefty as well.

Conversely, your desire to bolster your attack skills to be able to do at least a moderate amount of damage seems the best usage of your Renown advancement. For example, Blade Master and Might, just in the first tier should give you plenty of juice.

I hope this helps you, and that your campaigns are successful. Keep me posted, Asenca.

Always listening,
Dr. Sunday

Overly Sensitive/Special Night

2009-07-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Doctah Sunday,

I think I need to work on my skin-density or something. Tengo dos issues, and I think they maybe both stem from me being way too worried about not disappointing anyone, but who knows. That's where you come in:

Uno) I have a friend who, as I get busier, is increasingly guilt-trip-inducing when I can't hang out. And if I can hang out, but not for what would be in said-friend's mind "long enough," I get an almost worse guilt trip. And it's a mean guilt trip, not a teasing one. It's abusive and hurtful at times. I think I'm a pretty good person, but these aggressive texts I get just make me recoil. What do I do? Ignore it? Confront it? Try to create more time in my day through some blend of alchemy and science fiction?

Dos) Being, as mentioned, pretty busy of late, I feel like I've let go of some of the romance with mah significant lover. He's been super supportive and awesome, and I need to make up my mind to DO something to show him how great he is. Should I: Make him a romantic dinner (even though I make dinner pretty often...so that might not seem that special)? If so, what? Buy some new lingerie? Make him a card? Something not as lame as those ideas that I'm not creative enough to think of?

Also: What color dress should I buy to wear to Dance_MF on the River (a.k.a. Waterway Ballet, Motherfucker)?

Love,
Overly-Sensitive in Downtown

Dear Overly,

I can utterly and personally relate to your circumstances as stated. I will address each issue in turn, but as there is a bit of overlap contextually, I think I can speak to the general circumstances at large in a fashion that should be helpful.

Having consorted with the powers of darkness for decades, I can assert that there are few methods for manipulation of time that are worth noting. A drug habit is usually a great way to make sure you stay awake more, effectively adding hours to the day, but often at the detriment of your health-- therefore, I recommend not making use of that particular route. The answer, really, is in simply doing your best, and attempting organization. I'm a busy person myself, drawn and quartered by more horses and forces than I care to relate; my way of maximizing my time is to enforce habits that act against my decadent nature. I plan, because I'm naturally impulsive. I use logic, because I'm a very emotional and irrational creature of dubious sanity. I create schedules and adhere to them, and treat them just as I treat my job-- this is merely the shape of my life, and within the strictures of this sonnet, I make my time as i will. You can't make more hours in the day-- but you can make the best of the hours you have.

You're clearly, as your name suggests, a sensitive person. The desire to please those in our lives who matter to us is a common one, but this desire needs to be tempered by a certain level of pragmatism, or it becomes a curse more so than a gift. You wouldn't have guests over for a proper dinner party if your dirty socks and undergarments were strewn wildly about the living room, or the kitchen was filled with dishes so encrusted with dried food and mold that they've begun to resemble artifacts from Pompeii. You'd tidy up first, take a little time to prepare. Similarly, you must approach the intersection of your professional and personal lives with that same level of pragmatic attention. Do what you have to do, and when this is done, everything else can follow.

But that's merely the general side. On the specific level, let's start with query Uno. Your friend is being highly unfair to you in not respecting the other demands upon your life. You knew that part. How to address it, though; this depends on firstly what you know of your friend. I can suggest a couple of ways one might deal with the situation. The simplest, of course, being the indirect approach, or as I like to call it "let THEM deal with it." Go as you must, do what thou wilt, and when the snide and snarkiness hits your text messaging screen, you make the conscious choice to remind yourself that you have no reason to feel guilty. In fact, you're being wronged by that. You can choose to ignore the messages, particularly as they turn sour-- one of the best communication techniques afforded us by the advent of text messaging is that silence can be interpreted any number of ways. If you get an aggressive or ugly text, you can ignore it, and let the sender make of that as they will. If they're the kind of friend worth having, they may just think, upon cooling down, that they've crossed a line, and thus learn a lesson. The problem here isn't on YOUR end. You're living your life. You just have a needy friend who has a schedule far less busy than your own, who lacks in social graces, and is clearly trying to exploit your sensitive nature into guilt reactions. There's no reason to succumb to any of that. At all.

If it gets worse, I'd confront the person directly. A simple phone call, or perhaps a face-to-face conversation in calmer times. You can't see this person as often as you normally do, but if you stop by, say your peace, and do it respectfully, you'll likely get a good result. If it doesn't work, it's not your fault-- maybe this friend is not the best kind, or maybe there are factors present causing stress to your friend, leading them to act contrary to their past nature. Regardless of how you choose to deal actively with the situation, whether you ignore or confront (and if it was me, I'd ignore, and only confront if it didn't improve), the real lesson here is to not choose this burden for your own shoulders. You're carrying the weight of your own life, your own problems, your own stresses; you're far better off not adding to that load simply because a friend of yours is insensitive.

That's my word on that. I hope it helps. Question Dos is much easier. Speaking as both a male and a particularly awesome one at that, I can suggest that you think in terms of an event, to reward your beau for his supportive nature. Rather than simply going with a dinner, or a card, or the lingerie (all really great ideas), I would try to make a night, or a weekend, or a day, whatever, of it all-- plan in detail an event, for just the two of you. Think of things, small things, things you can make, things you can do, things you can create. The perfect itunes playlist, the perfect dinner; the perfect mood, the perfect moment. A combination of small things can become a memory that will carry this young man much further than an isolated gift. The tangible things are beautiful, but a memory goes everywhere. Consider what would make HIM happy, and what would excite you in preparing for him, from top to bottom: mood, sounds, intimacy, attention. I love the idea of hand-made gifts and a well-prepared dinner, but with a little planning, you can combine all the best of your many lovely charms into a night he will carry in his heart for the rest of his life. Plus, you're going to have an amazing time plotting, planning, and conniving. Use your good judgement-- I'm fully confident that you'll be able to exceed even your own expectations.

Regarding your final aside: with your coloration, I've always thought green a good look for you, provided it's a rich one. The symbolism of vitality while dancing and debauching on the mighty Ohio River is potent indeed. That's just off the top of my head, though.

I hope this has been helpful for you, and remember: you can strike a balance no matter how slender the beam. This is true for every aspect of your life. If you need any further advice, you know where to reach me.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

Camels vs. Dolphins

2009-07-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Sunday,

Firstly, thank you for your thoughts on my ice cream query. I had never thought to replace strawberry in the classic neopolitan combo with mint. Inspired. But I have another one for you: ever since this question was brought to me via my beloved Internets, I have not been able to reach a satisfactory answer. I sit up nights, weighing the options (that is a lie). I asked my friends what they thought on the Twitters some time ago, but they were as divided as I (that is a truth).

My question is, which animal is the most smug: dolphins or camels?

My favorite internet thinker seems to hate them both equally:

Camels: http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/12/camels-are-played-out.html
Dolphins: http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/11/dolphin-swagger-makes-me-sick.html

If HE cannot solve his very important debate, then what hope have I? Dolphins are pretty damn holier-than-thou in general, yet camels often seem inconvenienced to even take the effort to spit on passing travelers. Is there another animal I have yet to consider that is even more smug than these two? I am at a loss. You are my last hope, Dr. S.

- Confused on Chase

Dear Confused,

I had to spend some time, doing a fair bit of research, and consulting a wide range of experts on the topic (and by a wide range of experts, I mean asking my dad over the telephone while discussing unrelated matters). My dad’s answer (what the hell is wrong with you, son?) wasn’t completely useful, but some simple detective work provided much more useful information.

Camels are certainly smug, and they spit, which is rather nasty. They take a great deal of pride in their ability to conserve large quantities of water, and are efficient as methods of conveyance, despite their relative ugliness. Additionally, take a look at any Nativity scene– there are Camels, hanging out at the birth of Christ, having carried the Magi to bring Him some Christmas presents, thinking to themselves “history will remember us, and That Baby Over There, we’re awesome.” These facts do not escape the camel, as any google image search will reveal a very smug and self-satisfied look, although some justification for this can be assumed, if only slightly, because they do, in some respects, meet their own hype. Think of the Camel as Mother Nature’s Prius Owner.

Now, the Dolphin, on the other hand; that’s a horse of a different color. This is an animal who looks like it was designed by the hand of an artist in the early 80’s, the kind of person who wears neon tank tops and Zubaz pants, capped by wrap-around shades. We’re talking about an animal that looks as though its sole purpose in the world is to be airbrushed onto the backs of white tshirts with cheesy slogans and sunsets. This is why the Dolphin smiles– if the Camel is the Prius Owner, the Dolphin is the Cokehead Investment Banker in the Red Mustang, Blasting Whitesnake with the Top Down and Leering at Women while Cutting You off in Traffic. But it gets worse, so much worse.

You see, the Intenet, in its infinite wisdom, also tells us that the Dolphin follows that metaphor of the smug asshole just a little bit farther. There are countless reports, and I’ll just link a couple here, of Dolphins sexually assaulting humans while in the water– which oftentimes causes the victims to drown. That’s right, those smug assholes who contribute nothing to the world except for really bad ankle tattoos are serial rapists/murderers who consider themselves above the law. This is where the old saying comes from: “Never take a drink from a Dolphin, or leave your drink unattended while in the company of Dolphins.” The stories are disturbing, and these links are just the tip of the iceberg:

Shocking.
Deplorable.
EVIL.

And still they smile for the camera... smug bastards.

So, Confused, I think the answer is obvious: Camels are certainly smug, but Dolphins are more smug, and are huge assholes to boot. I hope this helps you, and stay out of the water.

Always Listening,
Dr. Sunday

About/FAQ

2009-07-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

1.SO, WHAT IS THIS? Good question. Here’s how it works:

I’m going to solve all of your problems for you, or at least do my best at it. The concept is simple, and wide open: you ask me a question, and I answer to the best of my ability. You can ask on any subject: I am offering my services freely, and without restriction. We can talk relationships, personal issues, arts/crafts, music, sex, death, faith, magic, folk medicine, whatever. I can share science and sorcery with you, health and hygiene; change your life, or change a toilet flapper. Ask me anything, seriously.

This is one part social experiment, one part advice column, one part human-wikipedia, stirred lightly and poured over ice into a glass of entertainment. I want to enlighten and entertain, and I expect I’m going to be rather humorous from time to time. I will, however, endeavor to make this every bit worth your while and mine.

I intend to answer your questions and propose solutions to your problems, with the wisdom and wit of a hip and handsome Solomon.

You will receive a personal reply from me on every question you propose, well before it appears in the actual blog. So get asking!

2.”DOCTOR” SUNDAY? Slow down, there, kids. It’s an affectation, a nom de web.

I know quite a lot on a wide variety of topics, and have a quick set of wits, a broad base of knowledge, and mainly, I enjoy the challenge. I have no formal qualifications whatsoever for what I propose. I’m not a doctor, a lawyer, priest, life coach or Jedi Master. I’m just a vaguely effeminate (and slightly geeky) insomniac, a lush with a wicked fashion sense and a certain degree of animal cunning, a potty mouth, and a winning smile.

3. HOW CAN I SUBMIT A QUESTION? CAN I BE ANONYMOUS? DO YOU EDIT THESE? Here are the rules for submissions.

If you want to ask a question, just do so. Send one to stephensunday at gmail dot com, or fire one my way on facebook or on my twitter. If you want to be anonymous, just say so, or use a funny, advice-column-esque pseudonym. If you want to be anonymous even to ME, then send it from an email address that doesn’t include your name.
Will I edit your questions? Only for spelling and grammar, unless you make a typo I find hilarious. The only other time I’ll edit your words would be if you ask me to change certain facts/details because the context might reveal your identity– but you have to ASK me to do that.
I’ll answer any questions submitted directly before I actually publish them, and if you really want my help but DO NOT want to be published, you’ll have to ask me really, really nicely. Bribery helps too.

4.WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Because I can. I’m good at what I do, and because it pleases me to do so.

Have fun, kids. I’m listening.